Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

Honestly I’d just say it was confirmation of previous theories that he was treated differently and go L/NC.
Nobody needs that kind of toxicity in their lives.
Also, if DMIL ever called me a cow to DH, he absolutely wouldn’t let that go, what did yours do exactly?

might not be able top happen this year either

Best way to respond imo is to reply to his mum "you sent this to me by mistake, I'll forward it to X right away so your planning isn't delayed. Enjoy your get together, have a drink for me! I'll catch up with you in the new year"

And forward the email to the intended recipient with "hi X, mum sent this to me by mistake, I thought I'd best forward it so your planning isn't affected. Have fun, hope to catch up with you maybe after covid or something. Best wishes..."

Hopefully will leave them squirming but with nothing they can turn on him about!

Honestly, as someone who's husband has a similar dynamic, we have learnt over many years to just forget about it. Concentrate on your own family unit (yourselves and kids) or see your own extended family instead.

I would keep the email and when DM tries to make Christmas plans, I'd forward her to it and say in light of the below we won't be seeing each other this Christmas. It's up to DM to put right.

I'd play dumb, send an reply to all thanking them for the invitation and say you're looking forward to seeming them all on Christmas Eve.

I'd also tell them by email that the x amount they promised for your wedding would be really useful now as you're planning on doing Y, and provide your bank details.

Hopefully will leave them squirming but with nothing they can turn on him about!

They won't squirm. They won't really care. They will still find a way to blame the family scapegoat. That's the problem with trying to deal with toxic family dynamics - those involved don't respond in a normal way.

Definitely respond to the email, pointing out it was sent to the wrong address, your MIL should at least feel embarrassed . Don't get involved, let your husband deal with his family. It does look like they deliberately excluding you guys. I wouldnt bother with investigating/arguing. They don't want to get you involved, they might invite you after you raise it but what is the point? The fact they haven't done so on their own accord tells you everything you need to know

I think I’m misunderstanding but I don’t see anything wrong with your in-laws spending time with one of theirs children’s family to celebrate before Christmas? As long as they do something with you as well does it matter? You see them Boxing Day and DB sees them pre Christmas.

My parents spend Boxing Day with us and New Years with my brother I don’t care I’m not invited on New year and I’m pretty sure my DB isn’t bothered either.

passive people who expect everyone to organise everything in life irritate me no end.

I think that is spectacularly unfair. It's very clear from OP's posts there is a lot more to it than this.

Offering a hand-hold to anyone who'd like one and has been through this horrible, grossly unfair situation. My DH was once standing where OP's DH is now, and I was devastated for him. I feel for our DC too. I never stand in the way of the relationship between DH, DC and his mother: I couldn't if I wanted to as it's DH's family and his firm choice. But I don't visit. They treated me disgustingly when my DM died. Perhaps in time I could have forgiven that had they not done the same thing, 15 years later, when I was ill with an agonising uterine infection having suffered my third miscarriage. Continue putting myself in the way of that sort of thing and I really would be a mug. But it's becoming increasingly difficult to know what to say to DC when I'm asked why I don't go to Grandma's. Quite honestly, on DH's and DC's account if not my own, it breaks my fucking heart. (It breaks it too that DH has never openly stood up for me: it's the one sore point in my marriage which is otherwise happy).

I also recommend the wonderful Susan Forward, whose work I've found invaluable.

So sorry to anyone else in this unenviable position

What I would like to do is not mention anything and turn up on the evening that has been arranged and watch the reaction and how uncomfortable it makes everyone. What I would actually do is nothing at all and stop contact with them all and see how long it takes them to notice.

This is really sad to read.

I reckon you should tell your DH that he doesn't need more proof - that he is correct in thinking that his family leave him out and treat him differently. And that you and his aunts/uncles have observed this and agree it is true. Also, that this is not his fault, and doesn't reflect on him as a person, but that his family are very unlikely to change so unfortunately it is just something he will have to accept. He can then choose whether and how much contact to have with them, on his terms.

I think sometimes just accepting that you have been treated badly, and others have seen this, and you aren't going crazy, can be helpful.

I wonder if you or your DH would find the Stately Homes thread useful - support for/from people from families with this kind of dynamic:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4030633-September-2020-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread

Depends what outcome your dh wants.
What they’re doing is nasty and deliberately done to cause hurt, at least this year because they’ve already been confronted once.
My reply would be.
Think you sent this email by mistake and btw you can all f off.
Then I would block them.
Obviously you would have to be prepared to burn your boats.

I don't really understand any of this. We have had the year from hell, some people are just happy to be alive, others to have a job and a home.

Why bother with all this stuff? Just get some some nice food and gifts and enjoy the break.

I would personally go 'no contact' with that family, OP. I've learned from long, drawn-out bitter experience that once people have shown you that they don't care about you, it never changes - and there's no point having toxic, draining people in your lives. It's sad, but life is better without wasting energy on people who treat you like crap. I'm sorry for your DH, I hope he's ok. Enjoy your little family and put the others out of your mind.

Do you and DH have DC? If you don't I would be escaping at Christmas so you are away from all the drama. As mentioned upthread we both have toxic family set ups that are magnified at Christmas. I have spent so many Christmas Days feeling down and upset.

However, some of the best Christmases were when DH and I and DH, DC and I, called up family from our lovely hotel on a golden beach to say Merry Christmas and we got to see their faces which looked like a slapped arse. They didn't want us there, but didn't want us to enjoy ourselves either. It was a quick hello, then back to the pool and gala Christmas dinner.

Do you know for sure that it wasn’t meant for you ? The events may or may not go ahead from a guideline / legal view anyway depending on Covid rules . It sounds as though because of the closeness of initials on the computer keyboard you’ve taken the view it wasn’t meant for you .

Given you have received it it’s surely up to you to reply to the sender / organiser saying thankyou and indicating which event/s ( Covid permitting ) you intend to go to ( assuming you want to ) or apologise for having other plans and wish them well .
That’s what I’d do anyway . Yes I might feel hurt if the email truly was sent in error but I’d also smile at ‘ the potential chaos ‘ my reply might cause and just move on and have a damn good time myself with my own plans . Easy for me to say but not so easy to do for some I imagine .

Haven't read many PP but what about the restriction on numbers of people meeting indoors? Because of COVID? 50,000 people in UK have died. Stay away from other people if you can.

I can only echo others who say that there is no happy ending here. I don't think I've ever read a post which was a clearer reflection of my own family and it was incredibly hard to read.

Without going into too many details, I know that children who are ignored or less-favoured can grow up to be adults who desperately want to be close to their parents, and for the parents to approve of them. They often think "If I could just make them see how this affects me then everything would change" but it just isn't true.

They know what they are doing and they do it on purpose. They are deliberately leaving your husband out and telling lies about it. They aren't being thoughtless or careless, this is what they set out to do. They may not have meant to get caught out , but enough pictures were put on Instagram last time for them to be sure that you would all find out afterwards, and they still put them up.

Honestly, I think a quiet and dignified withdrawal is the best thing. Say you have decided to cancel hosting Christmas because of covid. Christmas is a time to surround yourself with love- you don't need them for that. In fact, they will prevent it. Unfollow them on everything, seeing them having a great time without you can only hurt you. Turn away from them and towards a kinder future without their rejection.

@randomer when it happens to you it’s really hurtful and nice food and gifts don’t really cut it.

One thing I did not see in the comments is that it is early days. Perhaps the meeting is already arranged between MIL (sorry) and Sister but not with the wider family. So if it were me, I would wait a couple of more weeks to see if you would still get an invite.
I don´t think sending the mail back will make a change if they are really that cold. From reading your interactions, I think anything you and your husband say will be taken as being dramatic. So personally I would do nothing for the moment, wait to see if you still get an invite closer to the date (or perhaps neutrally check if they are getting together) and only then take action by cancelling Xmas.

Having read all your posts OP but not the full thread, I think it's evident that DH is treated differently. Either the family are aware of the way they behave or they're not. Some people can really lack insight, which is no excuse but is a barrier to change. I suppose what you've got to decide is, is this worth pointing out again? Repeatedly being exposed to the same behaviours must be frustrating. Are they likely to change? Seems to me a quiet withdrawal might be best for you and DH, let them get on with it.

@Oreservoir, then I would respectfully suggest it is an opportunity to revaluate the whole Christmas thing? Scale it down and be a little selfish.

When you start talking about family relationships in terms of 'finding proof' then it's time to take a step back. They don't need to invite you. You've said your BIL and your DH have a strained relationship so the family have obviously decided to see them separately. That's a reasonable response to a difficult relationship. What isn't reasonable imo is you and your DH trying to gather 'proof' and feeding your feeling of being wronged because you're not invited to an event. Is your DH the middle child?

I think you can't change other people's behavior, you can only change how you respond to it. Work on your boundaries with them.

^^ THIS.

I've had similar in my own family without any big backstory there is here - I've asked on occasions and been given reasons which sometime I can just about see other times seem ludicrous.

I have tried to arrange things and have invited them to things - got nowhere but talk regularly on phone and unlike here I'm pretty sure I'm loved so don't really get the behavior. Everyone seems happier to blame distance now we do live some considerable distance away again.