What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

1. I love my job (really key I think)

1. I have friends who were stay at home for a decade and found it really hard to enter the job market again when they were ready to. I worked so hard to get to where I am that I thought it would be silly to waste that

1. I wanted to set a good example to my daughter - I want her to know she can be a breadwinner and see it done

1. I think it is important to be my own person and not have motherhood as my entire identity. I absolutely love being a mum and throw myself into it but at the same time I've seen my own mum and friends lose their identity and become all consumed by their kids and it isn't healthy imo

1. Financially we are so so much better off with me working (also key)

1. I am in a very stable relationship but do not ever want to be wholly reliant on a man as I've seen it work negatively for a lot of women. Independence of some kind is so important

Personally, I'm in a job that i love and find incredibly fulfilling, and I'm the higher earner, so I went back to work after 4 months, my husband took the rest of our shared leave and then went part time. So it was an easy decision for us.

In your situation, i would probably stay home. BUT you need to consider the following:

1. Your son will eventually benefit from nursery, especially if playgroups etc stay shut for the foreseeable
2. Your earning potential will decrease if you take a career gap, and you may struggle to get back into work when you do wish to return.
3. You will be vulnerable. I know it's not nice to plan for worst case scenarios, and you don't need to hang your whole choice on it, but it is worth considering. At the very least, you need...

-full access to a joint account for all household expenses -an amount of money for yourself each month, or the agreement that you can use the joint account for personal purchases -a pension. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE. You must pay into a pension, and a life insurance policy.

There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM. It is, however, a decision that will leave you vulnerable. You need to go into it with your eyes open, and mitigate as much risk as you can. Your husband's responses to the financial aspect of this will be very telling, and i would suggest that if he seems reluctuant, you continue working.

ALSO if you do choose to work, childcare costs should be shared by both parents, proportional to income, not 50/50.

God that was an essay. Hope that helps.

The need to pay the mortgage

Keeping my career and pension on track

Being bored spending all day with a baby.

Money
Using my brain
Chatting to work mates
Feeling useful
Found mat leave a bit boring and lonely tbh

Money.

Money
Talking to adults about something other than babies.
Make sure I have some form of independence from DH. You never know what life will bring in years to come! I thought it would be best to keep up my skills even if only part time and I’m glad I went back. DS also got a lot more independent and came out of his shell being away from me a few hours a week.

I was in the same boat and chose to give up work until the youngest was in school. The trade off is that I can only really do minimal wage, work around school hours, type of jobs now, but that suits us. My husband earns enough to pay the bills and I'm on hand to look after the children if they're ill and we don't need to rely on childminders or after school clubs. The other downside is that I would be more financially vulnerable if we divorced but to me, it's worth it to be at home with the children. Being a sahm isn't for everyone but I've managed to build a good network of friends so I don't miss the adult company.

Is your job the type you could go back to easily in a year or two? It sounds as though your husband is supportive but you'd need to work out how the finances will work if you give up work. Eg joint account access, spending decisions etc.

Using my brain
Keeping sane
Being a good role model for my children
I enjoy my job
Financial security for our family (I am the main earner)

DH went part time which helps.

A question I forgot to ask....

If you’ve gone back, how long for?
Mine would be 3 days per week 9-5 which feels so long but I preferred to do this than 4 shorter days.

I really enjoy my job and we needed the money. I went back 3 days per week and enjoyed the variety.

In your position, I'd probably have stayed at home but worked on a plan for what I wanted to do when ds was a bit older - it's easy to drift and years out of work do affect your employability. Also consider things like your personal financial security including your pension.

Babies don't need to go to nursery for socialisation so don't worry about that, but if you feel that the time to yourself would be good for you then one day a week is a good idea (although you might find it take longer for him to settle if there's a full week between him going).

Don't feel you must do anything - it sounds like you've got choices, so make those choices based on what's best for you.

I’m in a similar position with a lockdown baby who cosleeps and contact naps.

The logistics worry me, but I’m already a tiny bit excited to go back to work (in a non-Covid safe environment with no PPE, when I’ve not so much as been in Tesco since March).

Frankly, I need to be able to feel useful as a functioning human again and not just a milk machine. Husband has been wfh and we’ve been on top of each other the whole time.

Also, we’ve just taken on a huge new mortgage and we’ll need the money, but it’s not really about that. I don’t want to have nothing to talk about but baby stuff. I’m not sure how differently I’d feel if maternity leave had been full of socialising and if I’d been able to see family and have support (family absolutely not being careful so I’ve not been comfortable using them for informal childcare or even really visiting them).

I want my child to socialise with other children and learn things at nursery that I can’t do with them. Also, I want us to have nice things, go on nice holidays, keep 2 cars etc.

For us,
I like my job and had things I wanted to achieve in that respect
I wasn't well suited to being a SAHP
DH and I have never wanted a breadwinner and SAHP dynamic unless circumstances dictated it
I wanted to keep my pension contributions up and keep some financial independence

Mat leave was short (14 weeks) then, I added a month unpaid to that. But I was very ready to see adults again. Dd settles very well into Creche. I loved my job. DH was very supportive and hands-on, and we shared drop/collect responsibilities and covering sick days. Work we’re supportive of me pumping on breaks (dd was still mostly bf or expressed bottles still at that stage but we had some formula too).

My wages were almost gone on Creche fees, but not entirely. I got a chance to do a paid masters when dd was 9mths old through work and that helped financially (it also involved promotion) - there were a number of parents from actually pg up to 5yo in our class, as well as a few parents of teens so that helped as we worked it out together.

I love dd dearly but being a SAHM would really not have suited me. And while both DM and DMIL had been SAHM in their time, the only example near my age was a DAunt who had gone back shortly before me after her 2nd, and generally people at work came back too.

So it never really occurred to me not to. We could have made finances work on DH salary, just about. But it would have been serious scrimping and, I liked my job so, it really didn’t come up.

I preferred eating and paying rent to not doing those things. Tough decision alright.

I like working and I like having the extra money from us both working.

We both work four days a week, which feels like a lovely balance for us both - if I didn't work DH would have to work full-time, which feels unfair. I don't want my children to grow up in a house where men have careers and women don't, or where mum is the 'main parent'.

It wouldn't be financially viable for me to never work again. Given I'll be working in ten years' time whatever, I don't particular want that to be in the sort of jobs that women I know who had long periods out of the workforce found themselves doing.

I could list others, but really it's all down to point one. If neither of those are true for you then clearly you're going to be making the decision from a very different position than I was, and so I'm not sure how relevant my decision is to you!

Also, husband did offer that we could make it work to stay at home if I wanted (after I cried after visiting a nursery).

But I know he married me because I was a strong, independent woman and my career is part of my identity. The luxury of having the choice (well, we’d not be moving house and would be relatively skint, but at least it was an option) helped me see I didn’t actually want to stay at home.

It’s good to keep your independence and pensions and all that jazz.

Now, how to work the logistics and not catch Covid at work...

Going back to work is scary but reasonably risk free for you right now - why not try it for 6 months and if you still prefer to be home you can quit then?

Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us

Wouldn’t it? Especially for you...

Yes in the short term it may feel like you are only working to pay nursery.

But in 4 years your son will be at school and you’ll have a sudden, massive increase in income flow.

Also your pension. Keeping working means employer contributions, which means a big jump in retirement income.

If you give up work completely, it can be very, very hard to get back into the work place. It is unlikely you’ll get back at the same level you are now, and also that you’ll find a job with flexible hours. You nearly always have to accept full time and them negotiate part time or flexible working once you’ve been in post a while.

Your job has already accepted part time. You say you’ll use nursery 1 day a week- that can actually be quite disruptive as it’s too long between sessions at that age. 3 days is perfect as they are more settled.

One thing I would point out is that it's usually much easier to go part-time in an existing job than to find a new part-time job at the same level. Not always true, dependent on sector, etc. but it's worth considering if you think it might be true for you.

My husband had depression so I agreed to shared parental leave with him so he could have a break from the office environment. I went back full time when my son was 11 weeks old.

While off, he managed to learn a new skill, and now has a successful business.

Also, if I hadn't gone back I wouldn't have been enrolled to do a professional qualification, so it all worked out really well for us in the end.

@LividLaughLurve

Now, how to work the logistics and not catch Covid at work...

Urgh, yes, there is that to think of isn’t there.

But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

Most decisions in parenting are based around something that might not happen...it's all risk mitigation basically.

Right here and now you don't need the money, but...

• Can you afford to pay into a private pension?
• How secure is your husband's job?
• Could you regain your earning potential if required? (husband no longer well enough to work, husband's industry closing down etc)

Those were the three things that made me return to work. We could have just about managed, but that wouldn't have covered off my pension contributions and being out of my industry would have made it near impossible to get back in to recover my ability to earn when needed which would necessitate a change in career. My husband's job looked stable but within 5 years he'd been made redundant.

All in all, going back to a job that I could do comfortably with long established trust and support seemed the better option than just hanging all my hopes on my husband keeping his job/staying alive/not divorcing me the staying alive one came scarily close too

It never crossed my mind not to go back to work but I will admit the night before going back was very difficult for me ( I went back after 18 weeks) I did have a wobble but once back at work everything fell into place and we soon got our routine going.
My reasons for going back are all outlined in the first reply you got.

@bluebluezoo

Your job has already accepted part time. You say you’ll use nursery 1 day a week- that can actually be quite disruptive as it’s too long between sessions at that age. 3 days is perfect as they are more settled.

I have worried about this though as my employer wanted me to go back 3 consecutive days (better for the business) which means my son would have a 4 day gap between going to nursery.
I’m not sure how that would be for him.☹️