How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

I’m not saying it’s the right way. Not an I saying the OP should shut up and put up

I’m just saying what it’s like for me. That’s it.

I agree you should talk to him.

I started lockdown on maternity leave and my husband pre-Covid usually worked 9-7 but with commute was out of the house 7.30-8-9pm. From the first lockdown until present day he now works those same hours plus the commute time .

On his defence though, he gets paid well and he does make an effort to see the kids for short stretches throughout the day and finishes early on a Friday. He’s seen so many firsts with our second child compared to our first child which is lovely.

Please talk to him and spell out what you need. I think it would be reasonable and nice to spend lunch together at least.

My partner works from home and during lockdown it has been completely normal for him to hold a sleeping baby while he works, stop for a little while to read a story to the toddler. My older son is in conference calls from time to time... I’ve done a massive poo Daddy and I’ve got two biscuits” was a particular gem from this week. He has the benefit of not being client-facing but really, people understand there are children at home at the moment. Surely he would be chatting to colleagues if he were at his desk? Why can’t he talk to you?

@mynameiscalypso

Sorry out out pure nosiness what does your Oh do?

If he is working from home there is no reason why he can't join Op for a 10 minute walk at lunchtime then go back and eat lunch at his desk, or if he makes a cup of tea at some point (I assume even at the office he wouldn't be sat at his desk ALL day) make one for her, chat while the kettle boils (I assume he talks to colleagues at the office occasionally)

I don’t think you should frame this as a work from home thing but as a more general point about him needing to put boundaries in place to maintain a reasonable work life balance. 11+ hour days are hard on family life. Sometimes the situation is such that it’s necessary to work extra long, but it’s not a lifestyle most people want to aim for when they have kids. Is he expecting to be like this when you’re back at work too? Is he going to add a commute on top when he’s back in the office? I think these are very legitimate concerns.

He may be under particular pressure right now but he may also be using it, as so many men do when babies are young and women are stuck as the default carer, as a way To escape some of the drudgery of the early years.

Talk to him.

Perhaps he is feeling the pressure with redundancies that are happening all round. Perhaps he feels the need to work hard. Does he start work at 7.30am everyday? Lots of people work an 8-6 day.

He's a man. Of course he doesn't want to spend time with a little baby. There's a pretty good chance he isn't working for all those 10.5 hours. I'm afraid this is just the way life is. Babies are tedious to men so they pretend their job is extremely serious.

I found it torturous to be in sole charge of a baby without my DH in the house during mat leave. Having him there without helping would be worse.

Of course he can take a lunch break. He is avoiding babycare.

I think a bit extra is OK depending on level of pay, industry and career position. For example 25k a year with no prospect of progression for a for profit industry. Is very different to a charity worker on the senior management team.

Is this your first child? There is a lot of talk on here about men not really understanding how relentless having a child is. They don't seem to get what it is like for the mum, being default parent, life changing completely.

I think he could commit to having lunch with you. Baby's lunchtime can be a lovely time to share.

That's his 5 month old son as well as yours. He'll never get to see his 5 month old next month... yes you're right to remind him of that but if he's volunteering his time on top of his paid work, you shouldn't waste your breath more than once.
I agree, it must feel very lonely with someone barely conscious. Go out as much as you can and meet one person outside socially distanced. You deserve to enjoy this maternity leave and time with watching your child grow as much as you can.
His loss.

YAB massively U!

and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.
how rude.

It's important enough that he brings money to your family, or do you just leave him his wage as pocket money and you all live off your own income? (or savings as you are on maternity leave).

He's not more available because he's WFH. You should feel lucky he's saving on commute, otherwise he should do his normal day on top of commute and spend even less time home.

it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore. HIS company you mean? Then what do you expect him to do? Look for another job? It's an option, but he will make him very unsafe for the first 2 years.

People work overtime, what else is new.

They have a choice... Really? It's not that easy. Who do you think is first in line to be shown the door?

The man has a wife and a 5 months old baby, he's trying to provide for them in times of the economy is thought to be crashing down.

By all means, speak with him and explain you could do with help and time, but it's ridiculously unfair to resent him because he's stuck in his office working all day. Would you consider going back to work and share the chores and childcare?

As others have said, how would life be if he was working under normal circumstances? He would be out the house , including travel time, so no time for cosy lunches etc. If you're bored in the house you need to sort that out yourself , not rely on him. You attitude about his job is a bit dismissive as well, you sound almost jealous of the time he gives to his work

I've been a SAHM and know how frustrating and lonely it is being at home, but I really don't think those hours are that unreasonable. I chose to go back to work as I enjoy my career and will often work 8-6.30pm in the week, quite easily. 7.30 is quite an early start. I think you could ask him why he needs to start so early, it maybe that he has calls with other regions. It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him to help with the baby before he starts work and let you have a shower etc. But I don't think it's reasonable to complain he's not around in the day. 6pm is quite an early end to the day. Before Covid I was commuting and not home until 8pm.

And I'm really surprised at these comments that he's working for free. When you have a career you're just expected to get on with the job. You don't clock in every 5 minutes or even hours you work longer. You get the job done. Mostly I work to 9-5.30 but if I'm needed on an earlier call, I join it. And I work late if needed etc. I work part time and will occasionally help out on my day off too. It's normal.

It sounds to me like you're just not happy staying at home, which I understand. But instead perhaps plan to change that, rather than obsessing about what your husband does during the day.

When you have a career you're just expected to get on with the job. You don't clock in every 5 minutes or even hours you work longer. You get the job done.

My husband does clock in. And when he’s finished working his hours he stops work.

When I worked as a parent, I left work at the end of my working day because I had responsibilities outside of work. So does the DH in this situation. There is no need in an ordinary corporate job to work 12 hour days without a break.

@SauvignonGrower

He's a man. Of course he doesn't want to spend time with a little baby. There's a pretty good chance he isn't working for all those 10.5 hours. I'm afraid this is just the way life is. Babies are tedious to men so they pretend their job is extremely serious.

bloody hell, stop projecting your bitterness around and talking absolute rubbish.

WOMEN are working these hours just as much as MEN. There's a recession due to come crashing down, redundancies on the way everywhere.

Instead of accusing a parent to neglect his child because he's a man, why not suggesting the OP goes back to work, relieve the financial pressure and allow her husband a chance to more work/life balance?

With people like you, parents can't win: not working enough means they don't provide enough. Work too much, neglect their child.

Good for you SauvignonGrower if you manage to provide for your entire family with a 9 to 5 job, most of us cannot.

@flaviaritt

When you have a career you're just expected to get on with the job. You don't clock in every 5 minutes or even hours you work longer. You get the job done.

My husband does clock in. And when he’s finished working his hours he stops work.

When I worked as a parent, I left work at the end of my working day because I had responsibilities outside of work. So does the DH in this situation. There is no need in an ordinary corporate job to work 12 hour days without a break.

oh your husband does it so everybody can, can they?

If I had left my office at 5pm on the dot, not only wouldn't I have ever been promoted but I wouldn't have been kept for very long. Most of bonuses are not going to the clock watchers either.

If anyone from my team disappears at 5pm, they won't last very long either. We've got plenty of applicants keen to take over.

@OverTheRainbow88 He's an accountant (as am I)

Sorry but it’s ridiculous to say “if he were in the office he’d be commuting the hours and not be here”. Yes I’m not an idiot I understand that.

But he is in the house yet still expected to or choosing to use the time for work.

I understand you exactly (DD was 3 months in lockdown one) and you're not unreasonable at all.

Doing his work is entirely right. Doing masses of overtime while you break apart isn't.

You need to really tell him you're not coping. If he still doesn't prioritise you you have a problem, but I suspect he's decent, but oblivious.

oh your husband does it so everybody can, can they?

No. I am pointing out that not all workplaces are the same, as was implied in the post I replied to.

If anyone from my team disappears at 5pm, they won't last very long either. We've got plenty of applicants keen to take over.

And you sound like a bad employer. A full working day isn’t enough for you. Why is that?

He can't be arsed to help with his child, so he does the martyr doing all of these extra hours even though its out of my contract hours as I have no choice routine. Or he is really shit at his job and cannot complete his work anywhere near his contracted hours, in which case he needs to have a word with his boss and ask for support. I very much suspect it's the former though, unless he habitually used to be in the office physically for 2.5 extra hours a day. Its not unreasonable to expect him to help you, not during hours where he is actually working, but before work (especially now he isn't commuting), and after work.

@maddiemookins16mum

If you’re ‘sitting around the house’ what help do you need?

Jesus wept

Maybe he’s working above and beyond his contracted hours because we’re in the middle of a pandemic and he’s trying to ensure he’s not one of the unlucky ones who’s about to become unemployed?

Sorry OP but you’re being very unreasonable, he’s paid to work not provide entertainment for you. I say this as a new parent in lockdown, find some structure to your day, sign up for groups etc, most are on hold this month but they are running.

Speak to your husband about the unpaid overtime but I suspect he is trying to protect your family from financial ruin.