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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
idril · 12/11/2020 20:26

Very rude.

Regardless of DP's views on it, your poor ex had a kind gesture rudely thrown back in his face. I'd be fuming.

The correct response from your DP was "thanks, that's a really kind offer. We might take you up on that - can we get back to you?". Then you discuss and come up with an excuse or a polite decline.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 20:27

So OP exh should get to say no to new bloke looking after his ds too

No. They split up. They are no longer joint decision makers.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 20:28

so your husband doesn't trust you to make childcare decisions on your own?

No idea. I’ve never had reason to ask.

Temporary1234 · 12/11/2020 20:30

No one is being wrong here

The approach wasn’t the best

But I’m with your DP that he doesn’t have to like it. Your ex is a stranger to him and ur dd.

tigger001 · 12/11/2020 20:30

All seems a bit blown out of proportion in this situation.

Your DP is quite entitled to not want your ex looking after his and your child, and have I missed the bit where he was nasty, as saying "he doesn't think it a good idea" to an open conversation about his child, in front of him, is not rude.

You ex is correct, your DP is on contact with your Ex's child, but he was obviously ok with that and that doesn't mean your DP had to "return the feeling".

Strictlysilly · 12/11/2020 20:30

Your ex sounds like a really decent person. Its ok to refuse but you current partner was ignorant to do it infront of him.

RoseTintedAtuin · 12/11/2020 20:31

Against the majority but I don’t think what he said was rude (not sure how he said it). It sounds like he was setting boundaries with what he is comfortable with and based on what you’ve said I don’t think he has anything to apologise for. Your ex does sound lovely and it was a lovely gesture but if you DP isn’t comfortable with it then he is right to set those boundaries and for you to consider his feelings.
It sounds like you have a different view on how blended you want the families to be.

Stinkerbells · 12/11/2020 20:31

We help my ex and his lovely wife out with care for their daughter and they help with our little ones, to us they’re just an extension of our family, we all get on really well but know it’s not the same for everyone and do feel lucky.

It was lovely of your ex to offer and it sounds like you have a really good relationship which is great for you all and your DC’s.

Your DP might have been caught off guard a bit and sounds like he maybe didn’t react in the most diplomatic way if he wasn’t too keen and the rejection might have hurt your ex a bit.

Dontbeme · 12/11/2020 20:32

@flaviaritt

So OP exh should get to say no to new bloke looking after his ds too

No. They split up. They are no longer joint decision makers.

He divorced the OP, not his child. He is still a parent, or are you going to tell us that dad's are only parents for as long as they remain married to the DC mother? You are being deliberately obtuse.
flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 20:33

He divorced the OP, not his child. He is still a parent, or are you going to tell us that dad's are only parents for as long as they remain married to the DC mother? You are being deliberately obtuse.

No, you are being obtuse. You are (and must be) well aware of what happens when people split up.

Candyfloss99 · 12/11/2020 20:35

@RoseTintedAtuin

Against the majority but I don’t think what he said was rude (not sure how he said it). It sounds like he was setting boundaries with what he is comfortable with and based on what you’ve said I don’t think he has anything to apologise for. Your ex does sound lovely and it was a lovely gesture but if you DP isn’t comfortable with it then he is right to set those boundaries and for you to consider his feelings. It sounds like you have a different view on how blended you want the families to be.
This
Badwill · 12/11/2020 20:36

Kind of him to offer and your partner should have been more polite about it for sure, however he's right that it wouldn't be a good idea.

He's obviously being protective of his child and doesn't want another man looking after his DD I wouldn't allow that either - even if he is your ex. Too risky and just inappropriate really.

Sarahandco · 12/11/2020 20:36

Didn't Geldof adopt his ex-wife's daughter? the link is that your ex is your DD's Brothers Dad so there is a link. I do understand why your DP might not like the idea, but he should have let you decline politely after discussion in private.

DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 12/11/2020 20:36

@Soulstirring

How lovely of him to offer though. And to treat your DD with the respect she deserves as the sister of his son. I hope you can encourage your partner to see it that way.
It really is lovely. And a very mature way to act. I think it's so sad that most parents act like mean little children towards each other just because they're exes or their partner's exes.

I used to get a lift to school from my... now I need to think about this....

My stepbrother's half sister's mum (or my stepbrother's dad) if he was doing the dropping of that day). So my stepmum's ex's new wife or just her ex. Absolutely zero relation to me either way but still my dad's wife's ex!

One of them used to drop my stepbrother's to my dad's/stepmum's house on certain days where I also lived and travel onwards to take their DD to college. I was going that way too so they would take me.

Because my dad wasn't a childish petty man.

Ideasplease322 · 12/11/2020 20:37

@flaviaritt

The common factor is the mother - who knows them both equally well and trusts them both with her children.

Because they are not just her children, they’re also her DP’s children. He has the right to veto a childcare provider if he is uncomfortable, as does any parent.

No they don’t Of they are separated. The first husband has no veto over who is in his sons life. He can’t say the surrender boyfriend isn’t allowed to babysit.

I just think this thread is sad. There are no red flags being given by op about her first husband. He made a kind offer to help out. If more adults could be mature and reasonable kids would be a lot happier.

TheDowagerDuchess · 12/11/2020 20:38

Your DP was a bit of a dick. Even if he thought it was a bad idea, he should have said something quietly to you afterwards.

It was very kind of your ex to offer! I’m not sure I’ll be offering to babysit exh’s new baby when he or she is born!

TheDowagerDuchess · 12/11/2020 20:39

Maybe if my two want their little brother or sister to play when he or she is older, but not at age 1. I’m not looking after any 1 yo again until it’s my grandchild.

LaValliere · 12/11/2020 20:40

Your DP was rude and behaved weirdly. I don’t get why on earth he’d have a problem with his daughter being looked after by her own brother’s father. It seems very petty and unpleasant, responding in an aggressive way to a kind offer. Is he difficult in other contexts too?

I hope you’ve apologised to your ex, who behaved well....and sounds nicer than your current partner!

saraclara · 12/11/2020 20:40

@DimidDavilby

With the inappropriate comment its like he is insinuating something pretty insulting! I'd be pissed off if I was your ex.
Yes. That was entirely unnecessary of your partner. If I'd just made a kind offer and someone said that, I'd be mortified. And then angry.

Your DP didn't have to agree to it, but there are many other ways he could have handled it that wouldn't have been so insulting to your ex.

Blossomhill4 · 12/11/2020 20:41

@flaviaritt

I wouldn’t send my child off with an adult who wasn’t related to her who I had no particular reason to like.
This view is selfish though. Both OPs children are siblings and if you are willing to expand your family with different men/women I don’t see why the children’s relationship as siblings should be affected because the parents choose to be stubborn.
Audreyseyebrows · 12/11/2020 20:44

It was really kind of your ex and probably good for both dc.
Your dp is entitled to his opinion but he was rude about it.

NoParticularPattern · 12/11/2020 20:45

He feels the way he feels and that’s fine, even if he’s being irrational. What’s not fine is to be rude to someone’s face about it. There were several ways he could have handled it without upsetting anyone. I presume since he’s rejected that offer and entirely burnt that bridge that he has some other solution?

Audreyseyebrows · 12/11/2020 20:46

He could have said ‘that’s really kind of you but it would interfere with your contact time’ or some other kind excuse.

Codexdivinchi · 12/11/2020 20:49

Your DP was making sure this conversation never arises again. And I don’t blame him.

Blueberries0112 · 12/11/2020 21:00

According to the statistics, new boyfriends are most likely to abuse children that are not theirs. And I guess in his mind , this would apply to ex-boyfriends too. He is uncomfortable, so I would let it go