What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

Couldn't wait to go back. Am very career driven. DD was 9 weeks old (different country) when she went to a childminder and was in school full time from the age of 3 (norm is 2.5).

I was so bored on mat leave - no adults, nothing to tax my brain, everyone else worked so nobody to talk to. I guess if DD had been older she'd have been more interesting so can understand people not wanting to go back if they are happy to forego financial independence.

Why don't you go back and see how it goes? You can always quit.

Paying the mortgage and bills. I was and still am the main earner.

Also, I always remember reading a post on MN in which the poster said that her kids didn't really remember her being at home with them when they were little, but they did remember (and were distressed by) the fact that they struggled financially when they were teenagers because the mum had not been able to get back into work.

Yes, I don’t know the thread you’re referring to but this was very much my experience of my own childhood/teenage years.

I'm probably going to be called a shit for this but I've found toddler years hard and boring for long periods (tea parties, cold parks, hide and seek, chasing...all day) and tests my patience. At least being at work is different and well paid.

It's harder to find a job when you don't have one than if you do.

Why not try going back first and see how it goes.

I cried in shops in the weeks before starting back at work and worrying that I'd miss DC too much.

In the event I was absolutely fine and back to normal by Day 2 at work.

The only real struggle/annoying point was racing to drop off and collect from nursery through rush hour.

@RealBecca

I'm probably going to be called a shit for this but I've found toddler years hard and boring for long periods (tea parties, cold parks, hide and seek, chasing...all day) and tests my patience. At least being at work is different and well paid.

Yeah, I'll go ahead and second this. I love my kids and I enjoy my time with them, but if my entire week was rereading My First Trucks and Diggers (again) and playing hide and seek (again) I'd fucking scream.

I went back full time after six months because I had to - primary earner - and twelve years later I'm still resentful. I liked my job at the time (career, actually) but it paled into insignificance to my child. I hate my job now and even though I am a well qualified professional, I would have preferred to been a more available mother and less exhausted, more time for me and my interests and be able to happily give lifts to dance and drama etc etc and not begrudge that my limited free time is spent taxi-ing. But like other pp's, also liked the whole food and house thing.

@RealBecca

I'm probably going to be called a shit for this but I've found toddler years hard and boring for long periods (tea parties, cold parks, hide and seek, chasing...all day) and tests my patience. At least being at work is different and well paid.

Totally agree with you. DS is adorable but the days with him are looooooong and very repetitive (and very noisy).

Money
And only money!!

Don’t find going to work slightly enjoyable, would never go to work if I had the financial option

I dream of being a SAHM

Good luck with whatever you decide 😊

Money. I'm the main wage earner.

I really really did not want to go back. I hated it at first. But now she is at school I am glad I did. I've kept up my career progression, we have plenty of disposable income and a nice lifestyle. It's not something I could easily have got back into after a long break. I did compress my hours so I had time at home with her still though.

Nursery was really good for her and she made a lovely, close group of friends. (Though it did take her a while to settle). I think ideally I would have gone back to work when she was 18 months. She was very clingy at 14 months when I did go back, but was more independent by 18 months.

We needed the money - couldn’t live on DH’s income alone, so I’d have gone back for that reason whether there were other reasons or not. As it happened, other reasons were:

• I enjoy my job, using my brain and spending time thinking in the particular way I have been trained for over the past 10 years.
• I enjoy adult company and much as I adore my child, find looking after babies/toddlers tedious (and toddler is much more intensive than a baby as I’ve found out in lockdown)
• I want to be a good role model for my child. DH and I have equal roles in the household and I want to maintain that
• I want to be financially secure not just now but in my old age, hence pension and job security/opportunities for progression all important now
• I was also happy with the childcare arrangements we had in place. If I hadn’t been then I might have felt differently.

Saying that I dreaded going back but was so happy I did. You really can’t predict now how you’ll feel in March so if I were you I’d go back and assess after a reasonable period - what have you got to lose?

I haven't got kids, and suspect I'll want to be a SAHM for a few years, but here are my thoughts:

You say "I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us. My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)" - that is a super short-term view, over the years it will make a huge difference if you take ~5 years off, as it's unlikely you'll be able to find a 3 day a week job for the same pay once DC is in school.

I also think from what you are saying you have become very, very isolated and it might do you some good to be apart from your DC. 3 days a week isn't that different from the 1 day he would be in nursery anyway and you can always resign if you still don't like it after a couple of months - no need to decide right now.

In my day - yes I know! - we tended not to work until our kids started school. Because it was the norm then childcare was virtually non existent, or maybe it was the other way round.

I was happy at home for a couple of years but it wore pretty thin after that. Why not stay at home until you want to work again? The time will come when you don’t want to be at home all the time.

@Izzysays try going back to work and see how it goes. My DCs are adults now but I can still remember how worried I was about returning to part time work after maternity leave. I soon realised that it was fantastic being able to chat with work colleagues about normal things and to drink a cup of tea before it got cold!

Money and a bit more balance. But there isn't a right or wrong way to feel imo, I knew around 6 months that I was looking forward to going back.

1. I never want to be financially dependent on a man

1. DH’s my salary means we can offer the life I never had to our children.

1. Rightly or wrongly I only feel a sense of accomplishment through work.

1. I love the social aspect of work. I’m a teacher and am in contact with hundreds of people a day. It’s not a mundane job.

Those are not in priority order either. They all are equally important. I so sometimes become overwhelmed with the day to day stresses of working, school runs etc but on the whole I know I would be bored if I didn’t use my mind each day.

Money mainly, moved house and took on a big mortgage then fell pregnant with twins. I went back 3 days a week … cried on the train all the way there on the first day but it's funny how quickly everyone adapts. My girls were almost 1 and they thrived at nursery/with grandparents.

Take another year off if you can. Retrain? Ups kill?

You don’t get the time back. If you don’t want to leave him and don’t have to then don’t

I went back to work for about 3 weeks. I hated my job and hated being away from baby. Money was tight, but we managed. There is nothing wrong with being a sahm. I eventually got a job for one day a week at the weekend so DH was home. That was nice. Then I got involved with DC’s school and now work there in a job I love.
You never know what’s around the corner (as 2020 proves) so if you want to stay home, do.

I returned 2 weeks ago, main earner and so no choice. I hate it.
DD loving nursery though and long term it’s in all our best interests. Still hate it though

I never want to be financially dependent on a man

THIS!! And this alone!! 🙌

I went back because I work for a good company with good support for families, and I enjoy having a career, to be honest I never really sat down and thought about it! I do earn more than DH as well so if I didn’t go back it would involve a major lifestyle change. DH is enjoying his job so that is why he didn’t become a SAHD.

I work full time compressed over 4 days, the days are long but it means I get an extra day just me and my toddler to do something nice.

I also have to admit that after they have had 3 tantrums in 30 minutes over nothing (the way toddlers do!) I’m sometimes quite relieved to pack them off to nursery

I went back when dd was 3 months old.

My reasons were mainly maintaining a job. I’m self employed and longer than 3 months off in my line of work and you’re jeopardising business.
Money was probably on par with my first reason. Statutory maternity allowance is dreadful and I couldn’t survive on that money for 9 months.

I did only return part time though. It was easy leaving dd at 3 months as opposed to 9 months as she didn’t know I’d gone. She much more clingy now and I feel more guilty leaving her now at 2.5.

For me, a lot of it was about risk so:

1. by continuing to work, we mitigated the risk of something happening to my husband’s job
2. pension
3. intellectual stimulation
4. getting back to a similar level. A gap would have made it too hard to do that.
5. maternity pay for child no.2

Personally I find being with both my children at the same time quite stressful. That is something else to consider if thinking about staying at home. The experience is quite different with more than one. My 4yo is now quite pleasant company. My 1 year old can be a delight but she also spends a lot of the day shouting at me or crying. She is far harder work than she ever was as a baby.

Money money money money

I am on a high income (finally at 100k) and the fear of falling off the ladder drove me to return.

I didn’t see it as a choice to stay at home. I’m not sure the choice was there - relationship was floundering and it’s now over and I am the breadwinner in our single income parent family.

I see women convincing themselves they must go back, I see women despairing and brainwashing themselves this is what they want (to work). Everyone is different but you are already saying you KNOW you don’t want to leave you son, so don’t!!!! If you don’t have to and you don’t want to then don’t. If that instinctive pull is there telling you to be near him then listen to it. Enjoy it.

(My caveat to that is, having a job and earning your own money is the key to leaving if your relationship ends. I have a friend unable to leave her husband because she has no real income. They was always in the back of my mind, I guess saw what was coming to me. )