Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

I’d feel hurt. I can’t understand excluding one family unit. Unless part of the back story is that you usually spend Xmas eve with your family

I would not confront anyone as that sounds like an aggressive approach that would get no good results. But I’d think about having a conversation about it. With the aim being of expressing how being excluded made me feel.
Then depending on how that went I would think about distancing myself and focusing on family and friends who care about me

What are the relationships like outside of Christmas? Do they regularly talk? See each other? If you raise it now and are invited will you always feel like it was a pity invite? Do you get excluded from other events? It might just be that they don't have that relationship with your husband. I would be hurt but I wouldn't say anything.

What is your relationship with your husband's siblings usually? Background probably is relevant if they are choosing not to include you in their christmas get together.

I'd make your own Christmas plans. Life is too short to spend with people who don't want you around

Does dm know she sent you the email?

Maybe if you spent less time “kicking off” and more time taking like grown ups, you'd have a better relationship and be more welcome?

I think I would withdraw from them for Christmas. You can see their plans are in place from the email. Don't engage further than that. Enjoy a quieter Christmas.

If anything gets mentioned say 'you could see from the plans in November that everyone was all booked up'.
If it were my parents if have to assume it was deliberate too.

Hmm. Do you ever arrange anything and invite them?

It's very hurtful, but I Would just make my own plans and if you are invited on a different day I would decline and if asked would just say that you have finally got the message that you're not really wanted.

Something similar happened with my husband's family years ago at Christmas. We'd asked if anyone would like to meet up over the Christmas holidays and do something together. No one got in touch but then we saw on Facebook that they'd all met up for a Christmas meal! I know that my husband found it quite hurtful but he didn't want to say anything. I would have, if it had been my family.

We just don't bother suggesting anything now.

You sound like a child and hard work, so I voted YABU as i would probably leave you out aswell
Maybe if you spent less time “kicking off” and more time taking like grown ups, you'd have a better relationship and be more welcome
I've totally missed anything like this in the op?..

I’d find this hurtful too and I’d be inclined to email his Mother back saying something along the lines of ‘that sounds great, looking forward to it!’ And sign it with his name so she knows it’s him rather than DB.

Not using the normal DF, SIL etc makes that annoying to read. YANBU though and you need to tackle your DM & Dsis about this.

Don't play games-.why would you wait it out to be hurt ? Confront them and tell them you received the email and it's clear that as per last year their intentions are the same. On that note, you know where you stand and don't expect a single thing from you or dh in future.

I never use the DIL/SIL things, don't bother if you don't want to

Just confront them and ask. You’re all grown up adults. Right?

Similar has happened with my DH.
His Mother treats him like a bank but doesn't bother with him much otherwise unless it suits her.
She makes a huge fuss about her DD and other DS birthdays but my DH is lucky to get a text message and Christmas she makes a fuss over our DD and DS but barely acknowledges DH's older DC especially the oldest one and we often aren't invited to anything unless she wants us to pay for her and the other family members to do something.
Also always claims they are a really close family too 🤔

I'm surprised nobody mentioned the c-word yet and the rule of 6/whether we'll be in lockdown or not...

I would maybe give them the chance "are you doing anything for Christmas? / Should we share a meal for Christmas ?"

It depends what your expectations are. If you wait and get 'proof, what are you going to do with it? Confront them and be ready to walk out?

Do you already have plans for Christmas?

I'd sit tight and let the realisation sink in that the email has gone to the wrong person. Let them stew. After that, I would just do my own thing for Christmas or indeed any occasion.

I think I would respond: "Hi Mum, if this was meant for us then audrey'smother and I would love to come to the pre-Xmas celebration, sounds so lovely, can't wait to celebrate with you all, what can we bring/contribute? We can bring along our gifts for everyone as well. Love, audreysmother'sDH"

How hurtful. I'd have to say something
Distance yourself, it's obvious where their priorities are
Awful behaviour from them

That was way harder to read than the normal acronyms, and I had to keep reminding myself that you meant your sister-in-law rather than son by DS etc. If you don't like them, just write the words out.

If I understand correctly, your sister-in-law and parents-in-law are planning meet ups with your brother-in-law but without you and your husband. So what to do about it depends on what the general relationship is like and what contact you normally have, and also what you want the actual outcome to be. I would definitely be encouraging your husband to contact his family and let him know he is hurt at being deliberately excluded again, but what happens after that really depends on whether you want to accept the fake invitation that will follow or not. I wouldn't encourage you to 'bide your time' because what more will you fnd out that you don't already know? You don't need further 'proof', you've got it. How you handle it depends on what you want to see happen, because it sounds really unlikely that they're all suddenly going to turn around and say 'oh, it's so true, we've been treating you unfairly for years, it will never happen again'. So does your husband actually want to go along to these events or cut contact? Because what's not going to happen is them cancelling the events or apologising.

I am your Dh in my family context.

It’s really hard to know your parents don’t feel the same about you as they do about your siblings. But that is unlikely to change, even if you confront them about it. As cathartic as it might be to feel vindicated it’s not going to make his parents treat him any better.

So how can your dh feel better? What would you actually like to do at Xmas? Can you make other plans with friends?

I would just calmly respond to his mother pointing out her mistake. And then try to focus on other things

Do you not have general conversations with your family about what people are doing? Particularly around Christmas? It wouldn't remotely bother me that other members of the family were getting together and not inviting me - because I'd be having other meetings/get togethers with them (and possibly not the whole family together) at other times.

This year "rule of 6" might be a genuine reason why they haven't invited you?