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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
DimidDavilby · 12/11/2020 18:05

Your DP was needlessly antagonistic to someone trying to help you both out. Is he usually fractious with your ex?

Cocomarine · 12/11/2020 18:09

Your boyfriend was a dick. YANBU.

user1493413286 · 12/11/2020 18:10

I wouldn’t be comfortable with DSDs mum looking after my DC and I can’t even put into words why. There are better ways for your DP to have dealt with it; I think I would have said “thanks, very kind of you but that’s ok” but I guess he didn’t think through what he said and wanted to respond before you accepted it. I think for the sake of harmony he could apologise saying something along the lines of it came across wrong but equally I don’t think he’s actually done anything wrong

RunningFromInsanity · 12/11/2020 18:11

Hmn on the fence with this one.

Your ex is technically no relation to your DPs daughter, so it depends how close the 3 of you adults are.

On the other hand, your ex was offering a nice and helpful thing and you and your DP should have discussed it instead of him point blank refusing.

MrsWooster · 12/11/2020 18:14

Your ex is right, in that DP looks after his ds... also dp was tactless, though probably understandably acted on instinct/without thinking. When things calm down can you encourage dp to look at it calmly and see if he can start to see the three of you adults as a mutually supportive group-a sort of mini ‘takes a village to raise a child’?

Plumplumbadum · 12/11/2020 18:15

In that case, it's not appropriate for your DP to be looking after your DS then is it? I can understand why your ex was pissed off.

Candyfloss99 · 12/11/2020 18:15

Your partner is your exes son's stepdad though. Your ex is absolutely no relation to you and your partner's child. I can see why your DP thinks it would be weird. Your DP doesn't know your ex so why would he let him look after his child?

Womencanlift · 12/11/2020 18:15

So your DP can look after your ex’s children (your sons that live with you both) but your ex cannot look after your DP’s child for a few hours? Your DP is being ridiculous

My mum would sometimes babysit my dads kids from his second relationship with no drama whatsoever

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 18:17

I wouldn’t send my child off with an adult who wasn’t related to her who I had no particular reason to like.

nokidshere · 12/11/2020 18:19

My sisters ex always took her 3rd child (new partner) when he took his own two. I think it's lovely if you are in that position of being helpful for each other.

And, as others have said, your DP looks after your ex's children on a daily basis so to say it's 'being inappropriate' is a bit off.

Soulstirring · 12/11/2020 18:19

How lovely of him to offer though. And to treat your DD with the respect she deserves as the sister of his son. I hope you can encourage your partner to see it that way.

MylittleLovebug · 12/11/2020 18:20

I wouldnt send my ds to my dsc mum. Its not the same as your dp looking after the ex child as they live together and have an ongoing relationship, there is no relationship between his dd and your ex.

Your ex was being kind but your dp is not unreasonable to say no

OverTheRubicon · 12/11/2020 18:21

@Womencanlift

So your DP can look after your ex’s children (your sons that live with you both) but your ex cannot look after your DP’s child for a few hours? Your DP is being ridiculous

My mum would sometimes babysit my dads kids from his second relationship with no drama whatsoever

This. Given there's no background of risk or drama it was a kind and mature offer from your ex and a rude response from your dp. Even if he disagreed, he could have waited and discussed later. Is he always like this?
flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 18:21

And, as others have said, your DP looks after your ex's children on a daily basis so to say it's 'being inappropriate' is a bit off.

But that isn’t a choice the ex is making, the OP makes that choice. There is no logic for reciprocity.

MustardMitt · 12/11/2020 18:22

I think DP’s objections are irrational but I suspect quite a lot of people would feel similarly.

If he’s not comfortable with it, maybe he could arrange something nice for you?

FWIW I wouldn’t necessarily want my one year old to spend more than a couple of hours with a stranger, even if it was someone related to me.

Womencanlift · 12/11/2020 18:27

@Soulstirring

How lovely of him to offer though. And to treat your DD with the respect she deserves as the sister of his son. I hope you can encourage your partner to see it that way.
Couldn’t agree more with this. You hear so many stories of awful relationships between ex and new families. Your ex is definitely being the mature one in this scenario

Think how much easier the future will be OP if your family is seen as one blended family rather than two separate ones

HugeAckmansWife · 12/11/2020 18:28

For those saying you wouldn't let an adult not related to your child have them, you better hope that you don't split, your ex get a new partner with whom he is 100% entitled to leave the kids with during his contact time. I think this was a really nice offer. A great and rare example if coparenting done right. The child is half sibling of the ex's child and they live together so he's not a stranger and there's no reason to imagine anything untoward. I'd be really pissed off with dp in this scenario and ask him to explain why its appropriate for him to look after ds1, who isn't his, presumably sometimes when the op isn't there, but not the other way round.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/11/2020 18:28

Your DP doesn't know your ex so why would he let him look after his child?

The same could be said for the ex when OPs new partner came on the scene.

Your dp was rude. I do understand where he's coming from but he didn't need to react like that. Your ex was correct in what he said.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 18:30

The same could be said for the ex when OPs new partner came on the scene.

No, because that wasn’t the ex’s decision. Presumably, not knowing the OP’s new partner, if it had been his decision he would have said no.

ChickensMightFly · 12/11/2020 18:30

The ex has every reasonable reason to feel pissed off. He was helping his ex have more time with her newer partner by going above and beyond what he technically 'ought' to be doing. Your dp is treating him with mistrust unjustifiably from what you're saying. Your ex trusts the dp with his child why would it not go the other way to be kind.
Very tactless of him to say it to his face like that and not handle it diplomatically too.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 18:31

For those saying you wouldn't let an adult not related to your child have them, you better hope that you don't split, your ex get a new partner with whom he is 100% entitled to leave the kids with during his contact time.

Obviously if that happens I’ll have to deal with it. The OP’s DP isn’t in this position, though. He doesn’t need to let someone he doesn’t know look after his baby.

SpilltheTea · 12/11/2020 18:31

It's a lovely thing to do and It's her brother's Dad, not some weirdo. DP is allowed to not be okay with it, but he didn't need to be a dick.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 18:34

It's a lovely thing to do and It's her brother's Dad, not some weirdo.

Because nobody’s dad is ever a weirdo. Hmm

Clearly the OP trusts her ex. That’s great. But her DP isn’t obligated to do the same. He doesn’t know him.

GlowingOrb · 12/11/2020 18:35

I do think his objection is ridiculous. I also think as parents we are allowed a bit of ridiculous when it comes to protecting our children. Still, there are a million ways he could have handled it tactfully. The easiest would have been a non-committal nod and then speaking frankly to you in private. In the interest of blended family harmony, it wouldn’t hurt for him to admit to your ex that he knows that his feelings are a bit irrational or someway to frame it that makes it clear the problem isn’t trusting or liking ex.

itsgettingweird · 12/11/2020 18:41

Your ex DH sounds like one of those men we all wish existed when we MN about the twats!

It's his sons sister. It's just taking a child who is part of a blended family.

My sister was rushed to a and e a few weeks ago and was in For days after emergency surgery. As both my parents are in chemo I was looking after my nephew and Contacted his dad (sisters ex) to arrange him having him. He always has him sundays and I kept him all Saturday as he was playing with my ds. Went to hospital to get sisters key and sort nephews stuff etc etc.
I then had him following week so my sister could rest.
The following day his dad offered to have my son with my nephew to give me a few hours peace (I'm also a LP and ds dad not around)

I snapped up the opportunity!