DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

[Gripgru]

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

@user1493413286

I wouldn’t be comfortable with DSDs mum looking after my DC and I can’t even put into words why. There are better ways for your DP to have dealt with it; I think I would have said “thanks, very kind of you but that’s ok” but I guess he didn’t think through what he said and wanted to respond before you accepted it. I think for the sake of harmony he could apologise saying something along the lines of it came across wrong but equally I don’t think he’s actually done anything wrong

He has no need to apologise and nothing came across wrong.

@DimidDavilby He's not usually rude like this with ex. I can see where he's coming from a little even if I don't think I agree, but that is surely not an excuse to be nasty? If the nextdoor neighbour who we both don't like would have offered to take DD I would have politely declined, but I wouldn't have told her to her face that I think it isn't appropriate.

DP disagrees and says he was merely being factual, not rude.

Your ex is being decent, your DP is being a twat.

Your ex trusts your DP round his child. Your DP should be pleased that your ex has offered to help in this way.

Your partners being a dick! I think that is a lovely offer from your ex and he has a point about your current partner having the other child! If only more exes were like that!

Your DP sounds like a real jerk.

With the inappropriate comment its like he is insinuating something pretty insulting! I'd be pissed off if I was your ex.

I looked after my sd's little brother a few times to help out. No relation to me or dh but still sds brother so part of the family. I think it was lovely of you ex to offer but people can be weird with partners exes and he probably just reacted rather than stepping back to think about it.

I’m with your DP but not because I don’t think it’s appropriate but because contact time should be spent with his own child and not others. Plus I would feel really cheeky deciding to have another child then letting an ex babysit as I wanted a break.

When I was with ex, we used to have his children and their older siblings would join them occasionally, they wanted to see where their brothers and sister were going at the weekends so we would invite them over. I don’t see a issue but I can see how some would find it a bit weird.

It's a lovely offer, I can see why your partner felt a bit challenged by it, but unless there some background we're not aware of if all the kids can have extra caring adults in their life it's a win win. He needs to have a word with himself.

I can see where he's coming from a little

How so? sounds completely unreasonable to me.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss but I never asked ex to babysit my child, he offered. The contact thing is a bit weird to me. So DS should not have play dates at his dad's house (pre-Covid), because that would eat into their contact time?

It was kind of him.
It is good he sees them as siblings it will be nice when they're older.
The little one is a bit young IMO.
My friend who co parents often takes her DS with his younger brother she obviously isn't related but he is her Sons brother.

No, because that wasn’t the ex’s decision. Presumably, not knowing the OP’s new partner, if it had been his decision he would have said no.

So one dad gets a say in a stranger looking after his child, and the other doesn't. Not very fair is it.

Personally before I tackled the DPs odd reaction, my focus would be on the way he decided for the OP without giving the OP a chance themselves.

That's far more serious than any single incident.

OP, does your DP have a history of making your decisions for you ?

Your ex is technically no relation to your DPs daughter, so it depends how close the 3 of you adults are.

Does the “current” (OPs words, not mine!) boyfriend ever look after the firstborn child without the mother about? Because that the same thing.

If current boyf ever looks after the exH’s kid, then the current boyf has no grounds for complaint.

@DimidDavilby

With the inappropriate comment its like he is insinuating something pretty insulting! I'd be pissed off if I was your ex.

I agree! It's not just the refusal, it's the way it was done - rude and unnecessary.

I’d hit the roof if this happened to me tbh ! Your boyfriend sounds like a Right insecure arse tbh

If current boyf ever looks after the exH’s kid, then the current boyf has no grounds for complaint
Exactly.

What was his reason for thinking it was "inappropriate"?

@Cocomarine

Your boyfriend was a dick. YANBU.

That.

If they can be siblings with your Dp looking after them, they can be siblings with the other one’s dad looking after them.

People have weird hang ups.

Your DP was being territorial. Was he jealous that ex was doing something nice for you? Is he often rude?

The decision is neither right nor wrong really, but the way it was said was really rude and your DP is a bit of a dick.

What was wrong with saying something like " thanks, that's a lovely offer, we'll have a think about it/she's too young and doesn't really know you yet/we were only joking, it's nice for them each to get individual time with their dads so I can give gripgru a break" etc

He just said he didn’t think it was a good idea, he didn’t tell your ex to fuck off and shove his offer up his arse. Just because your ex got offended doesn’t mean your DP did anything wrong. As a parent I reserve the right to jump in and immediately say when something doesn’t feel right for my child. My DH is allowed to do the same.