To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

Sounds like you and DH are going to have quite the night.

You have the right to protect your children. This includes from your stepson's inappropriate behaviour, and your husband's inappropriate minimising and enabling behaviour.

Your husband needs to understand that everyone has the right not to be physically assaulted. That includes him.

And that boohoohooing to get out of a well deserved reprimand to ensure inappropriate and dangerous behaviour isn't repeated doesn't equate to a panicked state. I mean, give over!

If any child did that in my house they’d get a bollocking.
If your DH won’t step up then you either do it yourself or he sees him out of the house. I wouldn’t stand for it.

Tell your dh that he doesn't have to shout to discipline. He can be cool and calm and say that behaviour is unacceptable you could have really hurt x. I need you to say sorry.

so he'll tell off the other kids but not him

hes making the problem not avoiding one-the stepson knows all he has to do is cry and he wotn get told off

But if a strange child had done that to my child I'd have had words.

9?! I thought you were going to say younger than that with the behaviour he exhibits. He needs tells. He doesn’t sound sensitive, he sounds precious and spoilt. You DH needs to snap out of Disney dad mode. People used to say my exh niece was sensitive, nah she was whingey and indulged too much

Your DSS needs to learn it’s not all about him

Tells = telling

I would inform Dh that as he is incapable of disciplining his son that in future you will do it yourself - and you won’t be manipulated by crocodile tears.

I expect the silent treatment when he gets home.

I agree with those of you who say I should take matters into my own hands, in hindsight I wished I had. I was so angry in the moment I just wanted to be away from him otherwise I'd have lost my rag (which would have been deserved)

It has been drummed into me for years 'sensitive' he is and how people mustn't upset him because he gets sooo upset.

In between molly coddling him and consoling him DH did say "that's dangerous mate" in a soothing tone shortly followed by "it's ok don't get upset it's done now"

That is sufficient apparently.

Yes he treats them very differently. If either of our young ones does something dangerous they get told off immediately.

Your DH sounds terrified of upsetting him. I wonder what his childhood was like, or perhaps he's scared of being rejected by his son in favour of the son's mum.

It's triggering something in him, and that's why he's not disciplining him and then getting so defensive about it.

Unpicking that might help long term, but short term your DSS behaviours must be stopped.

He ABSOLUTELY knows what he did both times is wrong. My 4 year old would know those things are wrong. Don't be fooled or question that.

The question is, why is he doing those things he knows is wrong?

Poor boy is probably crying out for boundaries, for a start.

He picked up and threw your daughter on her head on a wooden floor?

Did you take her to A&E?

In the absence of your oh being a decent parent... Putting in clear limits... No you don't throw your toddler sister on her head...

YOU need to.... He could hace caused fractures /brain trauma...
. It's unfair that your stepson should be so dysregulated without firm boundaries he could inadvertently cause permanent damage to his sib....

Ask your OH...how will he manage his son, when his son is responsible for permanent injury in his sib??

Just want to add - you don't need to shout or sound angry to be an effective disciplinarian.

Your DH can stay calm and not shout and still discipline him.

Telling him it's dangerous is pointless. The boy knows it's dangerous. He knows it's wrong.

He needs to be, you've said something that has shook his world view.

The toddler is yours, if you want to make a rule that DSS does not pick him up, you can.

The question is, why is he doing those things he knows is wrong?

In both of the scenarios I mentioned in my OP, it was 'playing' that lead up to DD and DH being harmed. In short, DSS goes overboard.

DSS is very into interacting with the smaller ones and likes to pick up DD because she's tiny and cute (I didn't have a problem with that in itself as I'm always on hand to supervise - don't leave them alone)

So as he's picked her up and gone "weee" he clearly thought it was a fun idea to throw her back down.

What on earth possessed him I don't know.

Most 9 year olds would know that's an absolute no go surely? Like I said, he has no SEN at all.

My gut tells me he wasn't trying to hurt her but being reckless and impulsive without engaging his brain.

I always cried when told off as a child. It wasn’t manipulative or to get away with stuff - it was because I was sooo ashamed and embarrassed. I hated being in the wrong and wanted to please so when I made a bad choice I was mortified and hated myself.

Your dh needs to learn to better handle his son. The boy needs firm boundaries and telling off and encouraged to work out how to not repeat the actions that were so wrong (not being shouted at, your dh is right that won’t help)

I agree with pp. If you're not allowed to discipline and he refuses to, he has to see him out of the house and he cant be around your children for a long time

You really have a dh problem, I’d be seriously pissed off and hes giving you the silent treatment, I’d be so angry. I really would have to had a long hard talk with him. Your baby has just been thrown on the floor! And you dh did nothing to protect her.

He needs to parent all the children. I’d have to assess the relationship and whether he was capable of changing

Sorry crossed posts.

Wooden laminate flooring with a rug over the top yes.

DD is fine miraculously.

I haven't taken her to A&E no but I'm keeping a close eye on her. I know what to look out for and when to worry.

I plan to speak to my GP in the morning.

Is DD ok? Did you take her to hospital OP?

My gut tells me he wasn't trying to hurt her but being reckless and impulsive without engaging his brain.

Children do stupid things because they are learning. That’s why we tell them off. Your dh is doing him no favours by not telling him off.

Good luck with all. The little ones will work out at some point that they’re held to different standards to their brother and it’s not fair. I’m guessing your 11 year old already has. It’s a tough dynamic and you definitely have a DH problem

So, your stepson cries, and your husband sulks. When they're both bang out of order.

Your poor dd. How frightening for her and you. I don’t think it is too late for you to say something to your dss. You were too upset today. Would you consider sitting down with him next contact day to talk about boundaries and how serious what he did could have been? I think whatever happens, he has to be forbidden from picking his sister up.