How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

What do you want him to do? And when? What is the dynamic at the moment?

What? So you think he should be helping you by virtue of the fact he is physically present in the house even though he is being paid to work and is actually working all day?

Give your head a shake ffs

Just finish work a bit earlier to take the baby. Maybe eat lunch together or have a 20 minute walk with him. I just feel lonely even though he’s in the house. He’s focused on work 100%. I know that if he were in the office he would not be around. But the thing is. He IS around? And I feel he prioritises work too much

I don't think you would be unreasonable to talk to him about setting some boundaries around WFH, in particular around not working outside of his contracted hours and making sure he takes his breaks. It would benefit his own health to have clear lines between "work" time and "home time as it can be easy to fall onto the trap of being available 24/7 because you're essentially living at the office.

It's just like he's out of the house, isn't it? As long as you can carry on with your normal life then I don't think you can complain. There've been other women on MN whose husbands WFH in the kitchen or living room, so they can't use those rooms - that's what's really unfair.

Can't he come downstairs for ten minute breaks every now and then?

He’s contracted 9-5 btw

If his employer allowed him to take 20/30 minutes out of work in the day he would need to finish work 20/30 minutes later.

I’m working from home, during my working hours I work, its what I’m paid to do, I’m not paid to play with my dog, play with my son, or do anything else.

If your husband works less this will lower your household income.

You do need to think how things would be if he was working from the office and not compare this to the current situation. But phaps have the conversation about the importance of work life balance and need to take breaks etc so that you are not nagging him, but trying to help him restore balance? That way you could perhaps get him to spend more time with you both

So he's basically working 3.5 hours unpaid everyday?

What a waste of his time. And yours.

Yanbu asking him to only work his paid hours and /or to use his breaks.
Yabu if you expect him to start taking uncontracted time away from work

Given he is being paid to work, not sure why you think it’s not a priority. The fact you say his job is hardly important says a lot.

Those start and finish times are pretty normal and presumably he’s around after that and at weekends.

Does he earn overtime or flexi for the extra hours?
If not YANBU to ask him to stick to his standard hours.
If he does, as PP said, this will affect your income and presumably if he wasn't wfh and in usual office environment he wouldn't be at home in that time either, plus commute each side.

Either way, as someone who wfh, YABU to expect him to adjust his lunches and take breaks in the day to do things with you. He's working. I had people sending deliveries to my house "because you're in all day now anyway aren't you", and "could you just nip and pick up...." erm, after work, yes.

Lockdown is awful and must be twice as bad if you're on mat leave with limitations on where you can go. But your DH is working.

Why is everyone overlook the 3.5 hours everyday he is doing on top of his contracted hours?!?!

OP, would he work this much extra if when in the office? Or is he hiding in the study using those extra 3.5 hours as his down time?

He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding

Maybe he finds it rewarding? He might enjoy the actual job, or see it as a stepping stone to something more lucrative which will secure the family's lifestyle. You don't sound as if you value what he does.

As PP says, I find it a bit sad you say his work is not important. Not every organisation treats people in the way you describe. Some of us actually enjoy working and doing a good job...
If he was in the office he’d be out of the house during those hours so you have to treat it like that. It’s hardly because he isn’t prioritising family - he’s providing for family by working when so many others aren’t currently able to.

YANBU

What hours did he work previously?
It doesn't sound to me like you are asking him to compromise his work.
In a normal time, yes he would be out at work but you would be on maternity leave and I imagine you would be socialising at groups and with other mums not just sitting at home.
I also think that WFH should mean your DH gets to spend more time with your child. He should also be encouraged to get out of the house every day - for his own wellbeing if nothing else.

It is really hard, my DH is WFH too and although he used to be out of the house most of the day at the office the fact he is here means I do expect that he can (should?) do more to help with the house and DC. For example, he never takes them to school or collects them even though he claims he really wants to. He is senior enough too that he should be able to manage his diary to make it possible (just once a week) but he just doesn't.

The other thing - my DH became very weird around work when we had DC. He suddenly became obsessed with working and worrying over losing his job - I think he felt a lot of pressure once we had a baby to be the breadwinner.

YANBU to ask him to take a 30 minute lunch break. With you. Or a couple of 15 minute breaks elsewhere.

He’s working 2.5 hours extra a day to his contract, that’s 12.5 extra hours a week.

I would say something, maybe he hasn’t realised. Can you put specific times in his diary to not make phone calls so you both can go for a 20 min walk or he can take Baby for a walk and give you a 20min break.

I think you should count your blessings really. I was a single mum and had to go back to nursing full time when my son was 6 weeks old. I did absolutely everything including and never ever got a break of any kind.
At least you are looked after.

@AIBAthief

What? So you think he should be helping you by virtue of the fact he is physically present in the house even though he is being paid to work and is actually working all day?

Give your head a shake ffs

You think it's ok for him to hide for 10 1/2 hours a day when he's being paid to work a typical week's work?

Either he's bad at his job or he's avoiding op and the baby

@SimonJT

If his employer allowed him to take 20/30 minutes out of work in the day he would need to finish work 20/30 minutes later.

I’m working from home, during my working hours I work, its what I’m paid to do, I’m not paid to play with my dog, play with my son, or do anything else.

If your husband works less this will lower your household income.

You work for 10.5 hours 5 days with virtually no breaks?

I don't think you're asking too much.
I've worked from home for years and the expectation has always been that I'd use my 'break' times to put on a load of washing or start dinner off in the slow cooker. I'm not talking about taking hours off during working times but just doing little jobs while the kettle boiled. It would be nice if your DH could support you by making the most of the WFH situation to do little things to help you out during the day. And at a minimum take a lunch break with you to give you company and have some time with the baby.

Depends whether he has a job where he's required to work as needed to get the job done. My job takes longer wfh. Since March, I've been working longer hours to do the same job. Not a lot I can do about it.

OP - I'd suggest at least that perhaps you have lunch together daily? Does he help with the baby in the morning/evening?

Would you expect the same if he was working out of the home? He would be gone for the same time as I assume he is now working travelling time

You could ask if he could finish early one day, or take a lunch break one day

Sorry op but no idea why everyone think it's normal for your husband to work 2.5 hours a day overtime for free EVERY DAY.

Did he do this pre lockdown?
Is he trying to impress so he doesn't get made redundant?
Is he dicking about in there avoiding dirty nappies and housework?

I'd be asking why he's working 12.5 hours a week more than he's paid to and whether he thinks he should look for a job that doesn't require such unreasonable hours.

What's he like of a weekend?