Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

Do you think it's possible that your husband is the son of the man his mother had the affair with and not his 'father' (ie that the siblings have different fathers) and that's why he is being treated differently?

To those saying ‘what’s the problem with the parents spending time with their children’...nothing, but when it’s both of your siblings and their families/partners and only you aren’t ever invited, you’d start to get a complex. This man and his family are being excluded on purpose. Some people may think they would just be casual about that, but many wouldn’t. My DH’s family are very like this and we learn a long time ago to just get on with what we are doing as a family unit, because no matter what we did to try and include ourselves, they never made the effort. It does hurt and it’s not right, but honestly you’re doing yourselves more harm by giving it time and energy. I personally wouldn’t say a thing, and see if they trip themselves up at a later point. But I would just go NC altogether if it were me. Let them see how little they try to interact.

They will never see how cruel they are. Your husband needs to give up on that and focus on boundaries from them. Therapy can help a lot. I would cut them out as much as possible and focus on your own family and friends.

He doesn't need evidence, one of the beauties of being an adult is being allowed to disengage from toxic relationships without needing to show any proof.

He can look for evidence and fight it and he will NEVER win and they will never admit it. Cognitive dissonance is real. Best off putting your energy into something that will make you happy because this is going to do the exact opposite.

I speak from a very similar position. FIL has little to no interest in my children, yet drives past our house every Saturday to babysit his step-grandkids.

Icing on the cake was when they forgot my youngests birthday and shoved a post it note in my eldests birthday card (2 weeks between them) apologising and promising a double Xmas and birthday present. I can't imagine the other grandkids recieving that treatment but hey ho. Let's hope the other kids are involved in the nursing home choosing process, huh. I'm certainly not going to be wiping any arses. Let them make their own beds op.

@Meatshake - that's pretty much how I feel. I take the seat nearest the back when it comes to helping my parents out in their old age. Because not once did they have my DC overnight, and they babysat them about five times in their entire lives, despite living near by and knowing I was seriously ill with exhaustion and PND due to DS2's severe illnesses. But they helped DSis raise her child and took DBro's DC off on holiday. Just my DC who were invisible. So I'm less inclined to sort out their hoarder tendencies and endless hospital appointments for them in their old age. Still do it, but not nearly as often as I would if they'd been loving.

I recommend either a self help book or counselling to unpick his childhood and then try to move forward. Your DH should concentrate on his own nuclear family and live his best life surrounding himself with love and good friends. By all means still keep in touch with his family but only on his terms.

Oops First half of my post has disappeared but along the lines of... must be very hurtful for your DH but he can't change his families behaviour only how he reacts to it. Disengage, seek help though self help book or counselling, live his best life with your own family.

Just cut them off. I hope you don't buy them presents. If lockdown is still on report them. They sound horrible.

For your DH to be in therapy clearly there are deep rooted issues that his family are actively ignoring. If they don’t want to acknowledge the problem or try to change, what can you do?! Continuing to face rejection and hear about get-togethers that you haven’t been invited to, isn’t good for either of you. I really feel for your DH. For your DH sake, I would be considering putting some distance between you all.

He needs time to heal and I don’t believe it’s worth subjecting yourself to that kind of treatment for the sake of “family ties” I’m all for forgiveness but that can only happen if his family acknowledge what they’re actually doing.

I think DH should not engage with his family. Make arrangements for Christmas and New Year without involving any of them. If they do contact him, he can say quite frankly that he and you already have plans, without elaborating what they are. I agree that he needs distance and time to continue his therapy and come to terms with this extremely hurtful rejection.

And it’s looking increasingly likely that families won’t be allowed to gather in groups over Christmas so it won’t be questioned, and I wouldn’t be buying them any presents either. Buy yourselves something instead.

Not to sound nasty but at you sure it’s not a problem they’ve got with you creating this dynamic?
I have a similar set up in my family, Christmas was always done with my grandma, my mam, my auntie and uncle, other auntie and her partner and then my uncle knobhead. Also siblings and my cousins, now me and my cousins have kids and the set up is still the same. Or it was until last year when my mams partner decided to name call my aunties, now my mother isn’t included as they don’t want him there. The rest of us still get together but it’s awkward for me now as I’m made to chose.

It does sound a bit odd. What would be the reason for excluding you and your DH? Do you all get on when your together?

Your DH is the scapegoat of the family and you’re right they are gaslighting him. His mum would have been doing this to him for years. If he hasn’t already your DH should read up on narcissistic mothers, I suspect he may find a lot of parallels.

You already have validation that your DH is treated differently through the email, your experiences and your aunt. Confrontation will only bring about more dismissal and gaslighting. Your DH needs to heal and learn to trust his instincts again. The counselling should help him.

He also needs time to figure out if he wants to keep seeing these people. It’s not an easy decision to make especially if you’re in FOG (fear, obligation & guilt). I’m glad he has your support OP that will help enormously. I would suggest reducing contact so your DH has time to process things and think about what he wants to do.

Have the husband speak to his sister and ask if he can join.

Same happened to us last year, we'd invited my husband brother over and he declined. Then discovered the whole family had been out, two brothers, mil, kids etc. Never again will they be invited here at Xmas and they know it. Politely like an adult i told them I knew.

See I would have to reply with thanks for the invite but we already have plans. Then I'd book a week away somewhere over Christmas

@cheninblanc 😳 that must have been so upsetting! How did they respond when they knew you knew?

While I agree he doesn't need evidence to make decisions, I think just going NC would leave it quite ambiguous.

• Issue a specific invite for the date and time of this meal (will probably need to be at your house because I can't see restaurants being able to host large groups).

• If they decline then go to the restaurant for a meal at they exact time they do (I'd book it now to be sure of a spot).

If they really would like about what they are doing to avoid inviting you then the situation is quite clear to everyone. If that doesn't happen then I would assume the past has been thoughtlessness and I would put energy into building the relationships back up.

It sounds like the DS is the driver here. Either she has an issue with your DH, or she feels he is in a different category because he is married. Looking at it from the sister's perspective, she may feel that the people she most wants to see are her parents. You can not-see your grown siblings at Christmas but but can't not-see your parents. Plus it sounds like she has a close relationship with them. So a Christmas get together with the parents is an absolute requirement. The brother sounds like he doesn't have a partner and doesn't live here, so if he will be alone if they don't invite him too. Plus he may be staying with the parents and come as a package with them.

So I'm thinking this was just meant to be Xmas with grandparents last year and the brother was a hanger-on. And they are planning the same this year because covid, with the sister thinking you and DH are ok because you have each other.

I can't think of any other explanation for behaving so hurtfully. Either the sister wants to hurt your DH because (backstory) or she has hurt him accidentally by being a bit self-absorbed and not being proactive in thinking about his feelings.

I would try to put a charitable construction on it and not let it eat away at DH.

What a horrible to treat family - YANBU to be put out/upset by this.
Personally, while I'd want to respond with a dignified silence I'd have to speak to them about it.
I'm so sorry OP. How utterly rubbish

@TimeIhadaNameChange

I'd play dumb, send an reply to all thanking them for the invitation and say you're looking forward to seeming them all on Christmas Eve.

I'd also tell them by email that the x amount they promised for your wedding would be really useful now as you're planning on doing Y, and provide your bank details.

This.

Okay. I've read the majority of posts and it seems to me like you're desperately trying to force a relationship which is actually pretty toxic and fake.

You sound like, on one hand, you don't want to be involved (you talk of not liking the BIL) but then, on the other hand, you desperately do want to be included and are jealous when you're not.

Honestly, my suggestion would be focus on YOUR little family unit. Step away from social media, don't rise to the feelings of bitterness, jealousy etc as it'll just eat away at you.

You mentioned watching films in bed on xmas eve, but actually that in itself is PERFECT if you are content with that.
It sounds to me like you're unhappy deep down and almost trying to pin the blame on DH and his family issues and make them your own.

You're talking of gaslighting, but then you're actually adding fuel to the fire by getting worked up about this whole situation and probably causing DH to push them further away for an easy life.

I apologise if I sound harsh, I am not meaning to. I do totally get it, we had years and years of crap with my DH family..but you know what, a turning point was when I actually stopped caring. I stopped feeling angry and left out and jealous, I realised I didn't actually WANT to be around them..it was just FOMO....and I've totally made my peace with that.

This year, Covid regs make things tricky (or ideal, depending how you look at it) to keep your distance anyway.....and it sounds like the In laws are their childcare/support bubble? So they don't seem to be doing anything untoward.
Plus you mention your DH being outed for gross misconduct, so that is probably part of the reason too.

Make you peace with the situation, it will eat away at you.
Focus on the family the do matter, friends etc. It's never too late to build bridges, but I think expecting to be included in everything is unfair...people gather, people meet....the ISSUE these days is social media hilights everyones best bits and, if people are feeling down, seeing those posts can really feel like you're having your face rubbed in it.

Wouldn't it be nice if people could get together, have a lovely time, take photos for personal viewing and NOT declare it all to their facebook and insta followers..... [ grin]

Families hey, you can’t choose them. I’d be relieved not to be invited and enjoy your time with people who value you And want to be around you.

I would ignore but book a table at the same restaurant an hour earlier.... when they walk in give them a copy of the email, leave and go no contact. Block them on everything, and leave them to enjoy their meal. Sounds like the mum is prioritising the other son? The daughter goes along with it so is included. Whatever the reason I wouldn’t be putting myself in the position to keep getting hurt(but I would want to ‘win’ tbh, yes I’m petty)

Permanent Bank Holiday from now on. Bank of MR @audreysmother is Closed.