To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

I've found my people. Thank you MNers

I can't tell you how much of a relief it is to receive feedback and advice from people who get it.

Being a step parent feels very precarious sometimes and it's alot tougher than I imagined it to be, that is largely due to DH's lack of consistent and fair parenting across the children.

The gaming used to be a pain in the arse, I won't lie. It has gotten better since I (surprise surprise) had to have serious words with DH about implementing boundaries as he would let him spend the majority of his time here infront of the game which caused problems in itself.

As it stands I've imposed a blanket rule that there is to be no picking up the children and no play fighting full stop, that includes donking DS on the head to get his attention to come and play with him.

I'll be reminding DH about all of this prior to DSS coming back.

I'm also glad alot of you see where I'm coming from in not stopping what I'm doing and pandering to DSS wanting me to be glued to the screen with him.

I agree children need to be taught that what they want but don't need isn't always of great importance. As I said, I spend more than enough time doing things that make him happy and he needs to remember that there are three other children here for us to keep an eye on.

I appreciate the solidarity and advice here, I've read every post and you've all really helped.

hes not your son so nothing to do with you but i bet dh expects you to cook clean and play with him

he cant have it both ways

BTW - although I am not a stepmother, I have lived in a country that is VERY child-centred and doesn’t believe in ANY discipline (in theory - it seems to translate in practice to none for boys and lots for girls, and they’re raising generations of sociopaths. Very easy to see with the adult behaviours, and in the school grounds. Bullying is the norm, and violence is actively encouraged. “MY kid is not a bully - he/she is just very ASSERTIVE!” - my son was being held down and having his balls kicked every day by the same kid who was also encouraging/forcing others to do it as well. I ended up calling the police. You can see it’s a sore point for me.) Anyhow, whenever I told my OWN kids off for bad behaviour (also not a shouter, btw...) or attempted to instil boundaries, I had other parents kick off at me and attempt to undermine my own values and rules. “Kids will be kids” is my least favourite sentence, when it comes to “Child-rearing!”

@billy1966 that comment re kids waiting actually comes from my experience with dd!

She has NO patience whatsoever! So when she was little/younger I had to find ways to get her to wait - various counting rhymes, "sing x song to yourself (sometimes y times) and by the time you're finished I'll be with you" and many discussions on not interrupting folk and occupying herself while waiting etc

She's STILL murder for this and she's 20 in less than 3 months but now I just tell her to have some bloody patience and she realised what she's been doing, apologises and calms down

She's away studying and is using me as a sounding board/dictionary/therapist and I'm sometimes getting messages while I'm sleeping/otherwise busy "u there yet?" Where are you?" When she's stressed/anxious.

We all do things that annoy others.

But certainly when she was a child I wouldn't have stood for constant interruptions and demands to watch her playing a sodding game!

Kids need to learn that what might be utterly fascinating and fun for them may bore others to tears too! (Frankly a few adults could stand to learn that one! Including myself )

I recently was chatting with a child physiologist about this and she was saying that smart phones were teaching children that they didn't have to wait for anything.

I was JUST discussing this with dd the other night!

She's struggling to finish a full chapter in a textbook in one go, I'm a huge reader and I can complete an entire novel in one go so as I pointed out to her I'm the wrong person to ask for advice on that one!

But we did discuss the short attention span (non pathologised just cultural) that her generation has. She has friends that have never in their lives finished a book!

as he would let him spend the majority of his time here infront of the game which caused problems in itself.

Again at the risk of sounding ancient it's not only unhealthy behaviourally, but also in terms of things like eye strain and apparently can even affect hearing to the point of permanent hearing loss.

I was fortunate to inherit an "outdoor" kid who is something of a Luddite with tech (I've also this week been teaching her how to send an attachment or links by email, how to send sound files etc) so never really had this issue. My dns however are allowed imo to spend WAY too much time gaming, when they were with me when little I didn't even own a console which kinda buggered them! after some time with me they were returned to their parents as different children, physically tired yes (I believe in lots of walking, chores, physical activity for kids) but also engaged, mentally energised, talkative (can't imagine why that would be 😙 whistling nothing to see here ) and helpful. Then their parents would undo all my good work

Dd wears glasses since before she could read as she was born with an eye issue. But other than that she can see and hear well.

All my dns are now glasses wearers having been born with healthy eyes mainly from too much screen time and at least 2 of my dn's have hearing loss likely as a result of too much earphone use and exposure to loud noises through gaming and loud music.

A friend of mine it was a very interesting scenario, she used to let her kids game a LOT then she met and married her partner and he's an educational psychologist and when he witnessed how much gaming they did plus her comments and then his witnessing of certain behaviours he basically said to her himself "you let them game WAY too much" And he showed her the research on this and she was shocked. She then for her own interest spent a weekend and 2 weekdays recording how much time her kids were gaming and it was a LOT more than she actually thought she was letting them do (she likened it to when you start keeping a food diary when on a diet and you have to admit you're eating a lot more than you thought )

That was her tipping point and she limited game play to one hour a day at weekends and 30 mins in weekdays and only AFTER homework was completed - she noticed a huge improvement in behaviour, school work and even sleep length and quality within 2 weeks of the change! She became quite evangelical about it after that which was both annoying for some she was talking to and amusing to me.

Excellent last post op, you've been so polite and open to criticism and suggestions on this thread it's a refreshing change.

NO parent is perfect god knows I made mistakes! But it's a credit to you that you took even the more offensive posts so well

Good luck to you

"To be honest I'm sick and tired of DH's lack of communication in general and this is just another example of him failing to discuss like an adult.

As sad as this may be to admit, I sometimes think me and the kids would be better off on our own. Me and DH are polar opposites in terms of communication and problem solving."

I had a H like this. Note the word HAD. Shit communication was a huge contribution to our downfall. Nothing was ever addressed and if I ever said anything he would huff off and slam stuff about in the kitchen, wait for the situation to blow over then carry on as if nothing happened. It was awful and a shit way to adult.

Your DSS doesn't sound like he has SN. He sounds like a normal child who gets far too much attention and has a Disney dad which has made him ridiculously over sensitive. I'd discipline him whether your DH wants you to or not now. He's had his chance to deal with it and refuses to see that he's in the wrong. Now he's missed his chance and it should be your way. Your own DCs will grow up resentful of DSS when they see the differences in how they are treated by their dad compared to him.

You mention he disciplines your children no problem. I think next time he comes, you should have a talk with him and explain that at 9, he is a big lad now and knows how to behave around others, big and small. What happened last time must never happen again as it hurt your dd and she is only little. Ask him to think about how he would feel if someone did it to him? Then reiterate you know it is just down to him not thinking what would happen if..... now if it happens again, you will be having words, tears (he needs to know that you know he turns on the waterworks) or not. Then ask him if he understands. Then ask for a hug and get on with things.

Also, I think it’s time to turn the tables on FH and quote him back every time he disciplined one of your kids and see how HE likes it. Undermining the other parent is DISGUSTING behaviour. It creates a “Divide And Conquer” attitude with the kid and that is exactly what is happening here.

He actually sounds like a lovely boy to me, and I get the impression he cried because he is so remorseful?

And then he does it again - tripping, hitting etc.

Sounds really remorseful, doesn't it?

@GlummyMcGlummerson

He is frightened of his own emotions. He is frightened of his own emotions because his idiot father is frightened of his emotions and has never taught him that we feel strong feelings of shame or remorse, we sometimes deserve to feel those feelings because of our behaviour, but life goes on and relationships can be restored

I feel like this comment needs a big fat

I liked Mathanxiety's comment, too.

Very perceptive

Well worth a congratulatory lime

I've witnessed my own sister at that age laying on the sobbing, walk out of the room where parent is and the second she knew she couldn't be seen by them wipe the tears away, smile at me and crack on absolutely fine! I'd say by the age of 7/8 she had perfected being able to switch on the tears at will!

Ah!

That's another thing - OP -watch for a very rapid smile/smirk when he is let off with anything - it just flashes across the face in a microsecond, and you may think you have imagined it - but I'll bet it will be there. It's an indication of manipulative behaviour succeeding - he won't be able to stop it because it's one of those "tells" than none of us can control.

Tell your husband to sort himself out immediately. And in the meantime, when it comes to YOUR kids, if DSS does anything to get a telling off for - go ahead!

As it has been mentioned.. I will say that he's able to turn off his panic and tears as soon as he sees DH go soft in response.

After the incident with DD for example, he was quivering and crying with a petrified look on his face but within seconds of DH reassuring him his mood changed completely.

He went from being terrified and sobbing to being upbeat and playful in a suspiciously short period of time.

I know every child is different but if I were to compare the rapid switch to either of the other children in similar circumstances it does seem a little off.

Even DD 18months will take a while longer to be comforted when she is genuinely upset.

I'm not saying he's definitely faking it so I hope posters don't jump on me, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

Great comments about kids not being able to wait these days @Graphista, I've argued the same thing for years. A great example is on demand TV. Prior to this generation, kids naturally had to accept the fact that their favourite shows were only on when they were on, and get used to waiting. Now, they see no reason why they can't just watch the thing they want to right now, and it's down to the parents to limit those expectations. I don't think it can be overestimated how much of a difference this change, as it affects so many aspects of modern society, will have on the psyche of modern children.

In defence of parents, I do think modern culture and the technology that's now available makes it much harder to raise children not to expect instant gratification, but that's exactly why it's important NOT to centre your lives around dropping everything to pander to their every want every time they ask for something. Actually, I remember my SS used to be so bad for demanding attention and interrupting conversations that my DP and I used to deliberately get him to wait a minute and finish what we were doing whether we really needed to or not, because he desperately needed to get used to waiting.

Whether it's put on or not, that ability to return to normal so quickly demonstrates that he's an awful lot more resilient than his father thinks, so he really ought to have worked out that the tears can be safely ignored.

That's true MoonJelly.

@TheNanny23

Now I feel like I’m going to get a flaming but I think it’s really important to implement boundaries EVEN IF it’s turns out there’s something underlying.

Actions have consequences - even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone, if you did then that’s serious. They need time out, an explanation of why this is inappropriate and is over the mark, and then compassionate boundary setting and reminding of the love. This is being a good parent.

This applies even in adults with LD or MH problems- they may set fires because they are distressed- people don’t roll over and say that’s ok because they were upset! A loving, calm explanation of why this is really dangerous is helping them.

I agree completely with this. It doesn't make any difference why someone does something dangerous, or whether they meant any harm by it at the time. If something dangerous is done, they need immediate reprimanding and it explaining that it is unacceptable and dangerous behaviour and not to be repeated, ever.

After the immediate situation has been dealt with, then is the time to look into whether there is an underlying reason for the behaviour, and if there are better strategies for handling any repeats of the behaviour in future.

Even if a child (or adult) has SEN or a learning disability, they still need to be reminded of acceptable ways to behave, usually more regularly than a neurotypical peer. To me, that is a reason why it's even more important to reiterate when behaviour is not acceptable or dangerous, rather than gloss over it and pretend it's not that bad so that the person doesn't get upset.

Parenting children is tough, and it can be even tougher when those children have SEN, but it still needs to be done.

Your dh is letting his son down badly at the moment, as others have said - he will be much more likely to be a target for bullies at high school, and he will get a nasty shock when he is out in the real world and everybody else doesn't pander to his 'sensitivities'. It is our responsibility as parents to keep all of our children safe, and to teach them how to be kind, decent members of society, who know how to take responsibility for their own actions, and how to apologise when they are in the wrong, without turning their uncomfortable feelings around on the person calling them out/telling them off.

Why do both you and your dh seem to equate reprimanding and consequences only with shouting and creating fear?

You can express anger just as effectively by speaking in a low calm very serious tone, either immediately the incident happened or once ds had stopped his panic-crying. Something along the lines of:
Ds when you have calmed down we need to talk about what happened. It was extremely silly and dangerous. Can you explain why it was so dangerous? Yes, dd could have been very seriously hurt. I am very upset and disappointed with you because you didn't think. How could you make sure you don't get that silly when you're playing again? Well to give you time to think about it your punishment is going to be XYZ etc.

No shouting needed, no pacifying needed, no fear or anger, but making it just as clear that you are displeased, with an opportunity for ds to actually reflect on what he did, understand and apologise. This sort of approach is much more likely to help him learn to be resilient when dealing with shitty situations such as bullying and making mistakes.

I don't equate punishment and repremanding to shouting and instilling fear, at all.

I've said throughout the thread that I think DH should have addressed the matter calmly but firmly and explained why it's not acceptable, how dangerous it was, what the outcome could have been and how he's not to do anything like that again in the future.

I didn't want him to shout at him.

I mentioned raised voices because that's what the rest of the children get if they're doing something dangerous, and I'm pissed off at the double standard.

If you're not going to raise your voice to a 9 year old when he has done something dangerous then don't to it to an 18 month old, 3 year old or 11 year old with a disability - is my point.

But whilst on the topic of raised voices, sometimes it's nessecary.

I had to raise my voice at my three year old yesterday because he was about to do something dangerous. We live on a main road and he tried to bolt when I was locking the door behind me.

Sometimes you need to act quickly and then the life lesson come afterwards.

Whenever my children have been on the receiving end of a sharp "DC..no! dangerous!" they haven't been scared out of their wits.

I agree that sometimes shouting is the best option (to stop something dangerous quickly) and sometimes it's the natural option (because we're human and dcs can push us beyond all limits of patience). Sometimes dcs seeing that their behaviour has made their parents shout because they're scared, angry or fed up to the back teeth is a good thing. God knows, I shouted!

I'm trying to say it sounds like your dh has taken your point about reprimanding and treating all dcs fairly simply to mean shouting ( if I shout at ds he panics and but he'll tell his mum and he's too sensitive etc etc ) but shouting is a red herring here and your dh has cleverly managed to misdirect the conversation about the real issue - not teaching dss to learn from his mistakes.

I'd point out that if he is genuinely worried about ds's over-sensitivity, teach him the resilience to come back after the initial 'crying/panic- attack', ignore the tears and when ds is calm enough to listen it's ok and right still to talk about the thing he did, express anger and give him consequences for it. If not, how will dss ever learn to face his fears (of admitting mistakes) or learn from his mistakes?

I seriously don't have any qualms about reprimanding other people's children equally I fully expect others to tell my child if in my absence.
What a horrible thing to do to a baby regardless of my parental role a word would have to be had over and above his dad's say so.

Time was that any adult involved in caring for children could tell them off if they were naughty or engaged in dangerous behaviour without being aware of the consequences of their actions. Because children need to learn how to behave in a way that is appropriate and doesn't cause harm to other people.

I wouldn't have any issue with adults involved in caring for my DDs telling them off if their behaviour is out of order or potentially dangerous. I would back them up and have strong words with my DDs myself.

I’ve RTFT @MillyA and you come across as a thoroughly caring and conscientious parent and step parent.

I don’t know how you keep your cool with your DH though. I really hope he agrees to therapy. For all your sakes.

On the subject of gaming, how many hours does DSS play per day when he is with you? And is it age appropriate? Not Fortnite?

Thank you all once again for your advice and perspective, I'm checking the thread daily

RE gaming, DSS spends 1 hour max per day on the console when he's here. This is a huge improvement compared to how it used to be, 4+ hours of it. I had to put my foot down for everybodies sake.

His favourite game at the moment is roblox and that's all he plays, though he's not allowed to 'chat' to strangers on there (a rule imposed by his mum which is encouraging and shows he at least has some boundaries from one parent!)