How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

This thread has just turned into a man hating angry rant. OP still hasn’t said what job her husband does, if he helps out at evenings and weekends. Basically, at the moment it sounds like OP wants her husband to drop his work during the day just because she wants company, sounds a bit needy and hand holding more than anything else.

There are some variables to this: you could ask him what he’s aiming for by working through his usual travel time? Could he be trying to finish a project of some kind, or achieve something in particular? Is his work flexible enough to take a lunch break? He might feel distracted by a break- it might break his flow of concentration- though in the meantime you’re feeling all the more neglected because he’s actually in the house but unavailable. He’s missing out on his child the way he would when working away from home - wouldn’t he want to take advantage of the fact that he works from home and enjoy his child a bit more?

@Dinosaur19

'so your husband never sees the kids then?'

As I've already stated previously,

We both spend Friday evenings together, usually have a film night/games night and out kid stays up late with us. We spend all weekend together, have breakfast, lunch and dinner as a family at weekends and go places every weekend for days out.
My husband has 2 weeks off at Christmas, 3 weeks off at Easter and he's around 7 weeks in the summer. He sees out kid everyday then. He gets all the bank holidays, plus he's still able to take another 36 days in the year so we often take a week in January to go on holiday for our sons birthday. We have quality time together instead if quantity

Im not sure what you do for a living, but working 9-5 isn't the norm anymore. People who are Dr's and nurses etc work long 12 hour shifts... My brother is a Dr and he leaves the house at 6.30am to start work at 8am and he works until 6.30pm and doesn't get home until 8pm.

He works long hours, but I'm proud that he hasn't had a sick day in 20 years, came from a good strong background with work ethics.
That won't buy you any brownie points on MN. Here the answer to work problems is to 'get signed off with stress'.

I don't think you are BU to feel this way. I'm in very much the same situation.
DH's office took initiative and sent everyone home a week before lockdown was announced. He bought a desk and a chair and has set up office camp at the end of our bed.
I'm a SAHM. We have 3 DS - 1, 6 and 11

I am increasingly begrudging him upstairs all day while I've single handedly run the house, home schooled 2 kids and kept an eye on the baby.

However; without him working so hard we wouldn't have a roof over our heads or food in the cupboards. I try to remind myself of this daily.

Keep your chin up mummy! Your doing great!

I’m not sure taking breaks would be good for him if she only wants him to take over having the baby !
He is at work whether physically or not and I’m sure you would soon be complaining if he loses his job by prioritising you.
What do you do when not on maternity leave ? When are you due to go back ? Will help when you are back in a normal routine with work and seeing friends again etc it’s hard for everyone at the minute

[quote Lucyk1]@ArcheryAnnie 1950s? Some things that are old and dated actually just work. I'm sorry, I'll speed right back to 2020, where every person expects their husbands to do all the baby duties, be there for breakfast, lunch and dinner and work full time.... No wonder divorce rates are high and so many are single parents. The way this lady is going he will end up losing his 'not important' job and then they won't have any income. Is that what she would prefere? Maybe he could just claim benefits and sit home all day, maybe that would make her happier? Thanks, but I'll stick with my '1950s' lifestyle, it works 👌[/quote]
I'm sorry, this is just hyperbolic nonsense.

If you read the thread properly, Lucky, then you will understand that we are not talking about him cutting back on his actual job hours. We are talking about the time he previously spent commuting. He no longer has to spend that time travelling, but instead of spending that time with his family, being a parent, he's giving that extra time to spend in the office.

I have never suggested he give up his job, or stop doing his work. But he's working more hours than he did before - and as almost every study on this has shown, this does not help productivity at work. He's not working better, just longer. And he's chosen to work longer instead of spending time with his own family.

The amazing thing about not being stuck in the 1950s is that we don't have to choose between keeping a good job and becoming a distant stranger to our own children. If we plan sensibly and work efficiently, and don't buy into ridiculous presenteeism, then we can do both.

YABU.
Your husband is working full-time. He rarely has a lunch break presumably because he has a lot of work to get through and he takes his job very seriously. You say that you are proud of your husband. You also say his work isn't important. It doesn't sound like you are very proud or supportive tbh. You are still allowed to go for walks. Why are you just sitting around bored? Find things to get on with doing around the house while looking after the baby. I've had five children and was on my own with them in the day. I was never bored because there is always something you can be doing. My husband WFH now and I have teenagers who are hard work, but I don't expect my husband to stop his working to help. If your husband was out in the office each day, would you expect him to come home early or take days off to help with the baby? I assume you have a mortgage or rent, and outgoings as a family. Could you manage financially without your husband working? I doubt it, so get on with it and let him do his job.

Wow I can't believe this has got to 15 pages given the OP lost interest on page 4.

People are making a lot of assumptions about the OP and her husband, including how important his career is. A far as I can see she is only looking for occasional interaction which is perfectly reasonable and he might find that if he takes the occasional break it actually improves his productivity. It is interesting that productivity is so low in the UK given our long hours culture.

he may be feeling a bit lost. Men's mental health does suffer and there is little to know awareness and support. Sit down with your husband and ask for help and support. Tell him what you need and don't be embarrassed or beat around the bush. Highlight the advantages - bonding with baby, getting away from the desk/computer, and exercise for a walk. Having a baby is hard enough when society is working. 7.30-6 is a long day and a break walking with the baby and interacting is important for him and you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, my OH works from home (and he works the hours he needs to) but he is still around for the children. We have lunch together, sometimes he starts earlier and finishes earlier. Could you meet in the middle? If he is doing 2.5 hours extra unpaid overtime a day, could he cut it down to an hour? Or have a couple of days a week when he doesn't do it?

I'm not you so I don't know the exact situation. Does he really need to do the extra hours to get the work done? Or is he avoiding the baby stuff?

Why is a man's work always seen as sacred?