To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

It seems your dh equates reprimanding ds with shouting and frightening him. He can perfectly well reprimand him and make him face the consequences of his actions in a calm, quiet non frightening way. So could you.

@MillyA I think DHs first reaction should of been to follow you out of the room and comfort and check over DD with you. I do think DSS did not mean to do it and as you say sort of wasn't thinking but DH should of explained to him how dangerous it was and how he can never do anything like that again he didn't even need to say it in a raised voice just have a serious chat or the child will never learn. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you all and that with some sleep DH will understand better. If someone else's child had of done that to one of your kids he would of expected their parents to tell them off or done it himself.

We have asd dc and we have to be careful when we discipline so we dont get a meltdown. We send the one who has done whatever it was out of the room whilst we deal with the injured party broken item etc and have a moment to calm down. Then we will go and talk to them. Explain the dangers why it can't happen again and what we expect of them behaviour wise.
You don't need to be shouting at children to get your point across.

That said your dh does need to make it clear that what he did was unacceptable tears or not

We had this dynamic but I'm afraid the older kids and I absolutely put a stop to it in as far as DSS almost never cries any more.

I absolutely cannot bare crying it makes me want to run away. The rule is if you've done something shit you have to own it. But DH finds that hard to do too. It's because he gives everything his all but it's still not ok.

DSS is now 12 but DH absolutely cannot see that he treats him like a snowflake.

I feel sick reading this and I would call 111 now to ask for advice. Leaving it til tomorrow may be too late.

As for DH - I wouldn't want to share any space with him let alone shag him again after this. How the fuck can he be more concerned about pandering to his manipulative tears than his own baby DD who could be seriously injured.

at the expense of my DD being assaulted (do you think i sound dramatic to say that - given that he was 'playing'?)

No, you don't sound dramatic. I think you need to emphasise to your husband how very dangerous this incident was, and that your DSS is potentially going to continue putting the younger children in danger because no-one is bringing home to him how serious his conduct is.

He doesn't need to be shouted at but he does need consequences. He did it without thinking so you sit him down and explain what could have happened.

You need to agree some house rules - if kids do x they get y consequences. Perhaps write them up on the wall or fridge.

I would struggle to be attracted to someone who is frightened to parent their child.

Poor thing, hes only 9, hes probably still affected by the split. Surely theres a way to resolve this without all the drama

Why don’t you whack your husband in the groin when he’s asleep but tell him you’ll be upset if he’s annoyed with you?
A tongue in cheek suggestion but quite tempting!

Not to discount your opinion PP (sorry I don't know how to tag) but DSS really isn't troubled, at least not in any way that is obvious. Aside things like this which stem from not thinking ahead, he is incredibly well behaved. I appreciate that may sound insane to you here after my post.

He is as good as gold in school, he's never rude to his parents (or me) or intently spiteful to his younger siblings. He has never so much as swore when he has been here. He doesn't lash out or answer back. He doesn't refuse to follow instructions and will do as he is told. He's a very well behaved child that does stupid (and dangerous) things sometimes because he doesn't think through the consequences or realise (at least I don't think he realises) that he's doing anything wrong.

He does command alot of attention when he comes and likes to be the star of the show but doesn't act out iykwim. In fact one of the main ways he seeks attention and validation is by demonstrating how good he is.

I think perhaps I'm not articulating this very well.

He's certainly never deliberately naughty and these things have come about as a result of him 'playing' and going far too overboard.

@MillyA

I agree completely that a large part of the way he acts and responds to situations is DH's fault (and his exes) for how they've patented him or lackthereof.

I have a huge DH problem and I need to give some serious thought as to what I want to do about that long term because unfortunately this is the second time in recent weeks I've had to address DH on how he treats the children differently except this time it comes at the expense of my DD being assaulted (do you think i sound dramatic to say that - given that he was 'playing'?)

DD will be sleeping in bed with me tonight and DH can sleep elsewhere.

I'm taking the advice of one of the posters upthread in that I'll return the favour with the silent treatment. I've put my side across crystal clear and now want him to go and give it some serious about how to proceed before I'm prepared to move past this.

Sorry if I'm cross posting I'm using a very old and slow phone.

For what it’s worth I think you did the right thing walking awash. Next time he treats your toddler or your older child differently go to them in front of them and say “ that’s dangerous mate. No daddy/ his name isn’t allowed to tell you off this time. It’s done now” then walk away.

Do what my 9yo’s school do? I call it ‘boring them into obedience’. It works a treat. Every time the kids break a rule (no matter how small), or are rough or not concentrating, they get a trip to a small room where another teacher (often the principal) talks to them. They speak calmly and at great length about all those modern child social development philosophies- making better choices, being your best ‘you’, letting yourself down, considering others, etc. The teachers are prone to going past any recess bell with their little ‘talks’, not by accident.

The kids are so horrified at the boredom, focussed teacher attention, time away from mates and prospect of making up the missed learning at home that night that it really is a very effective discipline method.

At first it seemed very silly and time-consuming to me (I’m more a short, sharp consequences type of discipliner) but I see now that teachers have very few tools left in the discipline arsenal, and this one is surprisingly effective.

Why not try it with DSS? Wait until after the event, take him out of the activity he’s enjoying or engaged with, and subject him to long, droning, ultra-calm discussions of behaviour management. Extra points if you download some worksheets for him to fill in and discuss re feelings, safety, consequences, etc. Leave the door open so DH can hear that if DSS turns on the waterworks, it wasn’t justified or precipitated by anything you said or by your tone.

Trust me that if you do it every time, DSS will soon do anything to avoid it. Even the idea of it will make him shudder (and consider his actions).

I’d also double-down on all this ‘he’s so sensitive’ stuff. If he’s so unable to deal with small incidents of family life, then he needs regular professional paediatric psychology appointments to build his resilience. Either it’s a disability, or it isn’t. His parents are neglecting him, and I’d tell them so. Before some kid at school drops him on his head for being so special.

Maybe also use the “ you are not a bad boy but that was a really bad thing to do wasn’t it “ in a calm tone they tell you about in baby books. It’s a start of someone disciplining him anyway

Most 9 year olds don't swear, but he sounds like a lovely boy, maybe cut him some slack

It sounds like he really lacks impulse control. But crikey he could have broken her neck or cracked her skull. Horrifying.

@Macncheeseballs

Poor thing, hes only 9, hes probably still affected by the split. Surely theres a way to resolve this without all the drama

They split up when DSS was 2. I'm not being facetious btw, just putting that out there as it's understandable people could assume he's struggling to adjust etc.

To reassure people who think I should take DD to A&E, I have a medical professional in the family and I have been assured that based on DD's presentation she doesn't need to be rushed to A&E. I should however follow up with the GP tomorrow.

Tell him if he doesn't discipline his son you will. Inform the child's mother if he does not live with you full time. Also point out to your husband next time he throws your dd maybe she will hit a table and need stitches. Then he can explain at the hospital and to a social worker it's OK because he cried. A kid at my sons school got annoyed with my autistic son this week so he pushed my boy over and stomped on his head. But it was OK with school not to call the kids parents because he cried and said he went too far. Only when I threatened to call the police as the kid in question is 11 my son is 10 did school do so. The boy clearly needs boundaries else where will it stop?

How does he react to being told off at school?

Tbh he sounds like he's totally playing u all. He knows how to get away with things and not get into trouble. Even if he didn't get the bollocking he deserved he still could have consequences.

It might be worthwhile to keep a diary of sorts whenever there is a lack of impulse control or any upset looking at the situation, what triggered off the incident, how he acted, and what the result was. It could help find patterns in his behaviour which will, hopefully, help DH and you be able to predict the moments of impulsiveness and pre-empt them - for example, becoming aware of the signs he's starting to become overexcited and stepping in at that point to redirect him.

@Macncheeseballs

Most 9 year olds don't swear, but he sounds like a lovely boy, maybe cut him some slack

Oh i do, honestly. He doesn't get to hear any of what I'm saying here. I've never tried to make him feel bad for being overly sensitive, or whatever it is.

In general we have a very good relationship, he spends much of his time with us glued to my hip.

I've gone above and beyond to make sure he feels at home here and he gets plenty of attention and affirmation.

It's just very grating how everything ends in tears, even down to the other example I gave (having to stop playing a certain game with the toddlers as it was scaring him) which is bonkers really.

A kid at my sons school got annoyed with my autistic son this week so he pushed my boy over and stomped on his head

I'm so sorry. That made me so angry. My DS is autistic and I live in constant fear of things like this. I hope your boy is ok. That is disgusting behaviour

How does he react to being told off at school?

As far as I'm aware that is few and far between as he really is very well behaved. He mentioned being told off for not concentrating last week but I don't know how he responded. The feedback DH gets from the school is always positive.

I agree with you PP keeping a diary is a good idea and can help build a picture.

I honestly never considered SEN as he comes across as completely NT. I understand autism well and he just doesn't fit the (broad) criteria for that. I'm reading up about dyspraxia now.

@MillyA what makes you say he starts crying to avoid a telling off and not that he starts crying when he realises he has hurt someone playing rough?

You pointed to his sensitivity : *Earlier in the day we were playing with the little ones, jumping out from the other room and shouting "raaaah" and DSS was apparently oh so scared so we had to stop that game immediately.

Sick of it.*

Sick of what exactly? That he gets scared and upset? Shouldn't this example explain why he cries, more because of the situation than to avoid a reprimand.

Judging by the way you talk about him and the words you use (waterworks and the like) , you don't really like much, do you?

Poor DSS

I think it might behave been my comment that your responded to and don’t know how to tage me.

I don’t mean this to be arsey, but are you qualified to asses the behaviour and conclude there is nothing here than therapy could help with.

I do think your husband needs some guidance, and to overcome his guilt at the split (which i assume os why he isn’t parenting properly).

But maybe the boy needs help with impulse control and to talk through his home life and how it feels to move between two homes.

I am not excusing his behaviour - but being in a blended family can be confusing - seeing his dad parent new half siblings as well as step siblings. I am not sure if he is an only child with this mum.

But could be contributing here?

Again, I don’t mean to sound like I am questioning you - I absolutely think you are in the right here and there is no step mum bias I promise😊😊