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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

235 replies

audreysmother · 12/11/2020 10:52

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 14/11/2020 11:39

BloggersBlog they said they didn't think we'd want to come. Tried to make out it was in our best interests not to be there when in reality we'd have enjoyed it. There's lots of things around last year we were left out of. Such as all the kids round for a long walk, including my sd, but my two weren't invited even though she knew I was at work and they were home alone, and I'd had all the children over myself multiple times in the year for sleep overs and days out while she worked, so sil was just as bad, it's never been reciprocated. They didn't want us there as my children aren't from this marriage, I'm not stupid, I know how they treat us. This year I've kept them all at arms length, polite kind but I don't just pop round anymore or invite them over. It's hard, play the lovely dil and sil when my husband needs me too to support him only

pollymere · 14/11/2020 11:53

Apart from the Lockdown situation (in which case report timetable anonymously to 101 😂).

I would blithely invite them for Christmas at yours...then when they say they're going to DS, invite yourself. "Oh, so we're doing it at there's this year? Great. We're really looking forward to it." Get your husband to do it so it's not you. I have hosted my DB after he's decided to visit hometown and be in an hotel up the road from me over Christmas... People are usually too polite to say no, and if the truth does come out, at least you know where you stand.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 14/11/2020 12:16

My family is like this. It's awful. The thing is they know they are doing it or why would they keep it a secret.

The thing is, they won't ever admit they are doing it. I've ranted and raved at mine, pulled them up calmly etc etc etc. Nothing works. They won't change and they won't ever admit it.

I've had to change my response to it, and I've pulled back massively as a result.

Cherrysoup · 14/11/2020 12:44

Why bother with all this stuff? Just get some some nice food and gifts and enjoy the break.

Have you no empathy? Relationships with family can be incredibly important/stressful and make or break how people cope with life.

I would need to know why I was again being excluded. I’d want a face to face to be told and if my mum said it’s a mistake, I would just turn and walk out. It’s not a mistake, it’s deliberate shitty behaviour.

MzHz · 14/11/2020 17:32

Superb post @CookieClub!

BloggersBlog · 14/11/2020 18:07

@cheninblanc

BloggersBlog they said they didn't think we'd want to come. Tried to make out it was in our best interests not to be there when in reality we'd have enjoyed it. There's lots of things around last year we were left out of. Such as all the kids round for a long walk, including my sd, but my two weren't invited even though she knew I was at work and they were home alone, and I'd had all the children over myself multiple times in the year for sleep overs and days out while she worked, so sil was just as bad, it's never been reciprocated. They didn't want us there as my children aren't from this marriage, I'm not stupid, I know how they treat us. This year I've kept them all at arms length, polite kind but I don't just pop round anymore or invite them over. It's hard, play the lovely dil and sil when my husband needs me too to support him only
Well done you, it sounds like you have done exactly the right thing Flowers
FelicisNox · 14/11/2020 18:43

This is the bottom line: the email was sent in error, you know this. You also know your DH is treated differently/unfairly compared to his siblings and as you can't force people to give you the relationship you want and deserve what you and DH need to do is the following:

  • act like adults (no kicking off) and email her back saying "Hi mum, you've sent this to the wrong person so you will want to send it again to X". Then leave it. If she contacts DH and claims it is for him he then has a choice; you can either style it out and go or you can say "thanks for the offer but we already have plans". That way he gets to hold his head up high and you can all go out as a family. If she acknowledges it's not for him but makes no offer to attend just leave it and say no more. At least he will have his dignity in tact and she will be cringing in the full knowledge that he knows for definite he is being left out.

  • discuss ways with DH that you can support him in moving on from this toxic family dynamic: be clear that you will support any relationship he does want but it's time to face the facts and build a more emotionally healthy life for himself and it may be he has to park them until they learn to treat him better because they will continue to abuse their position until he puts a stop to it.

It's time for him to say: I'm not in the market for confrontation but the fact is you've always treated me poorly and I'm done with it. It's nothing to do with my DW, I'm an adult and I choose not to be treated like an afterthought so kindly do not contact me again until you are prepared to have a sensible, healthy relationship. Thanks.

Then move on.

I've scrapped the entire maternal side of my family as they are toxic and treat me like garbage and it's wonderful, it's like a massive weight's been lifted.

justilou1 · 14/11/2020 22:58

TBH, I wouldn’t even phone them to wish them happy Christmas or New Year... I’d leave it until they realize that you’ve “forgotten”, or they want a withdrawal from the back of @audreysmother’s Mr, then I would send them the email chain and tell them that the bank was permanently closed due to obvious reasons.

LovelyIssues · 15/11/2020 21:47

I wouldn't stress too much OP. We'll more the likely be back in lockdown by then in which case they shouldn't be meeting up etc anyway. Leave them to it.

Eddielzzard · 16/11/2020 18:42

What have you decided to do?

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