What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

Long term investment in my skills, pension, employability and self worth. Also, company car!

My dc are now 9 and 12. I work 5 days in 4. Prior to dc2 starting school I work 3 days a week. I’ve kept my skills, pension, NI etc up to date, and have gone back into essentially full time work with no hitch.

Also - I would have been bored to tears being at home with the dc full time. Even my 2 days a week at home got pretty tedious from time to time.

I was in pretty much same situation op.
I didn't want to go back, but in all honesty, it saved my sanity. Just communicating with another adult and having people to talk to was so nice.
I went back doing 6am-1pm, so in all honestly, i only really missed the morning routine. But then lockdown was 3 weeks after I went back, and I was going 3am-9am so I didn't really miss out on seeing her because she was asleep anyway
The reward of them running up shouting mummy when you get home is so good too!

Leaving the workplace for long makes it MUCH harder to return, even more so to regain momentum and progress.

I earn a fair bit so we needed my salary, and long term we can't afford to for to just opt out of being on a well paid professional career path. Taking a few years out would have damaged my prospects irreparably.

I didn't go back to work after mat leave. My son was too cute to leave :)) I just thought of this, if I could afford it which we can, then why leave my cute lovable DS to go and work in a office full of backstabbing cows? I'm home all day with DS and would probably find work once he starts full time nursery when he is about 3 but for now, I am just enjoy spending every second with him and I don't get bored or suffocated.

This is probably the most divisive topics on Mumsnet as it's so emotive.

As you don't want to go back, and financially you don't have to, then I think you should stay with your son. They grow up so quickly!

I didn't go back after the birth of my first child as the thought of leaving her felt so unnatural to me. Yes, we've had to adjust our lifestyle but I don't regret it for a second. I wanted to raise her (and my subsequent children) myself as the first five years are so crucial to their development. Some days it's relentless and exhausting but it's also a real privilege.

If I ever manage to get pregnant I'll definitely be going back to work after maternity, partly because we'll need the money but mostly because my mum didn't. She waited until I was at secondary school but she didn't have any work-related qualifications and by that point her experience was over a decade out of date. The only work she was offered was care work, which she hated and gave up after a few months. If god forbid something had happened to my dad or they split up we would have been completely stuffed, and looking back I can see that she was miserable and bored out of her mind during my teenage arsehole years when I obviously wasn't interested in spending any time with her (not that she would ever say so). As other posters have said I don't remember anything about where I was and who I was with as a toddler but I vividly remember wondering as a teenager why my mum wasn't doing anything with her life. And while as I said she would never in a million years express any regret it's pretty clear that she doesn't want me to follow the path she did, which is very telling.

Look, if it's right for you and you have reason to believe you can deal with any negative consequences further down the line then it's obviously your choice. But it's worth considering why women fought and continue to fight for the ability to be working parents.

I was due to go back when ds was turning 1. I was absolutely dreading it. I loved being with him and didn't feel ready to leave him in other peoples care for such long periods of time.
I was made redundant the month before I was returning and I was so relieved!
I stayed at home with him until a couple of months after he turned 2 when I found a part time job that suited.

If I'd gone back to work after baby 2, we'd be spending a fortune on nursery fees and because I'd been promoted we'd have lost the tax free childcare and 15 hours too.

To lose the tax free childcare you'd have to earn over £100k, so I can't imagine nursery fees would have been that big a dent!

I went back for the extra income and for the financial independence.
Think about what would happen if your marriage broke up, would you be ok financially?

Will being a SAHM affect your career and employability?

money... that's it.
would the typical dad think twice, even if they didn't like their job?

Its a good question in some ways,to be fair I am not sure i ever seriously considered not going back.

I was fairly senior in a professional job,which meant a lot to me

DC all at Uni now,notsaying I haven't hadthe odd moment over the yearswhenI wondered if I haddone the right thing,but now I am out the other side of it I am happy with where I am .

Fundementally I would not like to depend on anyone else for my financial security

I love my job and also value my financial independence, I don’t want to rely on my husband too heavily just incase. I also went back 3 days a week and it was difficult at first leaving DS with the CM but she’s lovely and he had lots of fun. I’m on mat leave again now and the baby will be going to the same CM when I return next year.

@Hardbackwriter not that I have to justify my financial situation to anyone but...

Full time nursery for 2 kids was around £2000 a month, add in the costs of commuting to work (which in my job vary massively due to moving location a lot) meant that without the tax free or 30 hours free for the eldest, I wasn't bringing home enough to make staying at a job I hated worth it. If I'd loved my job it would have been different.

Not working means that my sons preschool is covered by the 15 hours ... bonus.

I've been a working mum and a SAHP. For me personally I've enjoyed this time at home way more. BUT that isn't the same for everyone and we as women have the right to make the choice that suits us best. It's OK if another woman wants to do the opposite, it doesn't make our choice wrong.

I wasn’t ready and cried so much when i went back!
Now she’s 6 I’m glad I did part time. I have known many very competent, educated mums who are doing jobs well below their ability because they can’t get anything else and are frustrated by the lack of opportunities available to them.
Now my daughter is at school all day I can earn money to pay for the extra things that it’s nice to have e.g. money for new clothes, clubs, holidays etc.

One thing I would point out is that it's usually much easier to go part-time in an existing job than to find a new part-time job at the same level. Not always true, dependent on sector, etc. but it's worth considering if you think it might be true for you.

I agree with this.

I loved mat leave - loads of other mums around (pre-covid!), lots of activities, it was a year-long party. Then literally everyone else went back to work 3/4 days a week, and I was lonely and bored at home with DD (I was self-employed so worked around her). I really needed adult company. We developed a little routine but when she was two I started her at nursery for a few mornings a week, and we've gradually increased that.

I would say, and it's not universal by any means, that after 18 months or so I really felt the lack of childcare - DD was old enough to want some novelty each day, and fresh air, and activities, and nursery provides all that and returns her to me zonked in time for a nap! I now work three days a week in a role I created.

In your shoes I'd try a return to work and re-evaluate in a few months if you still feel strongly.

As someone on the other side with a teenager I’d say go back. You can more easily negotiate part time in a firm with a proven history as you have done with your 8 years service. If you want more children another maternity leave. Then in a few years when DC is school age you may be able to negotiate school hours etc if you want. If not you will be faced with trying to get a job in a few years and probably have to do full time or compete with thousands for desirable flexible jobs. Everyone I know with a decent flexible job post children was there before. Mine went to nursery from 9 months for 3 days and benefitted. Yes nursery days barely saw her but we had 4 days together. She developed a bomb proof immune system so as a result barely had a day off school.

Regarding your worry that working 3 days consecutive will mean a 4 day break from nursery, this never seemed to bother my DD. She started at 13 months old and I work 3 consecutive days.

I hadn't left her with anyone apart from her Dad when she started. It was hard but I'm really glad I went back. Currently 5 months pregnant with no2 and will do the same (DD will be at school when I go back).

For me it was more than the money as we didn't gain loads until she got the 30 free hrs). Mainly to keep a foot in employment, seen some women struggle after a long break. I do like my job which helps though. Nice to have some adult company (although not so much at the moment with WFH).

I also didn't want all the housework etc to fall to me, which I think would've happened if I was a SAHM. To be honest I'd rather work and share the jobs as we do!

I think it is important for women to maintain their own independence. The number of women on here who find themselves in a financially difficult situation is staggering and I think we all need to come at life with a little bit of realism and a plan b. We have all found this year we have no clue what is round the corner.

However, it doesn't mean you have to go back to a job you don't like. So rather than getting upset when you think about it take some time to do some research. I will point you in the direction of a lady called @juliafawcettonline (TikTok username). I think you can find her on Instagram but she is definitely more prevalent on TikTok. She gives incredible advice and ideas of how you can earn, decent money, by working home.

There are tons and tons of websites, YouTube videos and TikTok is really good for this type of thing. You may be able to find something that suits you, working how you want, when you want and where you want.

Money. I wanted us to bring in as much as possible and I wanted to be an equal partner in the relationship. My DH and I have always earned about the same so it wasn't like I had the same.options that you have.
I went back 3 days a week. I felt that this was a good balance. I agree with you that full days worked better than half (I did try half to start with). We did nursery rather than a child minder. It's a long time ago now but it is something I would change if I had my time again as I think for my kids, particularly my older one, he might have been better in a quieter one on one situation. I loved my babies so much and I can still remember how much it hurt to leave them. I can also remember sitting down to have my lunch break at work and thinking how nice and relaxing it was 😁. Within a week the rhythm of life changed and moved on and we were all fine.
If I had a high earning DH I don't know what I would have done. Not sure. I might have been tempted to go down the Sahm route but I would have had to have been very confident about things.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

Hi OP

My advice would be go back to work. Purely because once you're out of work its much harder to get back into it, but you can always decide to quit work with one months notice.

Your son doesnt need any socialisation at the moment so don't worry about that. You do though. Staying at home with an older baby is fun (not in a pandemic I appreciate), you can meet other mums, do classes etc, they are portable so you can do some things for you. Staying at home with an energetic whining tantrumming toddler, when your mum friends are mostly back at work, is not the same thing at all.

I personally went back to work, because I had to. But I didnt realise how I felt like my old self after I went back to work, I just felt a lot more like 'me' again and I'd got my identity back outside being just a mum. I think 3 days is a nice compromise as well (my company say 4 days at a minimum and my day off is always a bit hectic) as he will be still with you most of the time.

I'd also say that time flies, in no time (unless your partner is a high earner) he will have 30 free hours and then you will have a lot more free time and might regret giving up a job as it can be very hard to find a part time job as a new employee.

There isnt a 'right's decision though - there are positives and negatives to going to work and staying at home. Eg

Going to work -
Child has better immune system by the time they go to school
Children are a bit more independent and advanced when they go to school and it's an easier transition
Pension, career progression, inflationary wage increases etc...even with nursery costs most people are better off financially in the long run because when they do have to go back to work they aren't starting again
Children do get things out of nursery eg friends, new skills, messy play etc equipment that you dont have at home
I think it's good for children to see their mother working outside the home and (others will disagree on this)
When your child is going through a tough phase eg whining and tantrums etc its actually nice to have a break from them
If you want a second child you get paid maternity leave

Staying at home -
It's a lot less hectic, you're not clock watching for pick up times etc
Not having to take time off work when they are ill or having to send them back in when they are not feeling their best
Spending more time with your children when they are very little
Having more control over their activities, who they see, what they eat etc...eg if you are into outdoor activities you can tailor your childs activities to this
Less guilt

Everyone feels like absolute shit when they leave their child at nursery for the first time, and its heartbreaking when they are crying for you. The guilt is crushing. And it's a PITA for the first few months when they are constantly off sick the first few months...but then suddenly it's a year later and your little one is excited about going into nursery and you're all in a nice routine.

My last bit of advice (sorry!) is that if you do go back, you really need an engaged and committed partner to make it work. Someone to share half the pick ups and drop offs and take half the emergency days for looking after sick children etc and half the mental load of sorting out uniform, lunches, mental load etc etc.

I'd say go for it, give it a few months and then see how it goes and if you hate it after 6 months then you can leave

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

Great list. Thank you.

They are so adaptable. Mine did mon tues weds at nursery long days had all 3 meals there. I never viewed it as inferior to my care. It was just different. They do different things mix with different people was beneficial. She stayed at that nursery until she started school.

Everyone I know with a decent flexible job post children was there before.

Fwiw, I've had good success applying for jobs posted as FT and negotiating 4 days a week. I had both of my DC at one employer and did negotiate PT at 0.8 following kids, then a year after returning with DC2 I found a new job externally and negotiated 0.8 at it too. You can also take a new job FT and after 6 months put in a flexible working request, or look at compressed hours/5 days in 4. I had valuable skills though which does help. And finding another job is always a lot easier when you already have a job.

Simple - 1) I love my job 2) we need the money. Doesn't sound like either apply to you though so you do whatever is right for you.

Mainly the same reasons I worked before pregnancy. I went back 75% the first time and second time. FT the third time and 75%+ the fourth time (ie supposed to be 3 very long days but instead works out about 9 to 5 x 4 days). Sorry not rtft but what reasons did you work if you don’t love the job, don’t need the money and your relationship seems lifelong?

Probably to see colleagues/ not want to be dependent on your DH/ money

I took 18 months after one of my DC (suited all of us) but if I didn’t love my job I’d change my job.