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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 14:25

"If I was a single parent I would have sent DD on her way. I am not though, so if her dad isn't comfortable then that's fine."

That's good to hear. I did get the impression early in the thread that you also felt it wasn't a good idea. I could have been mistaken.

MindatWork · 13/11/2020 14:29

@Gripgru apologies, it read like you were being sarcastic about his ‘precious baby’ but realise that wasn’t the intention.

Does your DP come from a blended family? I only ask because I do, and I honestly can’t think of anything weirder (or more unexpected) than my dad offering to babysit my half sister to give my mum a rest.

Not saying it wasn’t a nice thing to offer because it was - and I know it’s considered best all round now if blended families can get on together

TicTacTwo · 13/11/2020 14:35

It's a shame your dp didn't explain to your ex that it wasn't a good idea because of Covid (or because she's his pfb) which could have defused the situation. Those reasons are understandable and shouldn't cause offence as he'd clearly say the same to any friend of the family who made the same offer.

funinthesun19 · 13/11/2020 14:48

Gosh it’s quite a jump from my ex’s ex wife babysitting my children for an hour to her being their family. She’s really not their family Grin What sentimental rubbish.

I take it her child with her current partner is a family member to my children too? So silly.

Original poster
Gripgru · 13/11/2020 14:49

@TicTacTwo This is what I mean. Ex isn't upset because DP rejected his offer, ex is upset because DP insinuated that he was somehow untrustworthy or shady.

DP could have said "No way I'm trusting anyone with my pfb" or "we got it, thanks" without the hostility and none of this would have happened.

DP is not from a blended family.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 14:53

Ex isn't upset because DP rejected his offer, ex is upset because DP insinuated that he was somehow untrustworthy or shady.

No he didn’t.

Womencanlift · 13/11/2020 15:05

@flaviaritt I think the OP has a better idea than you on what people are upset about - unless you are the DP of course which actually crossed my mind earlier based on some of your comments

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 15:10

Womencanlift

Do people really do that? Stalk their wives on MN? Anyway, the further away we can get from that suggestion the better.

But you have misunderstood. I am not saying the ex isn’t upset. Obviously we can take the OP’s word for that. I am saying, assuming what the DP said is accurate, he wasn’t (or wasn’t to my mind) insinuating negative things about him. He just doesn’t know him well enough to take care of his kid.

autumnboys · 13/11/2020 15:14

One of the most functional blended families I know does exactly this. The children are teens now but when they were younger, I used to struggle to remember which child was who’s.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 15:16

'DP insinuated that he was somehow untrustworthy or shady." Is there more than was in your opening post?

There are several reasons why I think this isn't a good idea. Yoir dp might have been worrying about Covid or your ex not knowing baby's rooitinr or bsby not knowing the man suddenly taking care of her or maybe he doesn't want your ex getting close to his family etc.

CynthiaRothrock · 13/11/2020 15:25

Dp was a dick. Dp lives with your exs child. But your ex is not fit to look after his child? Swings and round abouts. I'd ask dp why it's acceptable one way but not the other.

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 15:27

Dp lives with your exs child. But your ex is not fit to look after his child?

What do these things have to do with one another? Confused

ImEatingVeryHealthilyOhYes · 13/11/2020 15:31

I’m with flaviaritt It’s always good to be tactful but the baby’s dad should be allowed to veto it. I think if one parent has reservations about this then if doesn’t happen.

Obviously it’s a different situation if parents aren’t together and get into new relationships. Then the other parent had no control who their dc spends time with (as I know too well)

Original poster
Gripgru · 13/11/2020 18:15

@Italiangreyhound there isn't more than in my opening post. He was dismissive and rude in his tone of voice, and telling someone it's not a good idea and bla bla inappropriate isn't nice at all.

The "he might not want ex close to his family" is well, tough. That's not his decision. I've never hid my good relationship with ex from DP so he knew what he was getting into. DP met ex around the same time as he met DS.

DP has always been gracious around everyone so I don't understand what's changed. Other then, like I said, DP having a bad day. He's not said much about it today, but I'll have a chat with him later as don't really want any awkwardness tomorrow.

OP posts:
CuppaZa · 13/11/2020 18:18

Your partner is a dick

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 18:51

I thought the word 'inappropriate' was what he said in private to you not to your ex.

'The "he might not want ex close to his family" is well, tough.' I am not saying that is your dp's view. That is a view, which I'd understand.

'That's not his decision. I've never hid my good relationship with ex from DP so he knew what he was getting into. DP met ex around the same time as he met DS.'

But this isn't just about you, it's about the daughter you share with your dp.

Anyway, I hope the discussion goes well. I wanted to explain there are other views and I know the majority here are fully in the 'your ex is an angel and your do is a dick' camp but you (I hope) know your dp as someone better than that. So if he is concerned maybe you can find out why and work things out well.

Flowers
flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 19:01

Maybe he doesn’t agree with you that it’s ‘tough’ and wants some more distance between his family and your ex. As his current partner, you need to be prepared to hear him out on that.

Shelby2010 · 13/11/2020 19:15

Has anyone else looked after your DD or are you planning on putting her in childcare?

Having seen that she is actually only a baby, DP’s reaction is slightly more understandable. Especially as during lockdown etc there it is less likely that you’ll have left her with a friend whilst you went to get your hair done or had a GP appointment. I would be slightly wary that DP doesn’t decide that no one else is allowed to look after DD. Which, assuming he is working puts the entire burden of care on you.

Username7521 · 13/11/2020 19:20

My DPs ex has taken care our of DD (once overnight).
We don’t have parents in this country and don’t get much support. It’s lovely.
She might be a bit hideously to me but she’s raised two lovely DS who adore their sister and that’s what matters.

Mammylamb · 13/11/2020 19:31

Gosh, my dads ex wife (mother of my older siblings) babysitted me often as a child. My parents often babysitted her child to her new child. Sounds like your dp is cutting his nose to spite his face

Ughmaybenot · 13/11/2020 19:35

@Soulstirring

How lovely of him to offer though. And to treat your DD with the respect she deserves as the sister of his son. I hope you can encourage your partner to see it that way.
This! I actually think that’s so sweet. If your DP is dead against it, then what can you do? But he is being, imo, a bit daft.
makingmammaries · 13/11/2020 19:43

Your ex made a very kind offer.

Most of the blended families I know do this from time to time. Pity your DH behaved so ungraciously.

whistlesandbells · 14/11/2020 04:28

@Blackcountryexile ... fine point. How is DP going to step up?

seayork2020 · 14/11/2020 04:41

My brother and sister used to come with me when I visited my dad we were all treated the same same as my step dad treated me the same as my brother and sister.

Why does it have to be a big deal?

Newmumatlast · 14/11/2020 06:26

@funinthesun19

Funinthesun - if your kids have got half siblings whose mother is your ex's ex wife then it's a pretty sad view to consider they are not part of the same overall family. I would certainly consider the parents of a half sibling to be part of my wider family. It is not some third degree cousin but actually the parent of a half sibling.

We have very different views then.
My children have absolutely no relationship with their sibling’s mum nor will they ever. Why would they? They’ve probably forgotten what she looks like 🤷🏼‍♀️ The fact that they share a relative doesn’t mean they are relatives to each other.

I'm with you. Not family. In my situation they've never met as we live a distance away and SD is adult