Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

I think you can't change other people's behavior, you can only change how you respond to it. Work on your boundaries with them.

Your update clinches it I'm afraid. They don't only want to exclude you, they want to rub it in your face that you're excluding you by making grand gestures that they intend for you to notice. Don't confront them, or give the impression you are upset, or you will have given them exactly what they wanted.

I'm sorry OP, it hurts and this sucks. But there are some problems you simply can't fix. I'd go ahead and build your happiest life and keep them at a distance. Unfortunately it's taken both DH and me many years before reaching this state of equilibrium or recognising that the hope of any form of positive resolution was always a completely empty one. People like this don't change.

We arranged to host Christmas this year but haven't actually been told if we are or not, but assumed this was because of COVID rules getting in the way.

This jumped out at me from your previous post OP. Take control of this situation today and decide if you both want to host, not if they are going to allow you to host! The rest of the family can only treat you like shit if you allow it.

Hang on, so the issue is that your parents in law went for a Christmas meal with your brother and sister in law and their baby? No other siblings invited so just one couple spending time with another couple? I really don’t see the issue unless they are constantly refusing to do the same with you and your husband?

What’s the real issue here? Is it that the parents in law were likely to have paid for the meal? Is it that you and your husband feel less important now there is a baby on the scene?

@PrivateD00r

OK, so basically the sister and brother had arranged to see their parents on xmas eve and ended p going out for a meal. You had arranged to see these same parents on boxing day. This all sounds absolutely fine.

You were ok with this until you realised they went out for a meal rather than ate in, then your dh 'kicked off'?

Now you want 'proof'? Proof of what exactly?

This is all very strange and confusing.

No.

We had seen DH's mum and asked what was happening around Christmas. His parents were working Christmas day, so said we'd all see each other boxing day.

We asked what the brother was doing - she said 'we don't know, you know what he's like he never communicates' or something like that.

Then we saw they all planned to go for a Christmas meal on Christmas Eve and their family's Christmas celebrations / present exchanging etc. DH found out through Instagram. We were in bed on Christmas Eve watching films as had nothing else to do!

They drive two hours to do child care !??? how old are they - it sounds exhausting

If it was just because of that link ( child care and a special thank you ? ) and you were meeting up another day then perhaps i could understand it .

But to do it again behind your back does sound hurtful .

unfortunately if you say anything i bet they will use Covid as an excuse - even though they are willing to host parties for 20 ( ridiculous)

Also its the sister organising it not the mother ? If the other brother was not invited i could understand because perhaps it is a thank you for childminding - but for the other brother as well ? thats just mean .

I was going to suggest maybe the fact they see each other frequently because of the childcare means they are just a bit closer. But...

I think the fact they gave his sister money for a wedding and his single brother the same money but not you, shows they do treat him differently.

Plus the fact that he feels they have always treated him differently and family have backed it up.

He can ask about it now, he can wait til its happened but they are likely to deny it and that leaves him in the same position. Hey are NOT going to come out and say 'yes son we have seen the error of our ways, it wasn't fair, and the way we have treated you for years isnt fair now you come to think of it so let's try and work on improving our relationship'. They either cant see it or dont want to see it.

In my opinion he should work on himself and acceptance (possibly with the help of therapy) that he is never going to have the relationship he wants with them. He needs to stop trying as the constant rejection will be hard to bear. He should to keeping the relationship with family that he does need to maintain like his sister or wider family but he needs to take a step back from his parents for his own sanity.

You don't need proof as you know what's happening already.

YANBU to be upset, but they are NBU not to invite you if they don't want you there. No one is obliged to view all their family members equally, or to spend equal amounts of time with each relative. It certainly isn't a reflection on you - it's just the way life is. Try to forget about them and concentrate on enjoying Christmas without them. You will only feel worse if you analyse the situation and brood on it.

I wouldn't lower myself by confronting them about this. At this point, why would you even want to invited? It's clear they don't want you there, and I think it's clear your MIL is not fond of you at all. Forget them and make your own plans.

@Trousersareoverrated

Hang on, so the issue is that your parents in law went for a Christmas meal with your brother and sister in law and their baby? No other siblings invited so just one couple spending time with another couple? I really don’t see the issue unless they are constantly refusing to do the same with you and your husband?

What’s the real issue here? Is it that the parents in law were likely to have paid for the meal? Is it that you and your husband feel less important now there is a baby on the scene?

No, every single person in the immediate family was invited except DH and me.

His mum
His dad
His family dog
His brother
Brother's girlfriend
Sister's Husband
Sister
Neice

Also I suppose this is something I know that no one else here does, the dad hates socialising, so often the mum will attend things and the dad will stay back at work (they both work together running a business but not their business). When the dad also comes it means they have purposefully booked leave at least MONTHS in advance (I can't explain why without giving away their jobs which are very outing) and that it is a big family event as the dad doesn't care enough.

You could forward the email to them first thing Christmas morning, they'd not be able to back out of that one. But your Christmas might get ruined.

TBH you don't need proof, you already KNOW. They won't acknowledge it, or not enough to give you closure and nothing will change as a result.

Best outcome I think is to accept this is how they are and go LC.

I think I'd send a one-liner: "Hi, I think this message was meant for (brother's name)" and leave it at that. And then make other plans with people who are nice to you without needing to be asked.

I suppose what DH wants out of this is evidence for once that they are doing this to him.

I can only really equate it to gas lighting. He feels something and experiences something to only be told he's wrong, he then gets a bit confused and upset. He recently went to therapy for it. This is evidence and I suppose he wants them to undeniably have to accept what they've done.

If he confronts now they can easily come up with an excuse or say they were going to invite him.

Just reply with I think you sent this to me by mistake. Tell your DH to put nothing else. If they mention Christmas to you again just say no worries, I know you've sorted your plans out mum and that's fine. Do not go over there on Boxing Day.

Then make the most excellent Christmas plans ever. Could you rent a cottage somewhere? Get well away, perhaps somewhere by the seaside.?

The other alternative is for him to write down all the reasons that he feels as he does, work out which ones are absolutely concrete and nonemotional, and share it with his mum. But that will probably lead to unrest.

This is a really horrible situation for you to be in, and absolutely awful for your husband

This is evidence and I suppose he wants them to undeniably have to accept what they've done.

Your husband needs to come to grips with the fact that this is never, ever going to happen.

‘DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day)’

So you knew they were meeting up but are annoyed they went for a meal? So from your perspective they’re only allowed to meet where? In the house? Not take photos? If you decided to go out on Boxing Day and post a picture on social media would your BIL kick off as well?

Your dh doesn't need any more evidence that he is treated differently, it is all there.

He will never get his family to change the way that they behave towards them. It's too ingrained. All he can do is take a step back, readjust his expectations and concentrate on the people who love him and want to be with him.

And no need to make any drama - this will all just be seen as him being difficult. His family have written the narrative, all your dh can do is leave them to it.

Honestly, if all this is going on as you say, why are you engaging in the drama and letting them get to you both?

Just get on with life and make the most of what you have rather than worrying about people who are spiteful and want to get a rise out of it. Are they really worth it? Are those the people you want to spend Christmas with?

Make a point of saying 'I'm going to have a brilliant christmas in a different way' and turn it into a positive that they might have preferred.

Don't give them the power.

DH has been through this and actually given how much hard work his parents are (by his siblings joint acknowledgement - not just his opinion), its a bit of a relief to be bottom of the pecking order on certain things. He won't be the one with the responsibility for their care or estate when the time comes (we have my parents to worry about as it is).

Last year we spent Christmas with friends. It was SO much better and tbh our friends all said that they much prefered it to the stress of a family christmas, instead doing things with them on different days on terms that worked for them all better. It mean relationships all around have been better and everyone was happier over christmas. The pressure to do Christmas with family, is somewhat over rated.

Life is too short.

He doesn’t need evidence. This isn’t a court room! There’s no prizes to be won for being right. They’ve quite clearly decide to ostracise him. You cannot control other people’s thoughts or behaviour, you can only control your own. You are giving these people rent free space inside your heads. It’s shit and it hurts and I’m going through similar (google triangulation). They will not act any differently and you cannot make them do so. Invest in your own lives. Move away. Spend time with other family. Don’t make arrangements with people who don’t value you. Become unavailable and increase your own self esteem. Offer no explanations. Stop reading their social media. Block them out and only see them when it suits you.

I can’t help feeling that by the time you’re grown adults with your own families it’s acceptable for your parents to enjoy one siblings company more than another’s.

Maybe they enjoy spending time with you less. You’re not 10 years old it’s not about being fair and equal all the time. You’re all adults, you’re allowed to express this and see who you want to see. The way I see it you have 2 choices, force the issue and make everyone awkward or get on with it and live your own lives.

As an adult I don’t particularly like my DF, he knows this. I see my DM much more.

I don't believe in letting people do crappy things and get away with it, so I'd probably forward the email to the lot of them and point out that this is the exact same thing they did last year and swore they didn't, tell them it's gaslighting and invite them to explain why they think this behaviour is acceptable. And wait for a response.

Sunshineboo agree with you

Would reply very casually saying you have sent this to me in error.

They are not going to suddenly change or notice anything and you will always be blamed. I had similar dynamics with my ILs and when my DH confronted them they blamed me too....