To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

But who ends up policing that rule, when he is at yours?

@MillyA - I don’t know how you manage to stand supervising even two minutes of Roblox without literally stabbing your eyeballs out with a fork. My DS is 14 and still plays it occasionally. Zzzzzz.... You’re a better woman than me!!!
I have to agree with all the posters that have commented about devices creating a culture that demands instant gratification. Also a characteristic that we are supposed to outgrow when we mature from toddlerhood to childhood. I genuinely think your DS might benefit from the Super Nanny-style “Naughty Step” or some other “Time Out” where he has no access to any kind of entertainment or attention for one minute for every year (obvs 9). You can sit him there, explain why you’re doing so, let him know that it will give him time to calm down and think about about it, and go about your business.... every time. He will stop that crying jag pretty quickly and you will certainly not be accused of any kind of cruelty.

@MillyA how-a it going? You sound like a brilliant mum and step mum.

Is your partner letting him away with it because of some sort of guilt?
If your DH gives you the silent treatment that's just as manipulating as the sons tears

Oh the roblox does make me want to gouge my eyes out with a fork for sure

I'm doing ok, thank you for asking. You lot are lovely.

We won't be seeing DSS this week as he's had to self isolate, he's fine but has been in contact with a confirmed case so no doubt driving his mother potty with roblox instead of me

I was thinking about introducing a naughty step justi, so it's funny you've mentioned that. I think that's something DSS would comply with (less reluctantly than the younger ones no doubt)

nomde yes I do believe guilt plays a part, not so uncommon in separated parents but frustrating for everybody else when that manifests as a serious lack of constructive parenting.

Sounds like you're making good steps forward, for yourself at least. I guess you can only hope that you can get through to DH

I don't think a naughty step is the best way forward though, for any kids.

sarahockwell-smith.com/2017/02/20/why-common-discipline-methods-dont-work-and-what-to-do-instead/

I think the naughty step kills three birds with one stone (attention-seeking; instant-gratification; crying). He will probably be over-the-top hysterical to begin with (on form) then, because he’s a smart kid, he will quickly work out that there are better ways to get what he wants.
I suspect he doesn’t boohoo like this at school, btw. Nine year olds don’t tolerate that kind of thing very well at all.

I'd be surprised if dh will let his son go on the naughty step.
Tbh I'd have said he's too old for that, I'd have told mine what the issue was, sent them to their rooms for a set period of time and they could come down when they're ready to apologise.

Natural consequences tend to work better than a naughty step approach because sometimes the blanket get-on-the-step response is a logical consequence of the behaviour but sometimes it's counter productive.
e.g. Little Johnny refuses to switch off the Xbox at bedtime.
Natural consequence - Johnny is not allowed to play on Xbox after 5pm because he's not yet learnt to end games at an appropriate time and Oh dear, there's not enough time for a story tonight.
Naughty step - 10 minutes sat on a step will do nothing to teach him to regulate his game use.

e.g. Little Jilly lies about cleaning her teeth.
Natural consequence - Discussion about oral hygiene and tooth decay. Oh dear, well we'd better not get those sweeties after school this week and Jilly needs to do some extra teeth brushes to make up for the missed ones.
Naughty step - no logical connection to teeth brushing at all. Jilly will perhaps think about how to lie better next time.

However in the situation that happened here where dss was being over excited and dangerous and then has hysterics about being told off, the naughty step could be part of a natural consequence. e.g. DSS you clearly need to calm down. Please go and sit down and have a think on your own until you feel calm and sensible enough to talk about what happened. Then we can talk about why it was dangerous and what you will do to make sure nobody gets hurt when you're playing next time (e.g. no lifting).

Time in or out can be a useful tool when a dc is getting worked up and needs to step back and cool it but on its own it's meaningless.

The idea of the naughty step is good. Do something bad, sit for a few minutes and think about what you've done and how you might change your ways, time's up, say sorry, next time you'll think again, right!

I don't think it happens like that because you're assuming that kids have the same mental capacity for analysing past/present/future behaviour as you do. They don't. Their brains aren't fully developed until 25! So some adjustments are required I think.

He is to old for the naughty step, use some form of timeouts if he is sobbing afterwards he must calm down return and face the consequences through a chat or punishment depending on the crime.
Let him know the new house rules so he is prepared if he breaks them.

Under “Normal” circumstances I would agree that a nine year old is too old to be out on the naughty step, but he is choosing to act like a toddler in response to his father expecting (and demanding) nothing more sophisticated than a toddler’s response to negative stimulus. (The fact that none of this is mentioned in his school reports is quite telling - it would definitely have been flagged as a problematic behaviour by this stage, so this child is quite capable of moderating his response to suit the narrative.) So, if you treat a child who is acting like a toddler like a naughty toddler, they will be very bored

People are recommending the fucking naughty step, for a nine year old?? 😂

You could in fact say, treat a child like a toddler, and they'll act like one.

He needs clear, consistent, age appropriate boundaries as a first port of call.

And even though his crying sounds annoying he doesn't deserve to be punished for it. If he's doing it to get out of being told off then that will soon stop if it no longer works.