Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

Either ignore and disengage or if you have the brass balls for this, show up to the gathering - what a time and a way to reveal you were included in the email. Though someone will clock that soon when Sis doesn't reply to the message and they trace it back ...

What's your DH's relationship like with his brother and sister? Does your DH ever make arrangements to meet up with his brother and sister separate from socialising with his parents. Does he speak to them regularly?

If the siblings all get on why don't they organise visits without the parents as it sounds as though the problems in how your DH has been and is being treated all stem from his parents.

Your poor DH. What a fucker of a situation to be in.

Now it's just possible that his mother has done that deliberately, as an added bolt of cruelty, but it could be a genuine mistake. However, she sounds awful - and yes, she doesn't want to be seen to be treating your DH differently, but she obviously is.

I agree with those saying just send it back with "I think you meant to send this to Sister" and nothing else. Then, if he's able to, he should think about going low contact/no contact with his parents, as his mother clearly can't be bothered with him.

I'm not really surprised that his sister and brother don't stick up for him either - it's all part of the conditioning. If you've ever read A Child Called It, it's deliberate ostracising of one child by the parent, who then gets the other children to collude with them by threatening them with the same treatment if they don't. It's AWFUL. .

Please get your DH to read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, and find some info on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) for him to read so that he can see that this is where he's placed now - trying to get affection from someone who isn't ever going to give it to him. :(

I'd make your own arrangements for Christmas without this bunch and cite Covid as the reason you're doing it differently this year.

I wouldn't tell them they sent it by mistake. Let them work it out for themselves. What us the point of fretting over these people. I'd not bother having much to do with them in future. They seem determined to exclude you. Let your DH do what he likes.

I think they are being pretty shitty.

It's not the meeting up with others at other times. That happens. It doesn't need to be a whole meet up every time.

But it's fairly clear your dhs relationship is not the same as his sisters and perhaps brothers. The money thing stinks.

But does he want from all this? He doesn't need evidence. He knows. They will never change. I would focus on the future and accept his parents are who they are. Sorry.

OP, this happened to me when I was younger. It took me years to realise that I am the scapegoat of the family, and then it took counselling to help me finally accept that I will never have the relationship I wanted with my father. In the end, I'm finally happy - but it is because I've changed not them. I have pulled away and see them rarely (about once every couple of months) and always at my own home rather than theirs.

I strongly recommend your DH gets some help. And when he talks about it to you always have it clear in your head that they will NEVER change so you don't get sucked in to planning how to try and make them change. They won't.

@PiperPiper20

Hmm. Do you ever arrange anything and invite them?

That crossed my mind passive people who expect everyone to organise everything in life irritate me no end.

@JillofTrades

Don't play games-.why would you wait it out to be hurt ? Confront them and tell them you received the email and it's clear that as per last year their intentions are the same. On that note, you know where you stand and don't expect a single thing from you or dh in future.

I'd go with this too. You're letting them know you're aware it's happening but making it clear you don't want a pity invite.

@RincewindsHat

I don't believe in letting people do crappy things and get away with it, so I'd probably forward the email to the lot of them and point out that this is the exact same thing they did last year and swore they didn't, tell them it's gaslighting and invite them to explain why they think this behaviour is acceptable. And wait for a response.

And they will never get the response they want. Only more pain and rejection.

As long as you give power to respond to 'the wrongdoing' which they will never acknowledge or change, you give them power over you.

People who gas light, can't be held to account in this way precisely because its about who has power and control.

He doesn't evidence, he just can't bear to accept it. Its shit, and it must be awful. But they're not going to say "yes son, we dont like you being a part of this family"

Either he accepts that they celebrate without him or requests an invite and goes even though they didn't ask him to.

What's it like when they're all together, do they talk to him or do they just leave you sat in the corner?

@LawnFever

‘DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day)’

So you knew they were meeting up but are annoyed they went for a meal? So from your perspective they’re only allowed to meet where? In the house? Not take photos? If you decided to go out on Boxing Day and post a picture on social media would your BIL kick off as well?

No - please read all the posts.

She had said they were seeing them to see the baby, which is not an issue even if they went for a meal. But she never mentioned that DH's dad would go, or that the brother and girlfriend were invited. To get a table for dinner on Christmas eve isn't a last minute thing, they booked months before and knew what they were doing when we asked, they lied.

I would bring up Christmas, and ask what her plans are.

When/if she lies, then you can say 'funny. I thought you were doing blah blah blah'.

And take it from there. She can't deny its being planned behind your backs since you know about it.

I think your OP was worded fine and I had no trouble understanding it. People have mentioned the OP and her husband arranging things... they’ve mentioned about Christmas so they do! Your DH is not wrong to be hurt. He could respond angrily but I don’t think he would get the response from them he wants. To be honest if it was me I would confront them and then just stop communicating with them. Or he could just do the latter. Anything he does is going to be hurtful to your husband which is the sad part

Well, isn't his mother lovely, blaming him for being born and holding a life long grudge against him for it.

She chose to have unprotected sex with her husband.
She chose to keep the pregnancy.
She chose to stay with the cheating husband.
She chose to blame the child instead of herself by the sounds of it.

Sounds like a Stately Homes tale.

Off on a tangent really but I'm not sure how or why she 'forwarded' the email as a response as she would need to type out the email address. Surely she would just click 'reply'? Otherwise its more complicated. Im not sure I buy it, maybe an accidentally on purpose scenario..

I think the backstop matters more than you are willing to recognize

Yes we always see instigate everything - writing this out loud makes me feel stupid.

We have been to SIL's house 10 times in the past year (2 hours away for us). She has been to ours once.
His Mum and Dad have been a few times since we moved into our new house. We invited them and had to book it in advance because of the annual leave situation.
BiL has invited everyone to where he lives except us, he doesn't call or text and neither does DH, their relationship is strained but no one except MIL talks to him to be honest.

I absolutely accept that family can see each other separately, we all do it with his family. However this was instead of Christmas Day (because they had decided to work) which was meant to be a whole family event. We just weren't included.

I've just read all your posts, the money thing says it all. I bet the siblings don't actually know you never got any money.

I think its clear it's time to give nothing and expect nothing from his family. Or decide to make attempts to build his relationship with his brother ignoring the parents and sister.

@RueRue

Off on a tangent really but I'm not sure how or why she 'forwarded' the email as a response as she would need to type out the email address. Surely she would just click 'reply'? Otherwise its more complicated. Im not sure I buy it, maybe an accidentally on purpose scenario..

I genuinely believe it was by mistake, it's hard to explain but I could see the correspondence explaining that her emails were messing up. She's also not that good with phones! In the chain it said how she needs it forwarded to her work computer so that she can use that printer etc. So I assume it was a typo in using the surname.

I 100% think it is an accident. I didn't even notice the issue at first as it is simply a calendar of childcare dates with who is where and when - the detail for Xmas eve is only there because it involves where the baby is on a normal childcare day.

YABU. You lost me when you said I kicked off
You could try growing up.

Or as someone rlse has suggested why don't you invite them instead of expecting to always be the guest?

Depending on Gov rules they may not be able to meet anyway - rule of 6, lockdown, no mixing indoors - who knows!

Contact them and ask them for solid confirmations for them coming to you for Christmas. Don’t mention the email and see what they say.

If they come up with excuses you know where you stand and personally I would rub them off my Christmas list. Not just because of this but from all the various things.

You and DH are never going to get anywhere with his family. Their priorities will not change now. All your DH can do is accept it. He is accused of "kicking off" if he asks about it, or gives his opinion.

It is cruel and nasty to leave one child out. His mother knows what she is doing. DH is the expendable one sadly.

Go low contact, build your own family up and leave them all to themselves. Anything other will be a detriment to you both

Oh sorry - you said the kicking off comment not his mum.

Have you got kids OP? It sounds like the Brother doesn't and the Sister only has a small baby.
If you do have kids then it might be that they don't want to have to adapt the arrangements for them? An adult meal with one baby is very different than one with other aged children around.
If not then I think the only answer has to be that you or your husband have done something to offend (or they've taken offence). Your husband could have a long heart to heart with one of his parents or siblings about this... the one he gets on with best? Maybe?