How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

“You do need to think how things would be if he was working from the office and not compare this to the current situation.” No she doesn’t. Do you normally like to distance yourself from reality, HollowTalk?

“What? So you think he should be helping you by virtue of the fact he is physically present in the house even though he is being paid to work and is actually working all day?”

What precisely is it that you find so shocking about this? The fact is, he IS at home. Why the hell isn’t he coming and lending a hand at lunchtime? Why is he starting work TWO HOURS before he should?

Listen, everyone. There are PLENTY of shit things about lockdown. Getting to spend more time with family is one of the very few good points. Why is everyone so keen to stamp this little glimmer of positivity out? Why shouldn’t the OP’s husband spend the time that he would normally lose commuting - with his family? Seriously, what is wrong with some of you?

Gosh you are getting a bit of a bashing here op.
Slightly different, but I was surprised (to say the least) that despite DH being 9-5 /1 hr for lunch type role, which he was already ‘at risk’ for in March, and used to take lunch breaks and fit a walk up town most days - he basically prioritised not having lunch and working an hour extra each day rather than helping me with the kids. I work 8h days 4 days a week also from home due to Covid and had to handle the kids all day while juggling work calls and working before they got up/after bedtime to fit in my ‘hours’. I’m paid more than him so but like either job was more important.

I think you are not at all unreasonable - there is a balance. He could still work on a bit if projects demand it but it’s not too much to ask him to take lunch away from the study, and to work maybe an hour extra not 3.5h extra.
I also fall in the trap of trying to finish things but I try to be strict and prioritise the family after 5pm (start at 8 most days and don’t take lunch so that’s still more than I’m paid for). He is clearly prioritising work above all else, which most big corporates don’t expect it’s pressure we put on ourselves (all the gumf from the company is almost certainly promoting ‘a good work life balance during these difficult times’ etc)

@SleepingStandingUp I’m a part timer 8:30-4:00 (4days a week), I don’t take any breaks during the working day, this enables me to collect my son from after school club rather than having to use a childminder.

Sorry op but no idea why everyone think it's normal for your husband to work 2.5 hours a day overtime for free EVERY DAY.

Because that is normal in a lot of jobs. My contract says something along the lines of that I will be required to work extra hours above my contracted hours as business need dictates.

We don't know OP's DH or whether his job requires this, whether he is being overly diligent because he's worried about his job in the current climate, or whether he is working to dodge parental responsibilities.

You do need to think how things would be if he was working from the office and not compare this to the current situation
So DH would usually have left at 8 and for in at 6. Does that mean that he gets to hide in DSs bedroom for two hours s day even though he only works 9-5? So I should get on with the childcare whilst he hides? And lunchtime we should ignore him and he categorically should not make my lunch or touch his kids?

If your DH’s extra hours gain him something then I’d let him be. For example he has paid overtime or the extra input will mean a promotion is more likely and increase his wage.

If they don’t and he’s working 2.5 extra hours a day then frankly he’s a fool.

I work a 9-5 and I don’t get overtime. I work late sometimes, but needs must and I earn a good wage with good promotion price risk so a few extra hours every now and then is fair enough imo.

If I was working 2.5 hrs extra every day I’d escalate it to my manager as it’s unfair and unsustainable. So either he’s not managing his workload well, or he’s hiding upstairs for some reason.

@RedskyAtnight

Sorry op but no idea why everyone think it's normal for your husband to work 2.5 hours a day overtime for free EVERY DAY.

Because that is normal in a lot of jobs. My contract says something along the lines of that I will be required to work extra hours above my contracted hours as business need dictates.

We don't know OP's DH or whether his job requires this, whether he is being overly diligent because he's worried about his job in the current climate, or whether he is working to dodge parental responsibilities.

Well it shouldn't be normal. Just because lots of people do it doesn't mean it's good.

I think you’re being a bit selfish actually. When I was working from home before the summer, my working day was longer than it would have been if I were in my regular workplace, because certain aspects of my work took much longer than they would have in a face to face setting. If my husband had complained/expected me to help out around the house just because I was physically present I would have been utterly stressed. I found working from home difficult enough as it was, not to mind being put under more pressure by my husband.
Now things have changed and I’m back to going into work and he’s working from home. Again, he’s under much more pressure/far more exhausted than he would be working normally. Give your husband a break. Ask him to help out and give you a break at the weekend. Let him do his job during the week. It’s not his fault that things you’d normally do are closed because of lockdown.

It sounds like he's using his work as an escape from baby duties. That being said, if his company is making redundancies maybe he has to put in more time. Or is he working towards a promotion? At least he can have a lunch break with you. But I also think you're projecting your loneliness on to him. Get out and about and try baby classes, they are still on

“ Either way, as someone who wfh, YABU to expect him to adjust his lunches and take breaks in the day to do things with you. He's working. I had people sending deliveries to my house "because you're in all day now anyway aren't you", and "could you just nip and pick up...." erm, after work, yes.”

Neither of the examples you give are anything like what the OP is asking for.

Do people on here really think it is ok for someone to close themselves away for hours a day outside of their work day, to avoid parenting?

I dont think you're asking too much. We all have times when we need to work more than contracted hours, and most people regularly go outside these, but to do an extra 1.5 hours before work, give up his entire lunch break and then do another 1.5 hours after work, for what seems like little reward, is a bit much. Most people I know who are in 'average' type office jobs dont do more than an hour extra a day outside busy times. I'd be worried he is trying to avoid you. And I'd be really really sad for my son that he was choosing to work rather than spend a few extra hours with him each day.
I dont really understand people saying that if he was in the office he wouldn't be able to help. I did some washing at lunch time because I'm home, and it needed doing. If I'd been at work I wouldnt have done it but that doesnt mean I shouldn't have done it. And if he was at work and things were normal you would be out and about at baby groups and meeting people etc.

It doesnt sound like he is giving you much support. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

A couple of caveats- before kicking off I would check that he is not scared of losing his job or there is something else going on that he is keeping from you. Do you think his colleagues all put in those hours? Does he have to work extra hours as he is struggling and falling behind? Are they going to be making redundancies?

Also I'd maybe think about how you frame it and the language you use. Saying you feel sad for your son and you would both like to see him more is different to saying he works too hard on a pointless and unfulfilling career that pays shit

What @DeadGood said 👍🏻

@RedskyAtnight

Sorry op but no idea why everyone think it's normal for your husband to work 2.5 hours a day overtime for free EVERY DAY.

Because that is normal in a lot of jobs. My contract says something along the lines of that I will be required to work extra hours above my contracted hours as business need dictates.

We don't know OP's DH or whether his job requires this, whether he is being overly diligent because he's worried about his job in the current climate, or whether he is working to dodge parental responsibilities.

There's a big dof between a business needs and working 7-6 every night since the baby was born

Why is he working for free??? That's the first issue.

Your husband is doing 50 hours of unpaid overtime rather than spend it with you and your baby?

Yeah I’d be having a chat about what’s going on.

If you’re ‘sitting around the house’ what help do you need?

[quote SimonJT]@SleepingStandingUp I’m a part timer 8:30-4:00 (4days a week), I don’t take any breaks during the working day, this enables me to collect my son from after school club rather than having to use a childminder.[/quote]
That's different though, you're choosing to finish early so you can get your kid. Ops DH isn't taking breaks and is working an extra 2.5 hours every day to avoid his

@maddiemookins16mum

If you’re ‘sitting around the house’ what help do you need?

Someone to holding the small screaming thing so she can pee and eat occasionally?

Why is he doing over a day extra per week for free? That should be the main question here. I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask him to look at his working hours.

My DH has been doing much more family friendly hours since WFH - he starts at 9am instead of having to leave the house at 8am, some nights he finishes at 6, others later but it means he can finish to do bath time or bedtime depending on how busy he is and can go back to it if needs be. I just leave him to his own devices during the day but he usually comes to have lunch with me and DD a couple of times a week.

“ If he was in the office he’d be out of the house during those hours so you have to treat it like that.”

No she doesn’t! Why do people think this way?!

The posters saying OP shouldn’t dare ask her H to help as he is in the house - (and clearly working many hours more than he is actually paid for) - are unbelievable!!

The H is in the house all day every day - OP of course you should be asking him to help more.

Sounds like he’s definitely hiding away from you and baby and at risk of having at best an unhealthy work/life balance and at worst being completely disengaged from his family.

Don’t let previous posters make you feel bad - just because you are on maternity leave and your H has a job - DOES NOT mean that you are therefore shackled to the baby / kitchen 24 hours a day and that H gets to do nothing around the house or, you know, be an actual father to his kid.

The 1950s is calling, it wants its repressed Mumsnetters back...

Being contracted 9-5 means nothing. Depending on salary, comes more responsibility. Also you can't just leave a job at 5pm when there's things to finish. However, starting at 7:30 is madness. He could maybe have breakfast with you both & his lunch hour you could go for a walk. You need to voice this to him Op. Communication is key.
You don't know (unless you do) he prioritising his work. Maybe he needs those extra hours to catch up.

How engaged is he in family life at weekends etc?

My husband works very hard. He works sometimes from 6am through to 1am. However. We run a business.

However. It’s work. He gets paid very handsomely. Plus he still has a job! I’ve taken more of a back seat

I also think he will regret it later on in life. But that’s his regret. He’s an adult. It’s the way he wants to be. It’s the way he is and his work ethic is something I’m so incredibly proud of

@DeadGood

“ If he was in the office he’d be out of the house during those hours so you have to treat it like that.”

No she doesn’t! Why do people think this way?!

Is he meant to sit in the office and pretend he's on the tube two hours a day??