How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

[quote Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme]@Lucyk1... I work and have a child. I find my daily life far easier than I found mat leave. If a 1950s style marriage and gender roles work for you then go with it. I’m ‘lucky’...ewwww...awful that it’s considered lucky...that I have a husband who takes an equal share in parenting and house work. (Not so much with the mental load but that’s a WIP) You’re basically saying ‘I’m putting up with a shit situation and so should you’[/quote]
Oh my god yes! Over the years I've had multiple friends say I'm so "lucky" 🙄 that my husband splits childcare and house work.... erm no I just haven't married a cockwomble! Sorry if you have but that was kind of an important thing for me before getting married and having kids 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️😂

I think this is really difficult OP. As someone WFH (and pre covid under threat of redundancy) I am putting in extra (unpaid) hours to hold me in good steady in future. My husband is picking up the slack (even though he's out at work every day. It's difficult. Because I'm on my own I don't even go out for a walk. I'm pretty engrossed in my job when I'm at home exact same as I would be in the office. That said, I make the effort outside of "working" hours - I.e 8am-6pm.

Have to say I'm pretty horrified by the amount of people on here who say men are shirking their duties by working over hours. As a female whose doing this (see above re threats of redundancy) I would hate to be judged like that. If its your husband and that's genuinely the case then maybe have s look at your choice in life partner ....🤷‍♀️

If he's contracted 9-5 he should be doing 9-5. Lunch, well, if he was out it would be his prerogative to work through. But I think it's shitty he doesn't WANT to have lunch with you and baby.

If I was you I'd say nothing right now because you know what he will say and just tell him you're struggling and need a "day off". You can breastfeed baby or whatever but take yourself for a long walk, go read a book, take a nap, stay away. Do it for a few weeks and he'll soon see how hard it is and, if he's halfway decent, try to look for ways to ease your load.

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme

Im willing to put up with my situation because this is how life is. If people want a roof over their heads and food on their table, then they need to understand that it's not like it is in the movies. Sometimes life is about juggling. This is why I pointed out that this lady needs to understand the importance of her husbands job, and that he can't just spend time with them or help out during his working hours, be that at home or in the office.
As a family, we have weekends together, and I'm sure this lady has that too. As a family, we have a film night every Friday night or we would go to the cinema. We always go somewhere for a day out on a Saturday, be that peppa pig world or the beach or wherever. My husband also gets off 2 weeks at Christmas, 3 weeks at Easter, summer holidays, Bank Holidays and we have plenty family time. We might not be able to spend all our time together all the time, but we do work hard and spend quality time as a family at centre parcs, disneyworld and making special memories like taking our kid to lapland. We are a very busy family.
But for the first year, when I was on maternity leave, it was just like this lady. I did all the work because I could sleep in, lounge around, nap... Its alot harder for a husband to help out and work at the same time.

I think it depends. I take it he's paid a salary so I think working all those hours in unreasonable. Surely he's contracted for a certain number of hours? Are you sure he's not doing other things like watching netflix.

@Lucyk1

It's a 5 month old baby, and you call this work🤦‍♀️. Wait till she has to juggle full time work and a baby and school and food shopping and every other task. He's doing his bit by bringing money in and putting a roof over their head... The least she could do was let him get on with it and stop expecting him to look after the baby during the day and help out.

Lucyk1 the 1950s called for you - they want their opinions back.

(Seriously, I despair that antiquated shit like this is still said on this site with a straight face.)

ArcheryAnnie - you have to remember that not all comments are genuine. Indeed many of them are carefully crafted to annoy or provoke people. It happens surprisingly often!

My OH has WFH since lockdown 1 and will never go back to the office as the company are so pleased with how much more productive everyone is. My husband works very hard and is very disciplined wfh, a lot more productive as he doesn't have any distractions from the office. He spends his usual 1.5 hour commute am and pm getting our daughter ready for childminders on the days I work and eating with us and bathing her every single night. he is also able to have his lunch with us when we're here, put a wash on, bleach the toilets, chuck a Hoover around occasionally in the day.
If your OH is working more than his contracted hours when he could be improving his work life balance and helping out his wife who's just had a baby then you have every right to be pissed off.

@Lucyk1

I get up at 6.30, rush around and get ready, get my 5 year old kid ready and leave the house at 7.45am...schook starts at 8am! We don't have these lovely breakfasts tour dreaming about as a family 😂😂. I head straight to work to start at 8.30am and we don't even see my partner... He gets up at 9am, leaves at 9.45...off to work... I rush home at 2.30pm for the school pick up at 3pm and he comes home at 8.30pm. My kid is already in bed by then. Thank yourself lucky! You've only got 1 baby though... And he's only 5 months old. You need to learn to get on with it. When I stayed home, all our family are 400miles away, we moved to a new area and I new nobody, no friends, no workmates, nothing. That's lonely. But it's too much to expect your husband to pick up the pieces when he's been working all day.

Your partner lays in bed whilst your rushing round getting your DC ready?

@Lucyk1 ah I see...so your OH gets to take part in the fun stuff and you do all the mundane day to day crap while he has a lie in...gotcha.

Sorry to derail OP I’m not shocked that anyone has this arrangement, just surprised that they think it’s okay

@Lucyk1

I'd hardly say I had a 1950s style marriage. My husband is a university lecturer and I am a teacher. But he certainly does far more hours at work than I do, which is why I pick up the rest of the duties like making dinner, food shopping etc because he isn't home until after 8pm. Our routine works for us.

This lady is expecting her partner to drop his work to look after the baby or hang out with them. He's not being paid to do this or spend time with them, he's working.

As for the lady asking why my husband doesn't get up until 9am. Because he doesn't need to. He doesn't start work until 11am. He often works until 9pm or 10pm. We both have our own interests. If he got up early and went for a run or a swim, should I moan at him for having a life? I'm. Not the one unhappy. As I said, our lifestyle works.

You put your 5 year old in early morning childcare getting the little one up at the crack of dawn, just to enable your selfish lazy husband to have a lie in. Up thread you said he started at 10, now you changed it to 11AM which is even worse on your DC.

@ArcheryAnnie 1950s? Some things that are old and dated actually just work. I'm sorry, I'll speed right back to 2020, where every person expects their husbands to do all the baby duties, be there for breakfast, lunch and dinner and work full time.... No wonder divorce rates are high and so many are single parents. The way this lady is going he will end up losing his 'not important' job and then they won't have any income. Is that what she would prefere? Maybe he could just claim benefits and sit home all day, maybe that would make her happier? Thanks, but I'll stick with my '1950s' lifestyle, it works 👌

Right gotcha @Lucyk1 - so your husband effectively does nothing for the family and in fact you do more jobs because you're married to him (his chores etc because he's too busy) you also work but your work isn't as important because it's not The Work.

OP - this is how NOT to do it.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Firstly, where did I say I put my 5 year old in early morning childcare. He goes to school at 8am. School starts at 8am. School isn't what I would describe as childcare.

If you re read my threads you would have actually picked up that my husband is a university lecturer, he's a genetic scientist working alot if time in labs, so depending on days, lecture times, experiments, depends on when he needs to go in. And this us why i said he is sometimes at work until 9pm or 10pm.

My husband lazy?? 😂😂😂 He cycles 20 miles to work and 20 miles home everyday, rain, wind, you name it. Bet you couldn't even cycle a mile. My husbands lazy? He works long hours, but I'm proud that he hasn't had a sick day in 20 years, came from a good strong background with work ethics. My husband doesn't sit on his bum and watch TV, or drive everywhere. And he probably does more with our child than the average parent.

But that's OK, you sit there and get do hung up because he gets up later. We've been together 20 years, there's really no need for him to get up at 7am just to see our faces rushing around the house.

@Lucyk1. . Your husband has it made! What catalogue did he get you out of? Not only do you both work, but he gets all the chores done and even gets a lie in every morning.

I want one of you - where can I buy you from please?

Should say I'm happy to "work" 11am-8pm every day if it means I escape all the domestic cap.

Fuck me the Corporate world has done a fantastic job at convincing people to work for free. Good thing we got rid of all those nasty unions.

He has been handed an opportunity to spend some of his morning, lunchtime etc with his baby because he's not commuting or in the office. Who could ignore a newborn all day? You would at least want to go and check in at lunchtime.

OP don't have another baby with him until you get this sorted.

If he’s contracted to do 9-5 surely that also includes a lunch break of at least 20 minutes so in reality he is doing almost 4 hours overtime a day.

It doesn’t matter that he no longer needs to commute. Employers should not be expecting their employees to work their commute time.

Of course during his working hours work should be his priority but outside of that it should be his family.

When I was working from home I was doing my usual hours which includes an unpaid lunch break. During my lunch break I would close the laptop and go make something to eat and watch tv read a book or go for a walk- ive always left the office for lunch so continued to when WFH.

OP I’m sorry there are so many mean spirited people in here. You’re a new mum and struggling with the new family dynamics and during a pandemic. FWIW I think your DH should have a look at how much unpaid work he does. For all everyone is saying, I don’t think it matters that much how much extra you put in when redundancies come around. When the axe comes loyalty means very little.

I hope you can have a good chat and come to a solution so you can both share the burden and joy of early baby days.

Ah the martyrs to the mighty cock are here.

You should work out how many hours work you do compared to your saintly husband. I bet you put in hours more.

I have some sympathy for the DH.

I'm wfh and over the last couple of months the expectations have rocketed and I'm now doing 9-10 hour days as a matter of routine- and believe me I'm not someone who works extra hours as a matter of course. We've literally just gone through a restructure last week so although I've raised the issue it's unlikely to be resolved until next year and being too vocal about working extra hours could be very dangerous job wise at this point. Thankfully I'm off today and tomorrow - only had to do 30 hrs in 3 days to let it happen and just remembered some emails I need to send. My job is not high flying either although it's reasonably paid.

It may be avoidance on his part, it may not. I think the thing to do is get him to do more with the baby and with you at the weekends. Start with that and then move to specific actions during the week, so one day a week you have a lunch together and he puts it in the diary, and say a couple of days a week he takes baby out in pram for a walk before he starts work.

@rookiemere

I have some sympathy for the DH.

I'm wfh and over the last couple of months the expectations have rocketed and I'm now doing 9-10 hour days as a matter of routine- and believe me I'm not someone who works extra hours as a matter of course. We've literally just gone through a restructure last week so although I've raised the issue it's unlikely to be resolved until next year and being too vocal about working extra hours could be very dangerous job wise at this point. Thankfully I'm off today and tomorrow - only had to do 30 hrs in 3 days to let it happen and just remembered some emails I need to send. My job is not high flying either although it's reasonably paid.

It may be avoidance on his part, it may not. I think the thing to do is get him to do more with the baby and with you at the weekends. Start with that and then move to specific actions during the week, so one day a week you have a lunch together and he puts it in the diary, and say a couple of days a week he takes baby out in pram for a walk before he starts work.

This.

I'm also reasonably jealous as to what jobs everyone does where you only have to work your contracted hours? I don't think I've ever had an employment contract which doesn't actually state you will be required to work additional as and where necessary....

I am certainly working more hours but fearful off my job and covid redundancies.

Hi OP. Sorry you’re getting a lot of stick! 5 month old babies are work IMO and I found it hard with both of mine at that age and I was able to do more socialising than the current pandemic allows. So I completely see how you’re frustrated and lonely. Your DH aside I do recommend you try and get into your own routine as much as you can. Hopefully baby classes will start up again soon. In the meantime a walk is anyways good and the rules in England allow you to meet up with one other person and that could be another parent with their baby/child.

Re your DH situation it’s hard to comment without knowing the full context. It sounds like he is giving over his commuting time to work? And not taking any breaks which does not sound good for any of you.

Unless there is more work for him in the current environment/he feels he needs to put in more hours to stave off redundancy risk/you are not going back after mat leave and he’s feeling pressure of being sole breadwinner, then I agree that it sounds unreasonable to not use that commuting time (when he wouldn’t usually be working) to help you with the baby and spend time with you etc. What would be his response be to that question? I also don’t think it unreasonable to think he might have lunch with you and say hi when having a break for a cuppa as and when. But also very reasonable to let him get on with work during main work hours and work breaks around those work commitments.

The thread has got a bit feisty between those saying he should just work contracted hours and prioritise family and those saying that longer hours are just part and parcel of some people’s jobs. There is no right answer here, you both just need to work out what’s important and possible for you as a family. When a baby comes along it really challenges previous routines and outlooks. People respond to this in different ways. More boundaries around work to leave/stop by x, sharing care and drop off and pick ups. Or one person stats home and one works. Or people employ nannies to allow them to work longer hours more easily. You need to work out what sort of dynamic works best for you all.

You’ve got some stick about how you describe your DH’s job but I think I get you. Why be a mug and put in needless extra hours in for no reason or benefit when you could be with your family? I feel like that re both mine and DH work but, although we put in extra hours when truly needed and work hard when on job, we would never want to have a relentless job for pressure/hours even if it earned us more. That’s just how we are and what matters to us. It doesn’t make our choices right for other people.

It sounds also that you are perhaps questioning your DH’s motivation. Is he putting bin more hours as he needs to or as an excuse to get out of the grunt work? If you think it’s the latter you need to talk about that ASAP. There are a lot of guys I know who seem like alright blokes but have turned into somewhat lackadaisical fathers. They’re not terrible and love their kids but take the easy road and leave their partner holding the baby. I’m so glad my DH is not that way inclined. But if you feel that is happening then you need to try and nip it in the bud with him before it becomes an ingrained pattern. Yes there are some families who seem happy with the mother staying at home and doing everything whilst the husband commits more to work after children. But if that’s not for you then that dynamic I believe will quickly make you very miserable and resentful.

Good luck.

[quote Lucyk1]@GalaxyCookieCrumble

Firstly, where did I say I put my 5 year old in early morning childcare. He goes to school at 8am. School starts at 8am. School isn't what I would describe as childcare.

If you re read my threads you would have actually picked up that my husband is a university lecturer, he's a genetic scientist working alot if time in labs, so depending on days, lecture times, experiments, depends on when he needs to go in. And this us why i said he is sometimes at work until 9pm or 10pm.

My husband lazy?? 😂😂😂 He cycles 20 miles to work and 20 miles home everyday, rain, wind, you name it. Bet you couldn't even cycle a mile. My husbands lazy? He works long hours, but I'm proud that he hasn't had a sick day in 20 years, came from a good strong background with work ethics. My husband doesn't sit on his bum and watch TV, or drive everywhere. And he probably does more with our child than the average parent.

But that's OK, you sit there and get do hung up because he gets up later. We've been together 20 years, there's really no need for him to get up at 7am just to see our faces rushing around the house.[/quote]
So your husband never sees the kids then? He sounds nice. Not sure why you’re being so emotional on this thread, I’m so happy that your husband cycles 40 miles a day what a fabulous man he must be. We all know a mans worth is based on his cycling ability so sounds like you won the husband lotto there

@Tootsietoot

Fuck me the Corporate world has done a fantastic job at convincing people to work for free. Good thing we got rid of all those nasty unions.

Maybe your union could fight against the virus which means people are doing everything they can to keep their jobs while picking up slack for those are not in work.