What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

I went back full time when DS was 8 months old because of money! I was the main breadwinner and we needed to pay out mortgage and outgoings. I’d also worked hard to get qualified and to be promoted up the ranks in my job.

If that were me , honestly I wouldnt bother going back if it doesnt make much of a difference financially. Then i would just get a little part time job like 1 day a week or few evenings just for my sanity

Just to add to my previous post, I’d we could have afforded for me to stay home (job said no to part time!) then I would have. Totally support whatever choices people make, to work or stay at home.

Money, though I had a nervous breakdown 3m after returning from DS1 maternity leave. He was the first baby I got to take home but 4th pregnancy, and I struggled not being with him. I took a career break and eventually went on to have DS2. I returned to work when he was 3, having a much firmer foundation for my mental health. I’ve returned to work after subsequent maternity leaves for both the break from the chaos, the adult conversation and the money. I’ve never worked in a job I’ve loved, and I only work to live, which we try to do to the fullest.

Babies don't need a nursery to mix with other dc at a very young age.
Toddler groups, organised classes, free play parks etc all provide plenty of opportunity.
It depends on what you can afford really.
I wouldn't go agaisnt your instincts to stay with him or compromise with less days at work. The time flies, and you can increase hours when he needs you less.

We needed the money, but also I enjoyed going back, change of scene, speaking with adults, I'm not cut out to be at home all the time.

When you're calculating the financial value of return make sure you consider your pension contributions and the cost of a significant career gap, it's not just the disposable income monthly that should be considered.

• having a living human also resets what people actually need money for. One nct lady, extremely Cocky went back at 6 months because she had too... She was paying for house renovation, special hot water taps... Thicker carpets...

I guess that was had to have stuff for her but it's not what would have driven me back at all.

I didn't have much choice, single mum so had to go back to earn money. But I will say that as much as I was dreading leaving him, it was SO nice after that first day even to just have some time out of the house, away from chores, away from "responsibility", and to be me again. I now work part time and it's definitely been a good choice. Having adult conversations, not have to tidy up toys for the umpteenth time that day or watch cbeebies for 8 hours straight

I went back after the full 12 months but was ready at 10 months - disruptive house renovations meant I couldn't go back any earlier.

I had started to lose all sense of myself by 10 months. And I don't mean in terms of how I was perceived by others, but how I perceived myself.

Once I went back I enjoyed the exercise of nursery drop offs and the commute - and it helped me lose all the baby weight I hadn't managed to shift until then. I was doing nearly 10k steps before getting to my desk and I enjoyed dressing and putting make up on and feeling like the old me.

My son absolutely loved the physicality and socialisation of nursery and has thrived there.

And we needed the money.

I went back three days a week initially but within a few months I'd gone back to full time but over 4 days.

@feelingsicknow

I went back after the full 12 months but was ready at 10 months - disruptive house renovations meant I couldn't go back any earlier.

I had started to lose all sense of myself by 10 months. And I don't mean in terms of how I was perceived by others, but how I perceived myself.

Once I went back I enjoyed the exercise of nursery drop offs and the commute - and it helped me lose all the baby weight I hadn't managed to shift until then. I was doing nearly 10k steps before getting to my desk and I enjoyed dressing and putting make up on and feeling like the old me.

My son absolutely loved the physicality and socialisation of nursery and has thrived there.

And we needed the money.

I went back three days a week initially but within a few months I'd gone back to full time but over 4 days.

I should add that I also loved my job but when I went back it had changed significantly and I was very unhappy for a while (I did have a case for discrimination but didn't pursue it as I found another role and did a sideways move which suited us all).

@whatwouldyoudo85

2 ladies I know who had fabulous careers - still do - said they couldn’t have done it with children

Funny how men never say that.

Also, to try to be generous about it, how do they know? Sure, it must have been easier than with children to consider. But given that those women do not have children, they have no idea whether they could have found ways to achieve similar success if they had had them. It would have been a different life, and probably different career choices, but not necessarily less successful financially or otherwise. Many of us have managed it. I am a single parent (their father left me with two under two) and I earn a six figure salary now. Nobody knows what they are capable of doing until they have to.

I felt exactly the same and also dropped to three days at work.
It is actually great and my son is living nursery. He is developing so fast and you see photos on the nursery app of all the fun stuff they are doing, I think it's really good for him. So much so I think I will Increase his days at nursery from 2 to 3. My mum has him one day too and I might go back to work 4 days rather than 3

My baby was born in July and it was off on maternity for 9 months. I can remember just after Christmas being really upset and tearful and the thought of returning to work and having to leave my baby. By March I practically threw him at the nursery staff and skipped back to work (albeit part time)

You said that you would like to put him in nursery 1 day a week even if you stayed on maternity (or resigned from your job?) in that case you going back 3 days 9-5 is only two more days more than that. You still have 4 full days every week where you are with your baby full time. That's more than half, and an amazing position to be in. Best of both worlds in my view