DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

[Gripgru]

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

This view is selfish though.

Nope. If I were being selfish I’d send her off with anyone who offered.

@flaviaritt it’s not anyone is it? Also if you look beyond your own point of view you are instilling separation as siblings. Ridiculous you meet strangers and become friends what’s your point?

Or are you suggesting that’s what OP should do keep things separate? How is a rapport built?

@Blueberries0112

According to the statistics, new boyfriends are most likely to abuse children that are not theirs. And I guess in his mind , this would apply to ex-boyfriends too. He is uncomfortable, so I would let it go

But there is an irony here, He is equally likely to abide the ex’s son and yet he is alone with him all the time.

In any case there is no getting away from the current Boyfriend being rude. If he and OP split he will really struggle with new partners,

Abuse not abide

he trust himself, but he doesn't trust anyone else, I guess. A lot of parents do this actually, they let your kids come over but they don't dare let their kids come to your place.

If the dp didn't want to let her go, that's understandable and fine. But he didn't have to refuse in such a rude way. He could have simply said "thanks, but there's no need".

Or are you suggesting that’s what OP should do keep things separate? How is a rapport built?

I am not suggesting anything, other than that the OP’s DP (as his kids’ dad) is entitled to a say in who looks after his children.

@Blueberries0112

he trust himself, but he doesn't trust anyone else, I guess. A lot of parents do this actually, they let your kids come over but they don't dare let their kids come to your place.

It’s a bit sad though isn’t it. If he suspects this man is capable of child Abuse, he isn’t doing anything to protect the other child?

Sounds really nice of the ex to offer.

Your dp is an arse!

So he expects to be trusted and accepted by your ex to not only care for but live with and be a step parent to your older child but he can't extend your ex the same courtesy when he's offering to do you BOTH A favour and give you some free time together?

How the HELL is it "inappropriate"? Assuming your ex is to the best of your knowledge a safe, capable and non abusive parent (which your op gives zero indication of) then there's NOTHING inappropriate about this at all!

He needs to grow up and get over himself!

I babysat my dds younger half siblings at times when dd and they were little and my ex's wife had absolutely no problem with that! Why would she?!

My ex was the child of a 2nd marriage he and all his siblings floated between the 2 homes quite regularly and he refers to his fathers first wife as "auntie", and even my exes dads dgc inc dd known her and refer to her as "auntie" too, she and her 2nd husband were even at our wedding, they were at exes full siblings weddings too

I also know at least 3 couples where when the "new" couples went on their honeymoons the exes had all the children of the 2 relationships to allow them to go as just newlywed couples. Totally fine and the kids had a ball too.

Just as I had total trust in her caring for dd.

He's being ridiculous and frankly owes both you and your ex an apology!

Doing this would be a great way of showing the kids that they're cared for and included by all the parents around them.

That's very healthy and mature and sensible - qualities your dp seems to lack!

exactly WHY was it inappropriate if he's so determined it's "factual" then? What risk does he think your ex poses to your dd?

Classic pissing contest yep! Dick measuring in the extreme I suspect!

A LOT of people assuming the new partner doesn't know the ex when there's absolutely no indication of this, indeed it sounds as if normally co-patenting is pretty amicable and they're comfortable in each other's homes so the ex may well know ops do and dd fairly well - at least as well as a "regular" "uncle" type figure

I also think it's highly unlikely the new dp is NEVER alone with the dc that just wouldn't be practical or normal in most families

He has the right to veto a childcare provider if he is uncomfortable, as does any parent.'except her ex has no right to veto so no any parent does NOT have the right to veto

Plus as several pps have pointed out it wasn't solely HIS decision to make!

people would say he was controlling and undermining and questioning whether there were other examples of his controlling behaviour. exactly! Replace ex with "friend" or even "relative" that the dp didn't know as well as op does - would get totally different responses

I maintain - your dp is an arse!

@flaviaritt

Or are you suggesting that’s what OP should do keep things separate? How is a rapport built?

I am not suggesting anything, other than that the OP’s DP (as his kids’ dad) is entitled to a say in who looks after his children.

Absolutely. Works both ways though if OPs ex was to kick up a fuss I suppose that would be different then

@Blueberries0112 If my partner in any way thought that the father of my son shouldn't look after our DD because he might abuse her I'd be horrified. That better not have been what he meant, because that's incredibly insulting.

DP does look after DS on his own. When I said I could sort of see his point of view I was thinking from a new dad and leaving his only daughter in a house he'd never been to when she's only little. I wouldn't have said yes to ex on the spot, so I think he shouldn't have said no on the spot either, especially not like that.

He's not normally like that, so perhaps he was having a bad day. Who knows.

What I do know is that he can get a little childish when he's done something wrong and it can take a while for him to admit it, so he might be more reasonable in a few days. I don't really want to create this awkward atmosphere when ex is around for DS.

The "inappropriate" comment could have been to do with the fact the child is only a year old. OP'S DP may have been ok with it if his child was older. Or he may dislike the ex for a good reason. None of us have any idea if the man who made this 'lovely gesture' is a suitable person to look after a small child who presumably barely knows him.

I do think this thread is a classic example of MN's double standards. If OP was a man who wrote that his ex-wife offered to look after this child and his new partner objected he would be a) roundly criticised for trying to palm his child off on an ex and b) told that his current partner has every right to refuse as she is the mother, knows best and probably has a good reason/instinct to mistrust his ex wife.

Works both ways though if OPs ex was to kick up a fuss I suppose that would be different then grin

It doesn’t work both ways. Residential custody has been separated. When the OP has the children, childcare is her responsibility. Likewise, when her ex has the children, it’s his.

If my partner in any way thought that the father of my son shouldn't look after our DD because he might abuse her I'd be horrified. That better not have been what he meant, because that's incredibly insulting.

I don’t get it. What’s insulting?

Your dp is an arse!

So he expects to be trusted and accepted by your ex to not only care for but live with and be a step parent to your older child but he can't extend your ex the same courtesy when he's offering to do you BOTH A favour and give you some free time together?

How the HELL is it "inappropriate"? Assuming your ex is to the best of your knowledge a safe, capable and non abusive parent (which your op gives zero indication of) then there's NOTHING inappropriate about this at all!

He needs to grow up and get over himself!
This^^

It sounds like he might be a little threatened by an amicable coparenting relationship

Going against the grain here it seems but I'm with your DP on this. Although he could/should have been more tactful about it. My DH's exW is no relation to my DS. My DSD on the other hand is my stepdaughter, and my DH's daughter. It's not the same as me looking after my DSD when she is at our/her house.

If you have a situation where all the adults get along and are happy with it then great, and it certainly was nice of him to offer. But obviously your DP isn't happy with it, nor would I be.

There are many fathers who refuse to let their daughter be babysit/looked after by a male, even one who is CRB checked etc. It’s worth probing to see if this is part of his thinking.

I think it was a nice offer from your ex and, whilst I can understand why your DP wasn't comfortable with it, I don't think he should have said it the way he did.

Your DP was a twat. Your Ex sounds like a good guy.

How is the ex 'no relation' to the DD?? Of course he is. He is the father of her half brother. They are very much part of the same family! Some weird views on here!

Your DD is related to your ex - he is her brother’s dad.

Whether it’s a good idea depends on how well your DD knows him & if she wants to go. I don’t see it any differently to a friend looking after her for a couple of hours.

Obviously your DP is looking at your ex as a rival, I can see why it’s a bit weird for him but he was still rude.

They are very much part of the same family! Some weird views on here!

Weird the OP divorced him, then.

Your DD is related to your ex - he is her brother’s dad.

They’re not related to each other. They just share a relation. But to each other they are really just nothing.

My ex’s ex wife is definitely no relation to my children, and to be honest I think even she would agree with that.

Funinthesun - if your kids have got half siblings whose mother is your ex's ex wife then it's a pretty sad view to consider they are not part of the same overall family. I would certainly consider the parents of a half sibling to be part of my wider family. It is not some third degree cousin but actually the parent of a half sibling.