What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

@kittykat35

I never want to be financially dependent on a man

THIS!! And this alone!! 🙌

@kittykat35 I am raising my 9 year old DD with the same mindset.

House of feminists here!

I love my job, as in really really love it, and if I gave it up there is nothing else remotely like it nearby, we would have to move for me to get a similar job.

My mental health would be shot to pieces if I was a SAHM, I am a far better parent, and a far happier person, for being at work part of the week.

I work 2 full days and 2 half days, but some of that is evening and weekend so only 1.5/2 days of nursery when dc were under 2.

But I also have friends and family who are fulltime at work, and others who are SAHM, and all of them have made the right choice for what works for them and their families - you'll know what's best for you and none else can really decide that for you.

I didn’t want my last post to sound condescending or critical.

My mother in law was a SAHM and instilled a strong work ethic in all her children. No regrets is our motto.

Because i love my job, have 3 kids to feed and I am a lone parent.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son
On one thread you have this. On another you have single mums full of bitterness that their lifestyle is so much worse than their high flying ex, trying to convince posters (and themselves) that he is only a high earners thanks to her not going back to work, expecting spousal maintenance, refusing to consider 50/50 care because they'd miss out on the healthy maintenance they get that makes their lives more comfortable.

Or you get those whose ex got plenty but is or has gone self employed to provide as little as possible.

All these women never believed they'd be in this position when their kids were little.

In the end, it's up to you. If you want to stay home because you enjoy it much more than working, with the prospect of one day just for you to do what you want, then do it, but accept that it is putting yourself in a potentially vulnerable position and that would of you own and your own only doing.

I'm too risk adverse to not go back. Even though my experience of going back was rubbish (now on 15k less than when I started mat leave just down to lack of opportunities in my area) and bored.

My husbands career rocketed when we had a kid, he was seen as dependable (and I was seen as a liability). Even tho he's pretty self aware and an involved parent - his privilege sneaks in as he becomes more successful and he has nine hours a day where his word is king and no one challenges him. He delegates the shit to me as if I was his employee and can be incompetent in domestic tasks. I snap him out of this mindset (it's unconscious) but wonder if this would be possible if I was a dependent spouse?

I went back (part time) because I had free childcare from family so the money coming is was significant however I didn't like my job much (teaching) and was pretty miserable even only working two days a week. After having my second I gave up work for years However I am now in a job I enjoy but it is low paid with not much chance of progression so although I hated going back I do wonder whether I should have 'kept my hand in' as I would have probably got used to it eventually (I only went back for 18 months in between mat leaves and as a teacher a couple of those months are school holidays) also it's hard going back when they're babies -I think the possibly more tiring toddler years work may have been quite a good change of environment for me . Saying that I did really love being hone when they were little but we were SKINT and now my work has to fit around the kids as dh progressed up to deputy head while I was at home and his job is still priority - he is never around for school runs etc and as I chose to give up a 'career' years ago it would be hard to change this dynamic now .

1. No choice because we need food and shelter.

1. But I work more now more than I technically have to. So I think for the part that is a choice it comes down to

• Wanting to not just have enough, wanting to know I have enough to cover not only home & car repairs, but I want to have enough in the bank that if something disastrous happened we could go on for a year between jobs.
• If you have a significant mortgage, or live in a more expensive part of the country, I don't believe we have the safety nets people think we do. Yes, for friends with 30k mortgages paying a couple hundred a month, benefits are hugely helpful in emergencies. But for many of us, they don't cover the mortgage if say you were sick and couldn't get back to work.
• I want to be able to cover my dc uni fees. Not anywhere near there yet, but as I get the rest of the things lower (mortgage, debt) then I think I will be able to put the extra money earned into that pot while dc is at Uni.
• I want our family to not have money worries. We've had years of very hard times and it's really important to me that I spend a few years building up some security. I'm not talking about hundreds of thousands of pounds, I'm talking about mortgage paid off, 12 months income in an account, enough to have a holiday every year, maybe eat out for a pub lunch monthly, and to cover uni fees.

In your situation @Izzysays 3 days may be the thing that feels too much. Could you try for 2, then you have 5 days with your dc and may very well welcome the other 2 days!

I felt like you OP but I very much saw being a SAHM as a career break and knew I could go back to the same role or be willing to retrain one day.
I think it's different for people who like their jobs, or have worked hard to get a certain career that they'd lose if they left.
One thing I would say though is be prepared that one day you might want to or need to work again and how many transferable skills do you have to get back into the workplace and can you retrain one day?
I loved the first 3 years of being a SAHM but once my dc2 got to toddler age I left like I wanted to get back to a career. I missed my own money, my independence and just having something else to talk about other than the children. Plus as kids get older they get more expensive and I wanted to contribute to that.
I don't regret taking that time out but I'm really thankful that I work in a career where I walked back into the same job and pay as I left so I was more like one long maternity leave!

Tbh as the higher earner we needed me back working in order to live the lifestyle we were used to.

However, more so than that, I needed to be back at work for me! I didn't really enjoy maternity leave much... staying at home, only talking to other adults about babies and children and generally not feeling like I had much of my own life (I.e something that's just mine... not shared with baby or husband) just wasn't for me.

I went back after my year maternity and was immediately SO much happier. DS absolutely thrived at nursery too and I loved seeing how excited he was when I collected him.

I went back 4 days a week. DS went to nursery 3 days and then grandparents 1 day. I really looked forward to my Mondays off with him too.

I intended to take a year each time but honestly I was bored shitless and exhausted by being a SAHM; I went back at 8 months both times. Second time, DH had just been made redundant so we essentially swapped roles.

I didn’t like my job so much but we did need it; if I hadn’t gone back I would be where I am now (two promotions, pay increase from £20 to £40k ish).

My twins went to private nursery 4 days a week to start, then dropped to 3 as it was too hard to do full time. My third child didn’t go to nursery until he was pre-school age as dad was at home. Dad never took him to any playgroups or anything - if anything he is the more social of the two. If that’s a worry!

If I could be a SAHM mum now (they are 11 and 9) I would. That’s out of laziness. Because they are mainly at school of course . Personally I’m just not cut out to be a SAHM. I genuinely have amazing relationships with all my kids though.

I really wanted to with DC1. Less so with DC2 but glad I did.

I am now the sole breadwinner and am so glad I carried on working and so am able to have a senior position with a decent salary to pay the bills. Not because my DH left me but because he is unable to work due to ill health. He can claim some benefits - a whole £5k a year.

We never know what's around the corner - good or bad. But it sounds like you have a flexible workplace, a job you can do and someone you trust to look after your DC. Why not give it a try - you might enjoy it for all the reasons people have said.

@nodogz

I'm too risk adverse to not go back. Even though my experience of going back was rubbish (now on 15k less than when I started mat leave just down to lack of opportunities in my area) and bored.

My husbands career rocketed when we had a kid, he was seen as dependable (and I was seen as a liability). Even tho he's pretty self aware and an involved parent - his privilege sneaks in as he becomes more successful and he has nine hours a day where his word is king and no one challenges him. He delegates the shit to me as if I was his employee and can be incompetent in domestic tasks. I snap him out of this mindset (it's unconscious) but wonder if this would be possible if I was a dependent spouse?

I'm not sure it's possible for there not to be a shift in the power dynamic when a relationship goes from two childless working individuals to one main breadwinner and one SAHP. Because the ugly truth is that everything a SAHP does is replaceable in exchange for money, whereas there is not exactly a surplus of working people clamouring to support someone to stay home and look after someone else's kids.

I'm not saying that many couples don't navigate this shift successfully. But the minute you are dependent on someone else financially and without current workplace skills and references, your options start reducing.

3 days 9-5 in a job where you like your colleagues? You'd be mad not to.

I hated going back. Hated it. Cried for days and hated the world for not being the 1950s when I could just stay at home.

I went down to 3 days, my baby was absolutely fine being away from me. It took a few months to get back into the way of things and I was very tired, but now she's nearly 2.5 and I am so so glad I went back.

My job is not my dream job nor is it a big career, I'm not very well paid, but I feel like I'm doing some good with it, I enjoy it, I think I'm good at it and it gives me confidence, also I like the atmosphere and my colleagues are lovely. I really cherish my days off with DD but I also love putting on a nice outfit and some makeup, listening to music on my commute and having a quiet cup of tea.

Honestly it's worth it. It's SO hard to go back but once you're there it's fine.

More to the point, I'm pleased that I bring in money of my own. If something happened to DH I could up my hours or move into another job more easily than if I was a SAHM.

DD will be at preschool next year and then school before you know it so the main SAHM stage is practically over anyway as we won't be having more

I think being a SAHM is a perfectly valid choice by the way, and in an ideal world I definitely would have preferred to stay home for longer if I could have gone back to work just the same - isn't it scandi countries where they stay off for 3 years? My gut tells me that's about right.

But overall I'm very, very pleased I went back

I'm a SAHM and I love it. Couldn't think of anything worse than going back to a job. But then again, I didn't love the job I was in before children.

The day is mine. I dictate the day and I don't have deadlines or office politics to deal with, or a crappy boss, , I can wear leggings and a T-shirt all day, I stay active by running around after toddlers, I can watch trash telly when DC nap, I'm home to collect deliveries, to run errands etc. I'm never lonely because I have a fantastic group of other SAHM friends.

Problem is, I don't think it's wise for me to be a SAHM for the rest of my life and I'll struggle to get back in to the work force at some point. But I love being home with my babies and hate the thought of someone else looking after them for long periods of time.

U have to go bk or you pay maternity pay no

@Christmasfairy2020

U have to go bk or you pay maternity pay no

?? Not sure what you're trying to say here but I'm pretty sure you're wrong.

We needed the money, and I became sole breadwinner. We couldn’t have relied on DHs income due to bad health and the nature of his work.

Wish I’d been less risk averse and taken the max allowable though (unpaid in those days).

Paying back the mat pay is correct. You need to work at least 13 weeks to counterbalance the SMP you would’ve been paid in that time.

Money

I was the high earner.

I went back full time after my first for the sole reason of earning money in order to become a SAHP after baby 2.

I went back in the March, was pregnant by May and left for maternity leave 2 at Christmas. I hated pretty much every second.

Not working has removed a huge layer of stress and financial worry - not to mention made lockdown 1 a lot easier for us.

My son goes to preschool 5 mornings a week and my daughter goes to nursery 2 days a week.

If I'd gone back to work after baby 2, we'd be spending a fortune on nursery fees and because I'd been promoted we'd have lost the tax free childcare and 15 hours too.

If you do stop working, make sure to apply for child benefit even if you don't get the money. Apply in your name and the years you spend out of the workplace still count towards you NI years.

I needed to financially, and I missed working. I went back after 11 months and felt ready to have a bit of myself back as well as being DD’s mum (even though I love being her mum).

If it doesn’t make any difference to you financially, is there an opportunity for you to take a bit longer? Nursery has been great for my daughter but below 2 I really don’t think it makes a difference.

@motherrunner

Paying back the mat pay is correct. You need to work at least 13 weeks to counterbalance the SMP you would’ve been paid in that time.

In general this is only if you qualified for enhanced maternity pay, i.e. if your employer paid you additional maternity pay above and beyond SMP. It's usually in a contract of employment that if you don't return after mat leave for a period of 3 months or so then you must repay some or all of the additional, enhanced pay. You do not have to repay SMP if you do not return though.

@motherrunner

Paying back the mat pay is correct. You need to work at least 13 weeks to counterbalance the SMP you would’ve been paid in that time.

Not according to CAB. If you received SMP or MA then you won't need to pay it back even if you don't go back to work. However, if you got enhanced or contractual maternity pay, you might need to go back to work to avoid repayment, depending on the terms of your contract.

Without getting into the Sahm arguments here I would suggest you read Steve Biddulphs Raising boys where he discusses the issues of putting children under age of 3 into daycare . I might add I have 2 boys and successfully started a business I could run from home when they were teenagers. Remember the government wants us back at work to pay tax so studies tend to favour the working mum. If you are financially secure then I also think it helps to have someone running the home ( a full time job) and keeping everyone well fed and happy as reduced stress on the high earner whichever partner that is and keeps a calm atmosphere which children thrive in .