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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
EnjoyingTheSilence · 12/11/2020 19:56

What a lovely thing for your ex to offer.

I have a friend whose son and dil divorced. The dil has had a couple of kids with her new dh, my friends treats these kids like her own gc, she has an amazing relationship with her ex dil and new husband as well as her son and his new wife. The children all feel very very loved

Your dp was a dick

Ideasplease322 · 12/11/2020 19:57

@flaviaritt

I agree with this. DP can look after ex's son, but not the other way around? This is hypocritical of your DP.

This is utter nonsense. The DP looks after his partner’s children at her request.
They know each other. He doesn’t know the ex.

I don’t follow this logic

The common factor is the mother - who knows them both equally well and trusts them both with her children.

If the men doesn’t know each other well, surely they can still look after each other’s children of the mother thinks they are both safe and competent?

Each man would be looking after the child with the mother’s permission? Only difference is one dad gets to veto (beciase he is he current squeeze) while the other man doesn’t. I can see why this seems unreasonable to the ex.

LynetteScavo · 12/11/2020 19:57

One oft he liveliest things I ever witnessed was an exH stepping in to pay for something for his exWs child when should couldn't afford
to pay. He obviously didn't want his DSs younger sibling to go without something his child already had. He didn't have to, it was a lovely gesture.

Your DP is being an arse.. You might need your excess help one day, and I could understand if he refused after being treated so rudely by your DP.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 19:58

The common factor is the mother - who knows them both equally well and trusts them both with her children.

Because they are not just her children, they’re also her DP’s children. He has the right to veto a childcare provider if he is uncomfortable, as does any parent.

musicalfrog · 12/11/2020 19:59

@SerendipityJane

Personally before I tackled the DPs odd reaction, my focus would be on the way he decided for the OP without giving the OP a chance themselves.

That's far more serious than any single incident.

OP, does your DP have a history of making your decisions for you ?

He didn't decide for the OP. He decided for his DD.
PeterPanNeverLands · 12/11/2020 20:01

Not really the point but I think it's lovely you and your ex have maintained such a good relationship that he would automatically offer to do that.

Good on you both Flowers

AlternativePerspective · 12/11/2020 20:03

Your DP is being a petty twat. But tbh this goes further than his just not wanting your ex to look after his child.

If people could just let go of the hang up they have over it being an ex for a second, think about what the DP has actually done here. A friend of the OP’s has offered to take the kids for a bit so she can have some time to herself. Who that friend is doesn’t matter for the purposes of this. But the DP says in front of his partner and the friend who has offered that it wouldn’t be appropriate.

How dare he. How dare he decide on his partner’s behalf which of her friends are allowed to look after her child.

If the OP had written that a friend had been round and they’d had the same discussion and the DP had said no and said it wasn’t appropriate, people would say he was controlling and undermining and questioning whether there were other examples of his controlling behaviour.

The only reason why people are siding with the partner here is because it’s an ex, and that has far more to do with people’s personal hang ups than with the person who is offering.

All these people who can’t understand why people can’t be amicable when they’re ex’s need to get over themselves. Just because you dislike your ex doesn’t mean everyone else should....

cabingirl · 12/11/2020 20:05

I think it's got to be down to individual people - you either like and trust someone enough to leave your kids with them or you don't. I'm a step-mum and would happily let their mother (my DH's exW) look after my DD - in fact whenever we've met at family events they get on so well I think they'd both enjoy spending time together. I think she'd say the same about me and her newest child.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 20:05

How dare he. How dare he decide on his partner’s behalf which of her friends are allowed to look after her child.

His child

I would not dream of arranging childcare without discussing it with my husband.

MiddlesexGirl · 12/11/2020 20:05

Yes .... agree with the majority here that it's refreshing to read of such a good relationship with the ex and a shame that the dp doesn't see it the same way and will potentially damage that relationship.

I wouldn’t send my child off with an adult who wasn’t related to her who I had no particular reason to like.

But by the same token he has no particular reason to dislike either.

GabsAlot · 12/11/2020 20:06

he was rude he could have said thanks for the offer but maybe another time

mabe the ex is a good person just wanting to help

GaraMedouar · 12/11/2020 20:07

I think it was a nice offer by your ex but I’d say no. My exH ‘s girlfriend offered to have my DD (not exH’s) , when she had my DS’s - if I needed her to at anytime. I thanked her for the offer - but there’s no way I’d say yes. I have never met my exh girlfriend, only messaged her, and I know she’s lovely to the boys but that’s just a no from me. I actually found the offer strange. Partly I suppose the split with exH was extremely animosity filled - and I hate the twat (though I don’t say it like that to my DS’s) so that would influence my decision.

RedMarauder · 12/11/2020 20:09

Your DP is unreasonable.

You DS 4 can talk and will tell you everything that went on even if you don't want to know about it.

My step-mother use to randomly look after me when my mum asked when I was little. It meant I got to play with my half-siblings.

AlternativePerspective · 12/11/2020 20:10

I presume that those who think the DP is in the right consult with your husbands every time your children go on a play date and ask his permission then? You know, just in case he doesn’t agree?

AlternativePerspective · 12/11/2020 20:11

Or if they’re invited to a birthday party, you say you have to ask your husband’s permission first?

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 20:11

But by the same token he has no particular reason to dislike either.

We don’t know that. But also, I have no reason to dislike the dude who cleans my windows. I’m not going to hand him my one year old. For me, childcare of a baby is a massive responsibility and I would only choose someone I trusted.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 20:11

I presume that those who think the DP is in the right consult with your husbands every time your children go on a play date and ask his permission then? You know, just in case he doesn’t agree?

Babies don’t go on play dates.

TicTacTwo · 12/11/2020 20:12

Your partner should have been grateful for this kind gesture regardless of whether or not you used ex as a babysitter.

It's not petty for ex to point out that your partner looks after ds and I totally understand why he'd be annoyed that he was basically told that he's not a good enough babysitter. (I'm assuming that he's not a crap parent in this regard)

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 12/11/2020 20:19

Your ex sounds lovely OP. Your new partner sounds like dick.

musicalfrog · 12/11/2020 20:19

@AlternativePerspective

I presume that those who think the DP is in the right consult with your husbands every time your children go on a play date and ask his permission then? You know, just in case he doesn’t agree?
I accompany my children on playdates up to the age of about 6. What's your point?
KarmaNoMore · 12/11/2020 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Choccylips · 12/11/2020 20:21

I think it was very generous and caring of your ex to think of giving you a break. I do know exes that do this and know it means a lot to their own DC. Sorry about your DP maybe he needed more thinking time or convincing was there a spark of jealousy over this kind gesture.

Dontbeme · 12/11/2020 20:21

@flaviaritt

The common factor is the mother - who knows them both equally well and trusts them both with her children.

Because they are not just her children, they’re also her DP’s children. He has the right to veto a childcare provider if he is uncomfortable, as does any parent.

So OP exh should get to say no to new bloke looking after his ds too? After all he doesn't really know him, has no reason to particularly like him. He is a stranger to him, so why would he trust him with his child? Would it be reasonable of him to say that his son cannot be left in this blokes care when the OP has a shower, goes to the corner shop, or any other numerous little events that happen in a family home day to day?
RedMarauder · 12/11/2020 20:22

@flaviaritt so your husband doesn't trust you to make childcare decisions on your own?

Just hope you stay together otherwise you both be in for a shock.

MiddlesexGirl · 12/11/2020 20:24

But also, I have no reason to dislike the dude who cleans my windows. I’m not going to hand him my one year old.

But OP knows the ex very well and trusts him. The DP may or may not know the ex but he doesn't trust the OP? Now that would bother me a lot.

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