Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

Pretend your going to visit, when their big meal is planned.

@TitianaTitsling

Does dm know she sent you the email?

No, that’s what “unaware” means. I’d forget it and let them stew in their own juice.

Our family has this too - but slightly different.

DB's FIL has a disability so can't travel generally - especially for Christmas. So DB comes to my DM's house for Christmas Eve and drives to the other end of the country for family Christmas with inlaws - which usually pans out for all of Christmas week.

However, this year, DB and DW and their DS want to come with DM's this year which is nice.

I personally have always thought it should be one year off one year on - when I was married I did that.

Why are they doing this? It’s mean.

I think it's pointless confronting them about it. You did that last year and your upset fell on deaf ears. They clearly don't care about upsetting you as they're now doing it again. I'd be seeing none of them over Christmas, or any other time for that matter.

I’d just step away OP . Your husband has his nuclear family with you . Don’t waste time on people who don’t waste time on you .

@Xiaoxiong

I think I would respond: "Hi Mum, if this was meant for us then audrey'smother and I would love to come to the pre-Xmas celebration, sounds so lovely, can't wait to celebrate with you all, what can we bring/contribute? We can bring along our gifts for everyone as well. Love, audreysmother'sDH"

Yep, I like this!

I would reply all pointing out your mother's mistake clearly but politely and then I'd take a step back. I'd put them all on mute on the phone and hide posts on social media. I wouldn't block them completely but I'd go very low contact.

I would also disengage from providing care to my parents in law when they're frail instead referring them back to the favoured children. I bet you when your mother in law needs help in her old age you won't see your in laws for dust. They will appear at the end to claim their share of their inheritance.

This whole thing is daft.

The whole family doesn’t have to meet up each time. What’s the problem with smaller groups spending some time together? Just invite the parents out for a separate event with your immediate family sometime.

Be realistic. There aren’t going to be any big family get together this year anyway. So this whole drama is irrelevant.

I'd just ignore it.
They will wonder what's happening when they do not get a reply, then they will look to make sure it was sent, then realise their mistake, be embarrassed, but not change their behaviours.
Move on, look for 'family' meet ups elsewhere. Family you choose (friends) are often better.
That must really hurt, but as a PP suggests, they willl not change. You just need to decide your reaction. Being happy and busy elsewhere is probably the healthiest choice.

Is the issue with the sister here? I’m reading this as your husband’s sister being the instigator/organiser, not your MIL. Is there any backstory there which might explain it?

In this scenario I’m sad to say I am your DH. And not just with Christmas, all year round. I used to get so hurt and upset about it but now I just IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!!! Why let myself be upset by people who clearly don’t value me or want to spend time with me.

DH and I just do our own thing now, and have brilliant celebrations with our children who we love and know love us. It’s rubbish but what can you do? If they wanted you there you’d be invited, so clearly they don’t. I’m sure you will have a great Christmas regardless- view the positives and leave the negatives to do what they want to do! All the best

I'd remain quiet and wait and see. Because I'd need to know. If it happened again I would know I was being excluded as such.

How do you know it was forwarded by accident?

@MusicWithRocksIn1t

Similar has happened with my DH. His Mother treats him like a bank but doesn't bother with him much otherwise unless it suits her. She makes a huge fuss about her DD and other DS birthdays but my DH is lucky to get a text message and Christmas she makes a fuss over our DD and DS but barely acknowledges DH's older DC especially the oldest one and we often aren't invited to anything unless she wants us to pay for her and the other family members to do something. Also always claims they are a really close family too 🤔

Why does he allow this to happen ?

So your DH has 2 siblings.
Last year they all got together at Christmas. You were not invited.
Your DH mentioned his disappointment to his mother and was fobbed off.
This year you've been sent an email by mistake so how you know it's been planned again.

Who planned it? Your husband's sister? How close is your DH to her? How often does he initiate contact with her? Is she closer to the other brother? Does he make more effort?

You can either go nuclear and respond to the email with an "AGAIN, Really?" type of attitude - or just breezily say "got this by mistake, reminded me to ask you lot about Christmas, what are the plans then" and tag along.

Just reply saying I think you’ve sent this by accident to us instead of the others. Refuse all contact for a few months and then invite them to something later next year. Meanwhile invite some friends for the same day before Christmas so you cannot be persuaded into a pity invite and you can have something fun to take your mind off it.

Create the life you want don’t sit on the tail of someone else’s.

If this happens frequently then why would you want to spend time with them ?
I’d reply to the email saying she’s sent it to you by mistake but atleast you know where you stand now .
Leave it at that and walk away .

Ignore, ignore, ignore. No good will come of it. You can't make your parents treat you all the same. Plan a brilliant Christmas for yourself and your own family, and let them get on with whatever they choose to do. Probably you're too busy for anything they do bother invite you to anyway, right?

I wouldn't bother with them at all they sound like twats.

YANBU, this happens to my DH as well and I feel so sad for him.

They even did it on HIS 40th birthday (arranged a whole weekend away for themselves, and invited him/us just for a few hours).

They've already arranged to have Christmas celebrations all together this year - without us.

We just don't expect to be invited now and choose not to take it personally. If we kicked off we'd always think they are just inviting us out of a sense of obligation.

Have you tried to arrange anything and invite them? They obviously see each other throughout the year, do you make a regular effort to stay in touch?

Does your husbands DS see his DM more often because she's babysitting?

How incredibly hurtful.

For whatever reason you do seem to be deliberately excluded. How you respond now depends on what outcome you want and how you want to live your life. Do you ultimately want a happy fake family relationship where you can all smile and get together for family events knowing you are not wanted and ignoring the hurt? Or do you want to call them out on this, create open conflict and distance yourself from them all?

What I guess you can't achieve is what you want most - for them to see how unkindly they've been behaving and to apologise and love you as much your siblings. Sorry.

So, if you want to pretend it's all ok and not create a drama then either ignore the email altogether and never speak of it again and put up with being treated as an outcast, or act naive and assume you'll be invited. Hi DM Sis has sent me this email. I'm really excited to see there's going to be a family meet up. Are DW and I invited? Looking forward to seeing you x

If you want to call them out then just say it for what it is, and be prepared for the subsequent backlash and blame Hi Mum and Sis You sent me this email by mistake. I'm really hurt to see you're planning another Christmas meet up without including me and DW. I accept that you don't want to have the relationship with me and my family that you have with DS and DB so I won't be getting in touch with you any more to avoid further hurt.

Either way, leave your DW completely out of this. The email didn't come to her so she doesn't 'know' about it and this is YOUR family, YOUR decision and YOUR action to take.

(And for what it's worth I'd take the second option because sweeping it under the carpet leads to a lifetime more resentment, hurt and bitterness for you, your DW and your dc.)

I’d ignore and make your own plans, we do.

It will cause tensions between them anyway because the other in-laws will be thinking oh god we have to do the same thing every Christmas till one of us actually dies.

@JillofTrades

Don't play games-.why would you wait it out to be hurt ? Confront them and tell them you received the email and it's clear that as per last year their intentions are the same. On that note, you know where you stand and don't expect a single thing from you or dh in future.

This. I’d have to call them out on it as it’s clear they’re planning the same thing as last year.