Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

OK, so basically the sister and brother had arranged to see their parents on xmas eve and ended p going out for a meal. You had arranged to see these same parents on boxing day. This all sounds absolutely fine.

You were ok with this until you realised they went out for a meal rather than ate in, then your dh 'kicked off'?

Now you want 'proof'? Proof of what exactly?

This is all very strange and confusing.

It probably shouldn’t be happening at all (covid) but objectively I would just do engage from them all. If I was in the situation I don’t think I’d be able to stop myself having a go at them all first though

@MaskingForIt

Maybe if you spent less time “kicking off” and more time taking like grown ups, you'd have a better relationship and be more welcome?

Yes, I suspect kicking off is why you are unwelcome. What do you hope to gain by this behavior?

And if they extended a guilty invitation once you had called them out, I would decline. I would not be attending somewhere me and my family were not wanted.

I'd be hurt too, especially as you already had the same conversation last year. Do you generally get on with/meet up with the rest of the family the rest of the year? If your MIL blamed you for last year, do you think the lack of invitation could be to do with you rather than your DH? (not that that would be justified, just trying to work out their reasoning),

That is such a horrible thing to have to deal with.In theory, I'd be absolutely blunt about it and say outright: The whole family is meeting up again for Christmas without inviting me. Have you any idea how cruel and hurtful this is? Can you explain why you are excluding me and my wife from such major family celebrations?

But in reality, I would, and have, quietly withdraw from family. Lower expectations to zero and when you do meet up make it clear to DSis and DB that you being ousted now means you will be very distant when parents get old and frail.

I remember a Christmas when all my family were around at my parents, everyone with a lovely bed made up for them. When I asked my mother where I was sleeping, she looked at me coldly and said, 'I thought you'd go home.' Home was a seven mile walk in the dark to a cold, empty flat. When I said I thought I was staying, she actually pointed under the dining room table and said, 'You can sleep there.' So I did. On the floor, surrounded by crumbs from the meal. Everyone thinks my mother is a sweet adorable woman. I keep my distance from her.

Families communicating by email - really

Could be any number of reasons, it's one thing inviting parents out and paying for them. Could it be their gift to parents??

Maybe DParents prefer to see grandchildren separately,

Any number of reasons so talk. DH needs to talk to his mum.

I may have misunderstood but seeing their daughter on Christmas Eve and then their son on Boxing Day seems fine to me. The son can book to go out for dinner his day, the same as the daughter did.

I also actually found it more confusing written this way than just saying SIL, etc.

I think that ultimately, people spend time with people that they want to spend time with. I understand that it is hurtful that they are all meeting up without you, but perhaps consider the reason for this. I have to admit that I also go and visit my PIL when my SIL is away because I find her, well, annoying a fuck. Sorry! Anyway, my advice is to let it go. Being a twat about it isn't going to change anything.

I wouldn’t ‘confront’ them but there’s no harm in being direct.

‘DM I think you’ve sent me this by accident. It looks like there are plans to gather on x date which I’ve not been invited to? This did happen last year so it’s hard for me not to feel hurt. I don’t really want an invitation now but wanted you to know this upsets me and I don’t understand why we aren’t usually invited. Have a good xmas.’

• annoying a fuck = annoying as fuck

OP, don't play silly games. Reply to the email with "Not sure you meant to send this to me".

You know they are meeting up without you. There's no 'proof' required, and what good is a Gotcha moment? You'll still be excludedand they'll be united against you by having been embarrassed in this way.

I must say that "kicking off" isn't an ideal way to handle a disagreement in a family. Is that sort of reaction a reason thery might not enjoy your company as much?

Act like you haven’t seen the email and invite them all to yours on that date.

They’ll be buggered then!

Kicking off never acceptable if you’re the IL, even if you’re right, they’ll just gang up on you more.

From the way I read it, OP, the most important point in your post is the one on which you don't want to elaborate. To be clear, I'm not asking you to, because I think it says everything necessary.

This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that [DH] was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

That's your issue. I suspect it has little to do with arrangements for Christmas or any belated COVID restrictions. It's about the Golden Child versus Scapegoat dynamic: a sadly common one within many families. If your DH fulfils the latter role and his siblings the former, then unfortunately nothing you can do is likely to change that dynamic. It's painful having to come to terms with this, but on the positive side it frees you from any false obligations. Were this me I would leave them to their games, because unfortunately this kind of childish, exclusionary behaviour is the sort of thing that makes some people happy. It also isn't my idea of a fun Christmas.

You know your in-laws better than I do, so please feel free to discard the next point I'm going to make. I'm a cynical woman: I've had to be because of certain shitty behaviour dished out to my DH by my own in-laws. But I don't believe for one minute that that email was sent by 'accident'.

@dolphinpose

That is such a horrible thing to have to deal with.In theory, I'd be absolutely blunt about it and say outright: The whole family is meeting up again for Christmas without inviting me. Have you any idea how cruel and hurtful this is? Can you explain why you are excluding me and my wife from such major family celebrations?

But in reality, I would, and have, quietly withdraw from family. Lower expectations to zero and when you do meet up make it clear to DSis and DB that you being ousted now means you will be very distant when parents get old and frail.

I remember a Christmas when all my family were around at my parents, everyone with a lovely bed made up for them. When I asked my mother where I was sleeping, she looked at me coldly and said, 'I thought you'd go home.' Home was a seven mile walk in the dark to a cold, empty flat. When I said I thought I was staying, she actually pointed under the dining room table and said, 'You can sleep there.' So I did. On the floor, surrounded by crumbs from the meal. Everyone thinks my mother is a sweet adorable woman. I keep my distance from her.

Crikey, that's awful! I think I'd have been inclined to get a taxi!

we were seeing DM/DD boxing day

So was Dsister and DB invited to Boxing Day? Is it not just that his sister, her family and DB see his parents Christmas Eve and your family goes on Boxing Day but you do different things? You can call Boxing Day 'us hosting post-Xmas with mum and dad' if you want.

Is it that DB goes or that it was in a restaurant?

When I asked my mother where I was sleeping, she looked at me coldly and said, 'I thought you'd go home.' Home was a seven mile walk in the dark to a cold, empty flat. When I said I thought I was staying, she actually pointed under the dining room table and said, 'You can sleep there.' So I did.

PP, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's just gratuitously, unnecessarily cruel.

I think YABVU - why do you have to meet with the ILs and family all together? Why not arrange your own separate event?

My DP has several siblings, sometimes they have events with parents with 2 or 3 siblings, rare to get all together. If we want to see siblings or parents we just arrange something ourselves. Actually more convenient to arrange for less ppl.

Sorry but if you've been "kicking off" as you say, then not surprised they have gone ahead without you. Get over it. Arrange your own thing.

something a little similar happened to me. I wasn't invited to a my sister's wedding. The reason given was numbers - keeping it v. small and intimate, the register office room booked could only take a tiny number. Fair enough, I thought - your wedding, you have it how you want. Except when I saw the photos on social media a fair few "next tier" relatives were there (eg cousins), as well as my other sister and her brand-new partner of just a few months.

I didn't confront my sister, but I have absolutely ensured that I matched my level of investment in our relationship to hers, and certainly haven't given a fig for "duty" type involvement. I see her and contact her only when it suits me.

Sorry the phrase 'Kicking off' was me writing, it was a summary of what happened. Basically DH messaged his sister asking about the events and why he wasn't invited, she said it was all coincidental they ended up together...(I will say he didn't act childish it was all very mature)
His sister than spoke to his mum and his mum started arguing saying that he's overreacting and no one had planned anything behind his back and he needs to stop thinking they did.

The background is just too hard to go through. But when I met DH I thought he had 'middle child syndrome' as he always felt like he was treated differently. I then witnessed it. It all came to a big head when his Aunt told him the real story of how the mum treated him differently because he's the reason the mum didn't leave the dad following an affair (found out she was pregnant). His parents agreed this was true but deny treating them differently.

I now notice it, and once when DH pointed something out his mum called me a cow, it was weird. DH used to be very close with his sister until she got married, no one in the family really likes the husband, especially his mum as his attitude towards her and the family is quite off. The brother is the one who has as little to do with everyone as possible and feels hard done by for some other reason.

DH's sister went back to work at the beginning of Lockdown 1.0 and that's when MIL began childcare at 3 days per week driving 2 hours there and 2 hours back. So sees her a lot. The BIL works shifts so if he ever works a weekend, his sister goes to the parents for the weekend (and once to us). DH's mum refers to sister as 'princess' never her name, so I guess that shows their bond.

We arranged to host Christmas this year but haven't actually been told if we are or not, but assumed this was because of COVID rules getting in the way.

I suppose the most obvious but silly example of different treatment is that SIL got married and MIL gave her x amount towards it. She promised us the same, when we got engaged she kept saying 'let me know when you want your amount'. We did ask multiple times but never got it. The money instead went to his brother who still isn't engaged or getting married any time soon and they said it was only fair to give all 3 children the same, despite never giving us any. Don't really know why but it's their money so we didn't bother confronting it.

Create the life you want don’t sit on the tail of someone else’s.

This with knobs on.

Over the years we have had similar issues with in-laws to wanting to know me, my own family excluding us for step-families. One thing I am proud of is that I wasted little time wallowing in how it made me feel. I felt sad, but then got on with my own life. Now, I am sort of grateful that I owe them nothing and spent the time and energy on my own nuclear family. Now that we are older and our DC are growing up, we are a very close nuclear family who share hobbies and interests and spend a lot of time hanging out together and with good friends. We don't need anyone else and we prefer it this way.

I would send an email back saying "I don't think you meant to send this to me. Hope you have a lovely time and have a great Christmas." Then I wouldn't engage with them in any conversation about it. Any offers to include you I would refuse politely and I would take a massive step back from them.

If it was me I would organise stuff to distract my DH with me and the DC. Show him that their loss = great time and loadsa fun with you and yours.

@smalalalalalala

I'm surprised nobody mentioned the c-word yet and the rule of 6/whether we'll be in lockdown or not...

I would maybe give them the chance "are you doing anything for Christmas? / Should we share a meal for Christmas ?"

It depends what your expectations are. If you wait and get 'proof, what are you going to do with it? Confront them and be ready to walk out?

Do you already have plans for Christmas?

They threw a birthday party recently during the 6 person rule with 20 people there. We showed up being told it was within the rule of 6 to find extended family there. We had to leave as DH's work would consider it gross misconduct.

We had to leave as DH's work would consider it gross misconduct.

Could this be why they haven't invited you? They think you are being too precious about sticking to safety guidelines(you're not!) and it makes them feel uncomfortable about ignoring them?

I would be hurt. I’d reply back to his mum and sister with a simple “I presume this wasn’t meant for me?” Then leave it and suggest NOTHING for over Xmas.

@Tiktaktoe

How do you know it was forwarded by accident?

because it had something in it like 'can you print this for me for Tuesday'.

His sister sends the mum a two-month time table every 2 months, and it's always printed and hanging up, so it's obvious what has happened We also don't care about their childcare arrangements so no reason to send it to us!