How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

And of course he would be commuting if he were in the office. He’s not, though. His day should be correspondingly shorter, because his employer never paid for his commute, he did.

If anyone from my team disappears at 5pm, they won't last very long either. We've got plenty of applicants keen to take over

Thank my lucky stars everyday I don't work for someone like you. Unless you are being paid overtime, get more staff so there is not an unreasonable workload for people who are then expected to do beyond their hours or run the risk of being chased out. Gross.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable in the slightest. If he was in the office I presume he would take his allocated lunch break, why can’t he do it at home? My DH is also working longer hours since he’s been WFH (logging on early and he’s STILL at his PC now, I’ve just left DS with him so I can have a bath) and I’ve asked him to please come out of his office on his lunch break and either help with the kids, walk the dog or just give me a bit of conversation that isn’t in toddler speak. He’s gotten much better now and has been coming out for regular tea breaks, it breaks the day up for him and also gives me a break to make a cuppa/have a wee/ make some lunch. It’s made all the difference and will benefit you both.

I would bet you twenty quid he isn't working all those hours, he's avoiding the shit work. Babies are boring and labour intensive. I have worked with many many men who have pretended they need to work late when they were avoiding bedtime.

Have I got this right, he is working an extra 2.5 hours every day without pay?
His priorities are wrong IMO, like you say many of these corporate companies will not value it or even notice the extra work he is putting in.
It wouldn’t hurt him to take a lunch break and spend time with you and the baby. As you say, he is WFH and surely that is one benefit.

In his own time is he hands on with the baby and spending time with you?
If you are unhappy talk to him about it honestly, you are not asking for the world just a little bit of his time. Especially as he is voluntarily working considerable extra hours every day which is taking away time from the family.
Your maternity leave has been derailed because of Covid, this is a time when you could do with some extra consideration from him.

I can understand your frustration. He may be worried about being let go I guess though and feeling he needs to prove his worth? Is his salary really 'average'? 28K or so? If so it seems a bit rich to expect so much underpaid overtime but if you mean 'average' as in 'average for an office corporate job' or something and his salary is more like 60K than I think OT is part of the job requirement. Does he do his share after work and at weekends? Do you get a chance to do family things then?

OP these are strange times, but as others have said he is being paid to work so asking him to be available in working hours is being very unreasonable. Whilst you may feel his job is not important I am sure his income which allows the bills to be paid, life to continue etc when so many are facing such financial uncertainty is important.

I am a lone parent who has had to continue working, mostly from home since March. I am a key worker responsible for very vulnerable children and I am expected to continue to work and carry out the (statuarory) duties I am qualifed and paid to do. This included DC being off school during lockdown 1. Some days it feels shite, it is their home too. I also admit it is hard not to begrudge friends who seemed to be having an amazing time whilst on furlough (back in the spring) whilst my workload increased massively and supporting services just stopped.

The reality is lots of jobs require extra hours and lunch hours just do not happen. I am not saying this is okay, I am salaried and often my work is not achievable within the 37 hours I am paid for. In theory I can take time back, in practice I am owed several weeks and apart from the odd hour/day I will never get it back. However lots of people will take the view I am lucky to have a secure job, pension (public sector so despite an ok wage it is way below market value- a trade off). The reality is, when times are hard and you have a job there will be little sympathy because so many do not or are at huge risk of unemployment. It is a race to the bottom.

Talk to DH but be careful that you understand the pressures he is under first. Working away from the office all day can be totally soul destroying. He may have a boss who is of the mindset employees cannot be trusted so he feels he has to be constantly available. Also, now everything is via email, phone call, zoom meetings etc I found that the expectation to instantly reply or always be available for meetings has increased.

"If anyone from my team disappears at 5pm, they won't last very long either. We've got plenty of applicants keen to take over."

So advertise for volunteers. If you can't pay your staff for the hours you need then the business isn't working. Why should other people give their time to prop it up? The business owner is the only one benefiting here.

The responses on this thread are really depressing.

Of course YANBU.

Have you actually spoken to him to find out why he's working extra time, is he struggling at work? Have colleagues been let go so he has to pick up the slack? Is working at home putting obstacles to efficiently doing his role? Does he just not want to help out at home? That seems to be the starting point in my view rather than just assuming he's shirking his responsibilities.

He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding

You're an absolute prick for saying this, by the way. What job do you do thats so important and virtuous? Why would you belittle his job like this?

Has he got a PlayStation in there?

@SimonJT

If his employer allowed him to take 20/30 minutes out of work in the day he would need to finish work 20/30 minutes later.

I’m working from home, during my working hours I work, its what I’m paid to do, I’m not paid to play with my dog, play with my son, or do anything else.

If your husband works less this will lower your household income.

Why? He's entitled to breaks. He could definitely spend lunchtime with his family.

Working that long without a break is not productive or healthy.

I'd suggest just speaking to him. Say you'd love to have a quick lunch together every now and then given he's at home, try to make the most of it - could he pop 30 mins in the calendar to make it happen? Or just ask if he could take an hour off occasionally to play with your DC?

If anyone from my team disappears at 5pm, they won't last very long either. We've got plenty of applicants keen to take over
This is the shit culture that stops women from progressing.
Do you, for just one bloody second, think why there are plenty of applicants out there? Could it be that you are using two people to do three people’s job?

I wonder if it's all work. I've known partners who were very good at working late and arriving home after the grunt work of the evening has finished. Now they're wfh it's harder but they are still finding ways to stretch the working day out past dinner, bath and bed time. Maybe peep in after 5 and see what he's doing at these crucial hours!

I would bet you twenty quid he isn't working all those hours, he's avoiding the shit work. Babies are boring and labour intensive. I have worked with many many men who have pretended they need to work late when they were avoiding bedtime.

Haha same, I bet there's a lot gutted now they can't be 'working late' to time conveniently arriving home just after bedtime.

If he was at the office, wouldn't he be absent for the same hours? So it's not really about him helping you but more about whether his employer is recognising his hard work in a long day. That's his call.

My first mat leave my husband commuted to London and worked long hours and couldn't help with baby really. Now it's different he can jump on/off for bathtime etc but his working day is still the working day, and the spare room is his office.

He's paid to do a job so has to get it done from home....

My DH WFH, we always have lunch together on the days I'm off and he takes breaks for a quick cuddle with our son.

He works above his hours but makes time for us- but wouldn't take time out to go for a walk.

So I think YANBU to ask him to be more present in the home, but yabu to ask him to go out for walks.

I run the house even on my work days, he works because he earns the money so I can be part time. Weekends are for walking, parks etc.

I have been WFH since March and work longer hours of anything and it is getting worse. There seems to be a shift in culture that because we are at home more hours can be done as commute time/ need to leave office at a reasonable time has been taken away. I'm in senior management and contracted 37 I'd say I'm doing at least 10 over that and at my level that is what is expected and if I did less there is no way I could progress.

@Thewithesarehere

If anyone from my team disappears at 5pm, they won't last very long either. We've got plenty of applicants keen to take over This is the shit culture that stops women from progressing. Do you, for just one bloody second, think why there are plenty of applicants out there? Could it be that you are using two people to do three people’s job?

ahem... I am a woman, and a mother as it happens. That didn't stop me from progressing. What the hell does it have to do with my sex or gender.

No one has to stay. And contrary to what some uneducated people seem to think, recruiting is a very expensive and time costly process. It's very rarely in the interest of a business to have a short-term work force.

We are never lacking keen candidates, who understand that not everybody works 9 to 5

I don't even know anyone who does work 9 to 5, but apparently I live in a different world than most MN posters.

@SauvignonGrower

He's a man. Of course he doesn't want to spend time with a little baby. There's a pretty good chance he isn't working for all those 10.5 hours. I'm afraid this is just the way life is. Babies are tedious to men so they pretend their job is extremely serious.

I’m the only man in my work team, out of all the team members who are parents I’m the only one who works part time, I’m also the only one who took their entire parental leave entitlement, the leave package (which I wasn’t actually entitled to) is generous, so finances being tight doesn’t cause staff members to return to work early. I’m also the only one without a fulltime nanny. Quite a few have volunteered to return to the office so the nanny and their children don’t disturb them.

He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

This is such a shitty, dismissive thing to say 😔

No one has to stay.

Exactly what an employer running an utterly toxic business culture would say.

I just feel lonely even though he’s in the house.

You are responsible for your own happiness. I wish I had learned this sooner myself. If you wait for him to meet your needs for company and connection you will feel even lonelier.