Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Hippee · 12/11/2020 19:04

Your DP needs lessons from my friend and her ex. They are amicably separated and he recently looked after her children from her second marriage while they went on holiday for her birthday (at least a week). There are so many examples of great co-parenting/mutual respect for their relationship, but unfortunately it would be too outing to list them.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 19:08

So one dad gets a say in a stranger looking after his child, and the other doesn't. Not very fair is it.

The ex has exactly the same right to enter a into a new relationship and have a new partner with access to his kids when he has them in his care. This isn’t about “fair”, it’s how life works.

BrummyMum1 · 12/11/2020 19:09

I personally wouldn’t want my 1 year old to be babysat in an environment they weren’t familiar with and settled in. Nothing to do with whether I trusted the babysitter, more to do with environment and child’s age.

Blackcountryexile · 12/11/2020 19:20

OP you mention being really exhausted with lockdown(understandably with 2 young children to care for). Ex H offered some help and this has been declined. What is you DP doing to support you and facilitate some down time for you both.?

Dontbeme · 12/11/2020 19:22

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

What was his reason for thinking it was "inappropriate"?
I am guessing that DP sees himself as the alpha male now of the family, and the offer from the ex to babysit was, in the eyes of the DP, a judgement that the DP was not cut out to take care of the DC. Classic pissing contest. Your ex seems like a good egg OP, he was acting in a mature and caring manner and in his position I would be annoyed too that my offer was deemed "inappropriate"
Ideasplease322 · 12/11/2020 19:24

@flaviaritt

I wouldn’t send my child off with an adult who wasn’t related to her who I had no particular reason to like.
Okay, but in this case the mother knows a huge amount about this man’s parenting style and I assume has no concerns. She also knows him incredibly well.

It was a lovely offer, and the boyfriend was rude and ungracious.

I had a friend who knew her dads first wife well, and who had great memories of going round to her house to spend time with them as family (her half sisters were a good bit older).

Why does everything have to be petty and acrimonious?

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 19:29

Why does everything have to be petty and acrimonious?

I don’t think it would be petty not to want this. Anyway, perhaps he wasn’t polite about it.

Coconuttts · 12/11/2020 19:30

Poor kids. Its going to be unpopular - but I would guess your ex is upset 99% of the time about you moving on so with someone who now sees more of his own child than he does. So it was pretty nice of him to offer. I wouldn't.

Fromthebirdsnest · 12/11/2020 19:33

So your ex offered to look after his sons sister to be kind and your partner was dismissive and rude ? I hope you make your partner appolagise how horrible !

Womencanlift · 12/11/2020 19:34

@flaviaritt

Why does everything have to be petty and acrimonious?

I don’t think it would be petty not to want this. Anyway, perhaps he wasn’t polite about it.

Who wasn’t polite? The ex? The only person not polite here was OP’s partner and he was absolutely petty.
scrivette · 12/11/2020 19:35

I think that it was kind of your ex to offer to offer and I would be asking exactly why your DP thinks it's inappropriate.

When DSS was younger we often used to take out of one of his siblings and even had them to stay. It was good for all involved.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 19:37

Who wasn’t polite? The ex? The only person not polite here was OP’s partner and he was absolutely petty.

I meant the OP’s partner. But no, I don’t think he was petty. No mother on here would be getting the same drubbing if she said her partner’s ex asked to mind her baby. No chance. This is weird.

Shortfeet · 12/11/2020 19:37

Most decent parents will help look after other people's children.

Your ex sounds very decent.

Your current partner is being unreasonable

OrigamiOwl · 12/11/2020 19:39

@Plumplumbadum

In that case, it's not appropriate for your DP to be looking after your DS then is it? I can understand why your ex was pissed off.
I agree with this. DP can look after ex's son, but not the other way around? This is hypocritical of your DP. Your ex was trying to be nice and do you both a favour... Don't be surprised if he doesn't offer again.
Snaileyes · 12/11/2020 19:40

Maybe your DP doesn’t really like your ex. He doesn’t have to.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 19:41

I agree with this. DP can look after ex's son, but not the other way around? This is hypocritical of your DP.

This is utter nonsense. The DP looks after his partner’s children at her request.
They know each other. He doesn’t know the ex.

Womencanlift · 12/11/2020 19:42

@flaviaritt

Who wasn’t polite? The ex? The only person not polite here was OP’s partner and he was absolutely petty.

I meant the OP’s partner. But no, I don’t think he was petty. No mother on here would be getting the same drubbing if she said her partner’s ex asked to mind her baby. No chance. This is weird.

Not weird at all. There have been plenty of examples on this thread with posters saying that they have taken half siblings out or the other parent has taken their child. This includes my own experience as I mentioned earlier. My mum babysat my dad’s kids with no drama.

It’s a shame if you and others are not open to having a mature relationship like this, if only to benefit the kids involved

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 19:44

Not weird at all. There have been plenty of examples on this thread with posters saying that they have taken half siblings out or the other parent has taken their child. This includes my own experience as I mentioned earlier. My mum babysat my dad’s kids with no drama.

It’s absolutely lovely when all parties are happy. It’s fine to say no, however, and no parent should be being taken to task for saying they aren’t comfortable.

TeachesOfPeaches · 12/11/2020 19:47

I agree with your DP, surprised at the answers here.

doodleygirl · 12/11/2020 19:51

Some people can be such dicks. It is a lovely thing for your ex to offer and unless he is unfit then I wouldnt think there is any reason not too. My ex would often take my DD and my two SDC for no reason than the kids loved going with him. I would also take DD half brother as well.

Fast forward 10 years everyone is so close and we have never had any of the hassles so many blended families seem to have.

Flutter12 · 12/11/2020 19:52

What a lovely man your ex is!

Your partner was in the wrong.

Your ex was trying to help you both out so you could have some free time. He could have politely declined or not said anything at the time and then once he left discussed it with you to say he felt uncomfortable so you could tell your ex in a nice way.

notacooldad · 12/11/2020 19:52

Your ex is being decent, your DP is being a twat
This!
It sounds like a load of male alpha bullshit from your DH.

I now many families ( some personal friends, some in my work capacity) were this is a perfectly normal, adult situation. These people act like grown ups and recognize that although there are different dad's involved the two kids are siblings!!

SimonJT · 12/11/2020 19:53

Your DP was really rude and chose to undermine you in front of someone.

If he thinks your ex isn’t fit to look after his child, why does he think he is fit to look after the child he doesn’t share with you? Either hes being a dick, or he thinks the child he doesn’t share with you is somehow less worthy of good care etc.

flaviaritt · 12/11/2020 19:55

If he thinks your ex isn’t fit to look after his child, why does he think he is fit to look after the child he doesn’t share with you?

So let me get this straight... Your standard for childcare is ‘doesn’t need to have their children removed from their care’?

musicalfrog · 12/11/2020 19:56

I'm with your DP.

There is a huge difference when he looks after DS, which is that DS still has a parent present (you).

Your DD wouldn't have any parents present if ex looked after her.

Swipe left for the next trending thread