To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

For goodness sakes, at nine he should definitely know not to drop his baby sister on her head to the floor. That's appalling, it's violence; I'd have told him off good and proper, tears or no tears. It seems he just got away with it which means he could do it again, or worse. Don't turn your back on him if he is in the same room as the little one.

Kicking anyone anywhere, never mind in the groin, is not on either.

Surely your husband realises all this. Does he want to raise a thug?

This is a habit both your step son and your husband need to break.

The boy is still a child, it sounds like he isn’t being properly parented by his dad.

Please do tell him off if he hurts a child. You have to consider the safety of the other children in your home, and also your step sons development.

Life won’t work like that, he can’t do something that is clearly wrong and then avoid the consequences.

Tithe crying isn’t actually the issue. Ignore the crying, he get told off regardless of the crying. Some people cry easily. He does. Your husband should ignore it and dish out the consequences.

Be clear - this is your husbands fault not the child.

It sounds like you are handling this really well, it must be very tough.

You have my complete empathy and support for posting this, as it's so tricky. That is brave.
But I will say this sounded exactly like my abusive older brother, eveything was a game, I was smaller, thinner, shorter, so got hurt a LOT and have scars to prove it.
I now have sons, and am overvigilant as I will not tolerate this behaviour at all. Especially as my mum excused and minimised my brothers abuse. I won't be that mother. Anyone that would ever give me silent treatment for that can leave, as I won't tolerate it.

@Standrewsschool

You need to let him cry, and ignore his tears. Don’t give in.

Absolutely this.

What sort of teenager is he going to be if he doesn't learn to take responsibility for his actions? And is always crying? For his own sake he has to learn a) not to do things that are dangerous (you said he threw DD - he diint accidentally drop her) b) apologise/accept reprimand/punishment as appropriate.

Your DH will end up with his son completely out of control - and a very manipulative child at that.

If he kicked your DH by accident - that's an accident, and an apology and more care in future will suffice; deliberately throwing a baby down IS a punishable offence, though and he shouldn't get off scot free.

If he starts crying send him to his room and tell him to come down when he's ready to apologise and stop whining.

Already two posters suggesting he needs a "wallop". Know who deserves a wallop? People who think its acceptable to go around thumping children.

It sounds like he needs support with his emotional regulation to help him rein in the impulsiveness that has led to this evenings incident and the sensitivity when being told off. At the heart of this is a little boy who is badly being let down by his parents, kids need boundaries and it does him no favours to not provide them.

I'd wait until tomorrow to have a talk with DH once things are less fraught and I'd approach it from a place of concern for DSS and his emotional responses rather than criticism of DH's parenting as it seems like he might be more receptive to coming at it from that direction, then hopefully the parenting side will fall into line as the emotional side is unpicked. It could be worth seeking some advice from the school nursing team? They're able to help with suggestions of various parenting strategies and will be able to give details of any applicable parenting courses. They'll also be best placed to advise on whether any intervention is needed in terms of mental health/emotional support.

Frankly, even if he wasn't trying to hurt her and was only playing, that wouldn't have been much consolation if she'd been seriously injured. I wouldn't allow him to hold her again, not for a while, and if/when he asks why, I'd tell him. If he cries, let him. I'd explain gently but firmly that what he did could have killed his sister, and you can't risk that, so you're waiting a while to see if he can show that he's calm and mature enough to handle the responsibility of holding her again.

I understand that you would rather let your husband handle disciplining your step-son, but if he's going to be living with you part of the time and interacting with your other children, you're involved, whether you (or he) like it or not. I couldn't stand silently by any longer.

As for his being" sensitive", children cry when they're afraid they're in trouble. That's not so special. If he truly is more sensitive than most, then he shouldn't need to be told off as often for it to sink in that he's old enough to know his own strength and start to think before he acts.

DH's parenting is pathetic and there's no way I would let it go. I'd be dealing with it next time if he can't parent properly, regardless of being a step parent. He can't be treated any differently because he knows how to put on the water works. I imagine it's infuriating.

Not mimicking what others do with her no as we don't, and have never, picked her up and thrown her down.

The tickling yes, I do that all of the time.

I've noted the question of SEN, although aside frequent occurrences of him not thinking before he acts there isn't any obvious red flags for SEN. He just seriously lacks common sense sometimes.

I have some experience in ASD and I'm as sure as I can be that he isn't on the spectrum, he doesn't fit the criteria for ADHD either.

I'm not familiar with dyspraxia but I'll do some reading.

The pair of them (dh and dss) would drive me potty.

The pedestal he’s putting dss on is massively unfair on the others.

What a nob

As for dss tell him yourself, and let him cry. He needs to learn resilience and responsibilities.

My DPs child is very much like this. The slightest hint of a raised voice or telling off and it’s water works and sobbing.
It’s seriously worrying and unattractive trait in a person who cannot and will not take personal responsibility for their wrong doings - both purposeful and accidental. Instead believes they can manipulate the people around them by victimising themselves. It goes hand in hand with other shitty behaviour imo such as lying. DSC will lie to your face even when you have seen something with your own eyes. They will cry and sulk and sob even when there really is no need - ie it was a small issue which wasn’t even a telling off (such as leaving the baby gate open).

Luckily my partner is not a total arse and does his best to correct this manipulative behaviour and tries to install a sense of accepting responsibility, facing up to your actions, apologising, empathy etc etc

Your DH is honestly doing his son a massive disservice and if I were you I’d find it incredibly hard not to read him the absolute riot act.

I do not parent my SC as such and I leave the discipline to DP but he is well aware if it were a case of other DC or pets being hurt etc then I’d go akka. And he knows I would be right.

I’d be furious with your DP. And he wouldn’t get a chance to sulk or ignore me either. Absolute shambles

*Frankly, even if he wasn't trying to hurt her and was only playing, that wouldn't have been much consolation if she'd been seriously injured. I wouldn't allow him to hold her again, not for a while, and if/when he asks why, I'd tell him. If he cries, let him. I'd explain gently but firmly that what he did could have killed his sister, and you can't risk that, so you're waiting a while to see if he can show that he's calm and mature enough to handle the responsibility of holding her again.

I understand that you would rather let your husband handle disciplining your step-son, but if he's going to be living with you part of the time and interacting with your other children, you're involved, whether you (or he) like it or not. I couldn't stand silently by any longer.

As for his being" sensitive", children cry when they're afraid they're in trouble. That's not so special. If he truly is more sensitive than most, then he shouldn't need to be told off as often for it to sink in that he's old enough to know his own strength and start to think before he acts.*

I think this is good advice

I would be livid with my DH, he should not be pandering to his son’s ‘upset’! He needs proper guidance before something serious happens.
If there are any other issues (fingers crossed) I would immediately take your DD to A&E, I think the point has to be made that what he’s doing is not on. And by that I don’t mean to waste staff time at emergency but delayed concussion is a thing especially in such a little one. I’d personally have gone ape shit, his DS is playing everyone. Good luck!

Bet he doesn’t quiver and cry at school
if he gets a telling off, he’s doing because he knows his dad is a soft touch. I’d ignore any crying and your DH needs to as well.

I agree completely that a large part of the way he acts and responds to situations is DH's fault (and his exes) for how they've patented him or lackthereof.

I have a huge DH problem and I need to give some serious thought as to what I want to do about that long term because unfortunately this is the second time in recent weeks I've had to address DH on how he treats the children differently except this time it comes at the expense of my DD being assaulted (do you think i sound dramatic to say that - given that he was 'playing'?)

DD will be sleeping in bed with me tonight and DH can sleep elsewhere.

I'm taking the advice of one of the posters upthread in that I'll return the favour with the silent treatment. I've put my side across crystal clear and now want him to go and give it some serious about how to proceed before I'm prepared to move past this.

Sorry if I'm cross posting I'm using a very old and slow phone.

Crying out to be treated like a member of the family. It's the little things. Telling off like the other children = a secure place in the family and acceptance.
He'll continue to use his brains until something breaks, as in a roar of a telling off occurs. Nowt wrong with telling off and same boundaries all round as well as cuddles, praise etc.
No reason for anyone to have pops and slights at you OP. You are doing great

That isn't normal behaviour for a 9 year old, most children that age would know to be careful with a baby. You say he lacks common sense, but perhaps he lacks empathy or impulse control? The crying when told off could also be a sign of SEN.

Either way I think your DH is a tool. I think you should treat this child differently to the others, but he still needs discipline. You shouldn't shout at him, but you should correct his behaviour in a way that works for him. Perhaps removing him from the room and discussing quietly when he has calmed down. Making sure he understands how dangerous it was and encouraging him to say sorry.

I think you also need to consider the emotional development of a nine year old who would be so violent with a baby. He could have killed or seriously injured her.

I would reiterate, vilifying the boy isn’t the answer. But I do think family therapy could be an option here.

Your husdand (and perhaps the boys mother?) need some parenting lessons. And I would suggest you all need to understand why a nine year old boy is being violent in this way. The more I think about this the more concerned I become about your children’s safety and this boys emotional state.

You seem to be the only person concerned. Does the boy’s mother have any concerns that you know about. Are there incidents in school that have been raised? Does he have other siblings through his mother?

He sounds like a troubled and unhappy little boy. Yes he needs to be disciplined, but i would ant time explore his a little more.

The long and the short of it was DH saying he felt like he handled it appropriately and he didn't want DSS going into a 'panicked state' by getting shouted at.

So he needs to explain how it's OK to shout at the other two. And if it's because DSS is so sensitive, you need to point out that (a) it's a moot point whether it's sensitivity or manipulation and (b) if it is sensitivity, treating him differently from the others isn't the way to help him grow out of it. I bet he doesn't use these tactics at school

Older two?
So punish both older children because of what one did?
No
Punish the perpetrator fgs
Single him out
He needs to do some serious learning, and fast.

Anyone who did that to my daughter would have been disciplined severely

I think your DH should take your little one to A&E, maybe then he will realise the seriousness of what's happened. Hope she is ok.

I also think the baby should be taken to a and e.
Don’t wait until morning, go now, your dh is back to babysit.