To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

I know you said you don’t feel comfortable disciplining him but in some situations it shouldn’t matter - that being one of them.
You’re her voice and you just let someone hurt her with no consequences.

Alarge child drops a baby onto a hard floor and you wonder if theres a problem?

Your dh is creating a divide in your family. Dc need to be treated the same as far as discipline is concerned. ..
Doesn't bode well long term.

I expect the silent treatment when he gets home.

This solved it for me, sulky dad raised a sulky kid.

Jeez. Picking up toddlers and dropping them is something that anyone, any age needs telling off for. How your DH cant see that is crazy. His DS will be in for a shock once he reaches adulthood if his parents keep walking on egg shells around him.

I remember being a crier when I was younger, it was more embarrassment and shame. Didnt stop my DPs telling me off when I did something dangerous. In situations like that you are well within your right to discipline your DSS.

Step son cries and DH sulks, yep. It's pretty obvious where DSS gets his 'sensitivity' from isn't it.

DD is fine, thank you for asking. I'm keeping a close eye on her.

No dents or bulges on her skull. No bruising (miraculously) or swelling. She hasn't vomited and isn't unusually sleepy (sat next to me now wide awake) and is fully alert.

The rug we have is only about 1 1/2 inches thick but will have softened the impact slightly.

It isn't the first time she's had a fall but is certainly the first that could have been avoided.

DH is back now, sheepish. He's gone straight for a bath.

I said to him as he passed me that DSS is not to be picking her up again, full stop.

He could have killed her!
Jesus.

The thing is rather than helping his son he is just making the problem worse.

How does your DSS see your DH react when the others get told off - your 11 year old and 3 year old. Does he shout etc. Is his reaction such that him crying is actually a far reaction.

He needed to be told that his behaviour is dangerous etc and have consequences but shouting at him is never an option. Does he see his Dad do that elsewhere

The fact that he would tell of his step son but not his own son means you have a massive DH issue and a DSS who isnt being handled well and wont cope with things in the real world

He needs to start actually parenting
Easy to see where your stepson gets that sulky shit from

Wow. Just wow. Did your DH even bother checking your DD was ok or was he only interested in soothing DSS?

I'm a fairly relaxed parent about lots of things, but I'm not sure I could cope with a boy that age throwing my toddler about.

I don't know what you do, though. I mean, next time intervene and reprimand yourself but, if this is the level of your DSS's thoughtlessness, are you sure you'll all survive the next time unscathed.

He threw a tiny child onto a hard floor. And was told not to worry about her hurting herself !

@Mummyoflittledragon

Your poor dd. How frightening for her and you. I don’t think it is too late for you to say something to your dss. You were too upset today. Would you consider sitting down with him next contact day to talk about boundaries and how serious what he did could have been? I think whatever happens, he has to be forbidden from picking his sister up.

+1 to this. His actions could have had very serious consequences for a tiny, defenceless toddler. He needs to be told. And no way should he be allowed to pick her up again, any time soon.

Your DH is a whole other story, but basically he needs to cop on big time about how the child is manipulating him.

Your husband is pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

How do you even find hin attractive?

I expect the silent treatment when he gets home.
Well now you know where DSS got his manipulative streak, in case you were wondering.

@MillyA
Your DSS is reckless and impulsive because he has never had any meaningful consequences for reckless and impulsive behaviour.

I recommend you dish out some silent treatment of your own, as well as immediate cessation of laundry and cooking and whatever else you do for DH until he agrees to completely change his approach.

The parents responsible for DSS need to get their approach right, and they have approximately 2 years to do so. Otherwise DSS will be lost.

DH needs to grow a backbone. His approach so far has resulted in a boy who is terrified of his own bad feelings - fear, guilt, remorse. He is actively hurting his son's chances of success in life and in relationships by his inability to foster resilience in this child. You foster resilience in a child by holding him appropriately responsible for his actions and by showing a child that they can live through times when things don't go their way. Soothing the child when he needs a firm consequence is downright neglectful. It is lazy parenting at its worst.

As soon as I shouted at him he turned on the water works, bang on cue.

I agree with those of you saying I should have stayed and addressed it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Truthfully I just wanted him out of my sight so took DD and left the room to settle her. It was clear I was very, very angry.

I expected DH to give him a serious bollocking and I'm gobsmacked that he didn't, regardless of how 'sensitive' he is.

Can you believe DH is offended here? Unbelievable.

It's not the first time I've pointed out how he treats the children differently.

If anyone ever "threw" my 18 month old child onto a floor, regardless of how thick any covering was, they would literally never be near my child alone again, and would also be told very clearly by me why that was wrong, not to do it again, and if they did there would be serious consequences. If I then was faced with the "silent treatment" from someone related to the thrower, I'd know exactly where I stood and what to do the next time something similar happened.

To answer the questions asked:

DSS does witness DH repremanding the other children yes, which includes raising his voice when needed (if they are doing something dangerous for example)

He doesn't react, just looks on at them being told off. It doesn't affect him.

Only when he is due a telling off does he start to quiver and cry.

His approach so far has resulted in a boy who is terrified of his own bad feelings - fear, guilt, remorse

Your DD is his DD, right?

He has a duty of care and of love to both.

His approach so far has resulted in a boy who knws exactly how to behave to escape any kind of reprimand for his cruel and manipulative behaviour.

I have a nephew who used to do this. At a similar age as well. It seemed to be only me and DH who could see through it - everyone would be hugging and soothing him after he'd hurt or wound up one of his cousins.
DH and I would tell him off if he was round our house or hurt one of our DCs. He learnt the tears wouldn't work with us so he stopped trying it when we around.
He does seem to have grown out of it generally now he's older. Can't see that tactic working in secondary school.
Your DH needs to learn the world won't fall apart if your DSS cries for a bit.

If you and your dh would tell your other children off then you have to do the same with dss, it's unequal and unfair otherwise and your other children will notice and start to rebel and resent the disparity. How can/does your dh justify this unequal treatment to your joint children? Your children will jump to the conclusion that your dh loves and cares for them less than dss.

Imo your dss is playing the sympathy card with the tears he knows it will mean he won't get told off and he's right because it works and has done for years.

Are you sure your toddler is okay? Landing smack bang on her head is so dangerous, do keep an eye on her and don't hesitate to go to A&E if you have any cause for concern at all.

I have to admit that parents talking about their children being sensitive can be one of my pet peeves, who likes being told off for fucks sake!?!?!And how is he meant to learn how to deal with things if they are avoided.
My step dad would have (and did) pretty much the same and while I love my step sister she can still act like a brat and has trouble thinking of others.

@MillyA

He's not here now he has gone home.

I'll be honest I'm treading on egg shells around him myself half the time because if you so much as use a firm tone he starts sobbing, It was probably me shouting "no!" that set him off today.

I've been in his life for a good few years but I still don't feel comfortable disciplining him and want DH to fulfil his role in that regard.

I have an older DS (11 and not DH's son) and I know for a fact if DH saw him do that then he'd get a good telling off.

Christ. Even our three year old gets told off when he has done something dangerous.

Never DSS though because he'll spend the next hour stood in the corner facing the wall crying and sulking.

Let him cry and sulk. You need to put a stop to him treating the youngest like that. You need to protect your child

Sit down with DH tomorrow for a proper talk. DD could have been badly hurt. That's your priority. DSS's nasty little ways are secondary, but I'd see that as a big parenting issue too.

My DD is his DD yes. We have another child together aged 3 and then i have an 11 year old from a previous relationship.

My youngest two are his.

DD is absolutely fine, I appreciate the concern. I'm keeping her under close obs and I'm going to speak to my GP in the morning.

How can/does your dh justify this unequal treatment to your joint children?

Surprisingly he maintains that he treats them all the same, which is complete bollocks.

DSS puts on a huge gibbering and quivering facade when he senses a telling off is coming so DH "knows not to shout at him" because DSS will "panic"

DSS has never been spanked (neither DH or his ex use physical discipline) so has zero cause to believe he's going to be harmed, he doesn't even get told off let alone anything else. He is molly coddled.

You should tell him off - would you tell off a kid who's come on a play date and did the same thing?