To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

@BronwenFrideswide

If you and your dh would tell your other children off then you have to do the same with dss, it's unequal and unfair otherwise and your other children will notice and start to rebel and resent the disparity. How can/does your dh justify this unequal treatment to your joint children? Your children will jump to the conclusion that your dh loves and cares for them less than dss.

Imo your dss is playing the sympathy card with the tears he knows it will mean he won't get told off and he's right because it works and has done for years.

Are you sure your toddler is okay? Landing smack bang on her head is so dangerous, do keep an eye on her and don't hesitate to go to A&E if you have any cause for concern at all.

This especially how is your DD? I am also perturbed that your toddler gets dropped on her HEAD and your dh is more worried about the person who did it not being upset!

It sounds schemingly manipulative to me. Doesn't he ever get told off at school ?
I would not be OK with the different parenting. H is showing the others that DSS is special, is given preferential treatment.... So what if he cries? he can then go to his bedroom & when he has decided to think it over, stop whining & apologise, everyone can move on.
Also I would start with, "you can turn the water works off right now", then give him a serious talking to.
Your H is doing this boy no favours at all.

I'd want an apology from DSS and it shouldn't be a forced one, it should be something that he realises that he should have done straightaway instead of turning on the waterworks himself. Surely your DH must see that?

DSS is playing his silly father like a bloody fiddle.

Does he frequently shout though as shouting shouldnt be a way of telling off either. I get the sense of quite an angry difficult man

No dents on the skull? Oh great carry on then.

People are making a good point about your dss being a target at secondary school if he tries the same tactic. Your husband is acting like a complete arse.

I would consider having your dd in your bed tonight so you can keep an eye on her. Your dh can sleep in her or your dss’s bed.

A ‘ talking to ‘ in a quiet, measured tone isn’t scary or threatening. Any tears and sulks should be ignored completely. Your DH is way out of line here.

MY stepbrother was never ever told of for stuff he did when younger. It was always "boys willl be boys". It annoyed me at the time but in the longer term it completely and utterly ruined his life. At 30 he has no self control, no personal responsibility, no work ethic, no job and no real life. If your husband wants to complete waste all his sons potential then he should carry on as he is.

Erm so you reprimand him, he’s in your house and it’s your kid.. anyone hurts your kid you tell them off.

I think in future you will have to givè up on your hands off approach and discipline him yourself, ignore tears, indeed go as far as saying you can cut that out. If he sulks let him.

MY stepbrother was never ever told of for stuff he did when younger. It was always "boys willl be boys". It annoyed me at the time but in the longer term it completely and utterly ruined his life. At 30 he has no self control, no personal responsibility, no work ethic, no job and no real life.

THIS ^^

I have seen this end result too, in a former neighbour. I know a child at the moment who is heading down this road because the parents are a pair of nellies.

So is he "sheepish" or sulking? He cant be both. People are sheepish if they know they have done wrong and are embarrassed

I hope your daughter is okay. Don’t forget if she ever gets injured by your stepson , someone may even accuse you or your du if doing something to her, or you could be accused of not supervising stepson. I would tell DH that stepson shouldn’t be with any of the other children until you know he can be trusted and that means DH needs to step up to talk and discipline.

@randomer

No dents on the skull? Oh great carry on then.

No need for the sarcasm.

I'm well aware of what I need to be looking out for and when to worry about her condition. I will be speaking to my GP first thing in the morning and if they feel she needs to be checked over then she immediately will be.

She cried immediately and there is no sign of serious injury. If there were I would have taken her.

I expect the silent treatment when (DH) gets home

Easy to see where DSS's learned his manipulation

As you suggested yourself he's in for a treat when he gets to secondary ... does he really think the crocodile tears will wash then?

I would have told him off but to be honest I think you’re a saint for not giving him a wallop.

The disparity in treatment is grossly unfair to your other children.

Your DH is being an arse. And if you get the silent treatment for rightly pointing it out, he's abusive as well.Silent treatment is abuse.

You need to lay down new rules. DSS cannot continue to use tears and quivering to escape consequences of his own choices/behaviour. It's wrong, and it's doing him no favours in life.

@MillyA

Sorry crossed posts.

Wooden laminate flooring with a rug over the top yes.

DD is fine miraculously.

I haven't taken her to A&E no but I'm keeping a close eye on her. I know what to look out for and when to worry.

I plan to speak to my GP in the morning.

Mmm ok then

Has he ever actually been for a Sen assessment because if I witnessed those symptoms I would be putting in for a referral.

Sounds like a kid who has never been taught how to deal with his own emotions. The failure is on the part of his parents, kids don't just magically learn these things without guidance.

Emotional coaching works well for my DC with SEN, I don't see why it wouldn't work with neurotypical children too.

Avoiding emotions because they make us, or in this case others, uncomfortable is a recipe for disaster.

@PatriciaPerch

so what actually happened? you said he threw her head first, how did that happen? was he hanging her upside down by her legs or what? and why would he hold her a throw her?

he is only a child, a young one at that but I don't understand how this came to happen?

I explained on the previous page but you must have missed it.

He was 'playing' with her. She was sat on the rug, he bent down and tickled her to which she laughed. He then picked her up, said "weee" and threw her back down - as though it would be fun for her.

Complete lack of common sense.

@BloggersBlog

So is he "sheepish" or sulking? He cant be both. People are sheepish if they know they have done wrong and are embarrassed

He came in sheepish after making it clear he was offended on the phone, said hello meekly then nothing else and went for a bath so he didn't need to deal with me and this situation.

You know, op, it's pointless ringing the GP in the morning. If there was any brain damage, it could be too late by then.