How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

@Daisymaze

I would bet you twenty quid he isn't working all those hours, he's avoiding the shit work. Babies are boring and labour intensive. I have worked with many many men who have pretended they need to work late when they were avoiding bedtime.

Haha same, I bet there's a lot gutted now they can't be 'working late' to time conveniently arriving home just after bedtime.

Accusing a parent to be a bad and neglectful father or mother because they work long hours is just pathetic.

I work in a team mainly made up of men and it is generally the ones with babies/small children who seem to volunteer for the projects and tasks that mean they have to work longer hours. I do think many men use work as an excuse to avoid having to do the grunt work when it comes to parenting.

Interesting comments on the thread that suggest that if OP's husband is a high earner he should be willing to work unpaid hours and just suck it up. I adhere strictly to my contracted hours and never work beyond them. My colleagues and clients learned long ago not to bother contacting me in the evening or weekend. I finish my day a little early 2 days a week so I can do the school pick-up. I'm a higher income earner but the company I work for posts an annual revenue of several $billlions so I really can't feel too guilty about it. I don't know why high wages should automatically mean you must be prepared to work all hours.

YANBU, OP. I worked some years ago in a company where presenteeism and long hours were a key part of the culture. One guy took the long hours to extreme levels. It was well known that he was avoiding responsibility and duties at home. They had a couple of very small children.
(He never met deadlines and was known as a dosser, despite spending crazy hours in the office.)

But I digress. It sounds like your husband is avoiding any kind of responsibility for home life. Is it all work that is going on, behind the closed door.
What would happen if you walked in some morning or evening, unannounced and handed him the baby, I wonder.

I empathise 100%, my DH is the same. He works crazy long hours at home, no breaks. I know when he worked in an office he would chat with people, go for coffees, take a lunch break. I wish he would do that with me but he works 13 or more hours a day, I'm at home with our toddler and I feel he is missing out on time he could be having with us like his commute or lunch.

I don't have advise as my DH doesn't listen to me but I would feel same in your shoes.

YANBU. I bet he spends at least a few hours a day messing about online or with his feet up. He's using being in his home "office" doing his important man job as an excuse not to get involved in the more tedious parts of family life.

Let's face it, who enjoys the make dinner- feed dinner- bath-bed-clean kitchen routine. Everyone's tired and grumpy... You just want the day to be over but have to get through this whole rigmarole before finally collapsing and enjoying the silence. He doesn't have to do this...He can just retreat to his office, shut the door and look faintly reproachful when you suggest he could get involved.

There's a reason why, when I go back to working full-time hours soon, I'm seriously considering hiring a nanny who will work until 7 and do bath and dinner (even if it means splitting the job). Then I too can enjoy kissing my clean pyjama-d little angels goodnight and reading a lovely bedtime story without any of the slog, mess and tantrums involved in getting us to that point.

@SauvignonGrower

He's a man. Of course he doesn't want to spend time with a little baby. There's a pretty good chance he isn't working for all those 10.5 hours. I'm afraid this is just the way life is. Babies are tedious to men so they pretend their job is extremely serious.

You obviously know a lot of men who aren't bothered about being parents and don't see parental responsibility as equal. The men I know are smitten with their kids and want to spend time with them - some of them can't do this as much as they would choose to due to working hours, just like some of the women I know. They're good people, good parents, juggling working and childcare responsibilities. If all / most of the men you know find their babies tedious, that's not representative of the majority of men in my experience.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Given he is being paid to work, not sure why you think it’s not a priority. The fact you say his job is hardly important says a lot.

Those start and finish times are pretty normal and presumably he’s around after that and at weekends.

Good God if working 52 hours per week as a corporate wage slave in an unimportant averagely paid job is "pretty normal" then I'm so glad dh and I went down other routes.

@flaviaritt

No one has to stay.

Exactly what an employer running an utterly toxic business culture would say.

funny how it's only outsiders who complain about business culture of a business they know nothing about

funny how it's only outsiders who complain about business culture of a business they know nothing about

Yeah, funny how nobody raises concerns about overwork to an employer who says “anyone disappearing at 5pm won’t last long”. Inexplicable.

There's a reason why, when I go back to working full-time hours soon, I'm seriously considering hiring a nanny who will work until 7 and do bath and dinner (even if it means splitting the job). Then I too can enjoy kissing my clean pyjama-d little angels goodnight and reading a lovely bedtime story without any of the slog, mess and tantrums involved in getting us to that point.

why don't you?

I never understand these parents who chose to stay at home, or reduce their hours, but then complain about their partner having to work
Someone has to.

Accusing a parent to be a bad and neglectful father or mother because they work long hours is just pathetic.

I'm not, I am speaking about the people I have worked with (no women have openly had this attitude but again, just my experience no doubt some do). I used to manage a team, and one of the men would always be keen to stay late, he didn't actually have any work that couldn't be done the next day. A few others have laughed as everyone else starts leaving for the day to proudly exclaim they are having a hot drink and catching up on some bits before heading home as to avoid bedtime routine. Of course not people who actually have to work long hours, and not all men.

Also never mentioned neglect, it's fucking selfish though.

I think people are being harsh. I don't think it would be an issue to ask for some help/support/company. It must be really hard and lonely not being able to go to baby groups or meet up with friends in theory could he spread his hours out a bit or does he have to be on duty 9-5?

You're never going to know what the issue is unless you talk to him.

He might be worried about redundancies.
He might be overloaded with work because of others on furlough/because of redundancies.
He might be using it as an excuse to escape baby time.

None of us know, so you'll have to ask him.

I only ever work over time if it's to my benefit though, like I need a day off at some point. But I'm not interested in getting promoted. The higher up the chain you are, the more they expect you at their beck and call. I work to live, I do not live to work.

I adhere strictly to my contracted hours and never work beyond them.

Lucky that your work emergencies always occur within your contracted hours then. This just isn't possible in every job.

You obviously haven't been in the workplace that long @Lowkeevslucille. I've been working in the corporate world for 30 years and have seen the difference between men and women when they have children. Women work short per hours, men increase theirs*

I didn't say they were bad or neglectful, but they do tend to avoid the slog of child rearing.

*typically, for the saintly simons who walk among us.

If he's done by 6pm that still leave several hours to spend together in the evening - more than most families get. Maybe he doesn't like interspersing family time in his work time. I actually don't either.

But actually OP, going back to your question. Just tell him.

'Simon, I'm going to have a shower. Jacob will need a nappy change I think'.

'I'm guessing you're still entitled to a lunch break - what time today? I really want to go for a run.'

That sort of thing. Don't ask, tell. This baby belongs to both of you.

@Lowkeevslucille. My point was about what I would like to do when I return to full- time hours next year. Not really enamoured with the thought of doing a 40+ hour week then getting landed with dinner, bath and bedtime every day as well because OH can't get his arse out of the office to come home and help.

I do understand where you are coming from OP -I'm also on mat leave with a 9month old and a toddler with my husband wfh in the spare room. He disappears in there around 9am every day (sometimes earlier) and works far beyond his contracted hours. Case in point, it's nearly 8pm now and he's still in there. I find it harder having him home as I do feel resentful and wish he'd help out more - even just popping down for 10 minutes every so often to give me a break to go to the loo or drink my tea.

However, he has to treat being at home as if he's in the office. It's tough, but the fact that he's at home is incidental. Being at home with a baby is boring as hell, but you've just got to push on through.

@Clymene

You obviously haven't been in the workplace that long *@Lowkeevslucille. I've been working in the corporate world for 30 years and have seen the difference between men and women when they have children. Women work short per hours, men increase theirs

I didn't say they were bad or neglectful, but they do tend to avoid the slog of child rearing.

*typically, for the saintly simons who walk among us.

Ha!, I wish, something odd about his uniform this evening when we were at the park, I twigged when we got home his trousers were inside out, it wasn’t even a PE day so I had sent him to school like that.

You have to laugh at the majority of posters on MN. On one hand, SAHM are being abused and ridiculed for being lazy (and much worst) as no parent should possibly stay home especially once the kids are at school

but on the other hand, anyone working long hours can only be doing so for avoiding their own children and family life.

Parents, especially mothers, cannot fucking win, ever.

@Clymene

You obviously haven't been in the workplace that long *@Lowkeevslucille. I've been working in the corporate world for 30 years and have seen the difference between men and women when they have children. Women work short per hours, men increase theirs

I didn't say they were bad or neglectful, but they do tend to avoid the slog of child rearing.

*typically, for the saintly simons who walk among us.

Totally agree with this. And I’m not ashamed to admit I have done and still do this myself (I’m female). Not a regular thing, but on the odd occasion where I’m working and DH is at home I just stay at work or wander round the shops and let him do bedtime. Bliss!

On another note My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown

where are you OP?

I am in England, and even during this so-called second lockdown, nothing is forcing you to stay in the house all day long. For your own sanity, you need to get out.

He’s being ridiculous - he’s entitled to a break and he should take it and if he’s starting so early he should be done on time

Both me and my husband are working at home we have lunch and go for a walk together every day!

Sometimes we work slightly late - but mostly finish on time

I’d be pissed off too tbh