What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

You will not always feel as you do as you will not always be a new mum and and may regret the decision not to return. Being able to return part time working with people you are familiar with is a big bonus. It is less a lot stressful than starting again in a new job and you should also have the goodwill of your employers for emergency sickness etc. Children grow up fast and in the blink of an eye will be off to school leaving you to try and re enter the workplace which can be more difficult the longer you are away. Also bear in mind that circumstances can change, I reluctantly returned to work as financially it didn't make much difference with childcare. My DM convinced me not to give up and to keep my financial independence. She was right as suddenly DH was made redundant so my job became very important.

I would go back and see how you get on. I'm a SAHM after my latest baby due to covid related redundancy. I love being at home, my little toddler is a delight but I am getting bored without work and it is hard to find another job at the moment with the economic situation, especially as I have school aged kids and they are in and out of isolation with bubbles bursting at school and I don't have much headspace to prepare for applications/interviews or try and improve my skills. I miss the financial security and worry about future career prospects. The time until they go to school goes very quickly, I was glad I went back to work previously.

I remember reading that the early years are for you, as they don't remember.

Wanted to set a good example to my child/children

Here we go again.

It’s an example. You have no idea if it’s a good one or a bad one unless you’ve tried them all. It’s just an example of what a mother can do. She can work. Equally she can be at home. You’re not setting a better example than a woman who stays at home and does the work of a nanny, housekeeper etc.

Unless you think childcare is a worthless job?

TheNewLook
Whilst I don't like the 'to set an example' argument, you are somewhat missing the point as I don't think any of those posters have said anything suggesting childcare isn't work.

If posters feel strongly that a good example to them is showing that mum being home and dad working isn't a default then that's fine. If they feel they want to set the example for women to maintain financial independence then that's fine.

Just like it's totally fine that DH and I believe that the way to move towards greater equality is by more dads stepping up at home, which is why we both work part time.

It feels a little like some SAHP get quite defensive if other people feel the example they want to set is something other than the traditional mum stays home, dad is the breadwinner arrangement.

1. mainly because bills which don't pay themselves but also
2. not wanting to become financially dependant on DH
3. to keep my career/pension contributions
4. to make sure I have a job a few years down the line - I saw so many friends leaving work in the early days as it's 'not worth' (cause of childcare costs) only to never really get back to the same job due to the huge gap
5. to have a job and not be screwed if we belong to the 50% of marriages that get divorced
6. because being a sahm would bore me to death.

Wanted to set a good example to my child/children

what a nasty thing to say. I have a few good friends who were forced to give up work due to having disabled children, no access to childcare and frequent appointments. what are parents to do in this case? some people really need to engage their brain before posting.

Wanted to set a good example to my child/children

I don't see the problem with this statement? Of course it's a good example to teach your children (especially girls) that being financially independent is a choice which they must pick if they can. It's like many other examples we set for them. I don't see why anyone needs to be offended?!

Pop culture and especially children's media is absolutely saturated with man=breadwinner with big important job, woman=carer and homemaker with little hobby job at most examples. Our culture is also still full of these default assumptions, as any woman who's ever been "mummy-tracked" or had the default assumption made that she's going part time post kids. And how many posts on here do we see every single week from women whose male partners just assume that childcare and housework are The Woman's Job, even if said woman also works FT.

We absolutely have a need for active role modelling of couples where both jobs and careers are equally important and household duties are shared 50:50.

It's really not important for him to mix with other children from a young age. I think that line is trotted out to make parents feel better about it. Before two (personally I would say closer to three) one to one care really is preferable.

I agree with the first part of your statement and also find that a lot of people big up the benefits of nursery, possibly to make themselves feel better (I am not anti nursery in any way and both my DC have attended). I'm not sure about the second part though. Is there evidence that one to one care is preferable before 2/3?

@Pumkinseed

Wanted to set a good example to my child/children

what a nasty thing to say. I have a few good friends who were forced to give up work due to having disabled children, no access to childcare and frequent appointments. what are parents to do in this case? some people really need to engage their brain before posting.

I'm not sure this is very fair. For someone to say that they feel they are setting the example they want to for their DC by working is not in any way implying that other women in very different circumstances, for whom it would be impossible to work, should be doing so.

The OP asked people for their personal reasons for returning to work. Personal reasons aren't a judgement on other people's personal reasons for doing something different.

What made me go back to work ?

• Need to eat, clothe myself and pay the mortgage
• Not wanting to feel reliant in DH
• Going mad through mat leave. I love being a mum, a mum that has her own identity. I lost that and often the house felt like a prison. I needed to get away

Now though I'd give up work tomorrow if someone gave me a choice !

I don't see the problem with this statement? Of course it's a good example to teach your children (especially girls) that being financially independent is a choice which they must pick if they can. It's like many other examples we set for them. I don't see why anyone needs to be offended?!

I agree, and it doesn't by default mean people are suggesting being a SAHM is a bad example. It's a bit like the FF and BF debates, someone says I BF because of the benefits, and someone else runs in to proclaim how dare that person say that about FFers.

I'm not sure if this will make sense but I have my own life and it's got nothing really to do with my kids. They are the centre of my world but I still need to keep my life rolling around them because soon, in a short time they won't need me 24/7.

I like having my own world outside of other people's needs.

@WishingHopingThinkingPraying

I'm not sure if this will make sense but I have my own life and it's got nothing really to do with my kids. They are the centre of my world but I still need to keep my life rolling around them because soon, in a short time they won't need me 24/7.

I like having my own world outside of other people's needs.

I agree with this also. It's good for women to have an identity separate to "mother". Working is one way to achieve that (there are others).

I have an older family member who felt totally stifled by her mother because she had nothing else in her life and sadly it ruined their relationship.

a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return

I don’t know anyone who has felt like that!

Most people I know went back to pay the mortgage.

[quote ohnothisagain]@FrangipaniBlue if you think that staying at home is the ultimate sacrifice you have to make for your children, you are putting an incredible burden on them. It is a choice you made for you, not for them.[/quote]
I think you've tagged the wrong person because I didn't say that

Wages

I won't lie leaving your baby when you go back to work is really hard. The first day is torture. But it gets easier each week. After a month your son will be settled into nursery and look forward to going. That is when you will be glad you went back to work. Staying in all day with a small baby and not going out since March due to Covid is not healthy. I think working three days a week and having two days with.your don is really the best of both worlds.

I chose not to go back to work or at least delay for a couple of years because childcare wiped out my wage so looking at our wages together (all our finances were joint) it didn't make sense and I was fairly disillusioned with my career anyway.

Got pregnant with our second, plan was to get at least the first one to school then work out what to do work wise. Then my husband left me and I was high and dry with a toddler and 8 months pregnant. Ended up going back to work when the youngest was 2 thanks to tax credits, 2 year funding etc.

Hopefully that won't happen to you but I didn't think it would happen to me. It left me incredibly vulnerable so if you do decide not to go back to work please do consider very carefully how to retain some financial independence and how you would get back into the job market if need be. I'm now in a different (but somewhat related) job and on a new career track which I love but I am starting over again and it'll be a while before I start to see the financial rewards. I live in fear of my ex defaulting on his maintenance payments because I really will be screwed.

At first I LOVED being a SAHM. But I couldn't go back to it now. I like having a work life, I like seeing adults, I like being able to talk about things with friends that don't centre around 'just' my children and having a link to the outside world. Babies are wondrous things to be at hone with and toddlers are adorable but also bloody hard work and sometimes it's very very nice to have a break by going to work!

Obviously only you can make the decision OP. But do try not to burn any bridges and (once again) have a financial back up!

Don’t forget ladies we will probably be working until we are 80 - plenty of time to get another career going 😂 and if you are luckY enough to be a happy sahm then I’d look after your little boy - little boys don’t fare so well in a nursery environment so recommended if you want to go back to work then being cared for at home is preferable before 3 ( hardly dare mention it here) there are tedious days when you wish you were at work but equally days at work when you wish you were at home . 2 ladies I know who had fabulous careers - still do - said they couldn’t have done it with children as they didn’t think you could do both jobs equally without enormous back up in the home . They are high flyers though .

2 ladies I know who had fabulous careers - still do - said they couldn’t have done it with children

Funny how men never say that.

*a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return

I don’t know anyone who has felt like that!
*
I felt like this. I needed adult interaction and to engage my brain in something other than baby related things.

Needing a break from a grumpy baby, and wanting to feel like myself again!