How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

My husband also works from home. He doesn’t take breaks. Nor does he very rarely take a lunch break. He gets food. But takes it back

Regardless of him working from home. He’s working.

Am I the only one wondering if the OP's DH is actually in working the entire time he is in the spare room?

He should be helping you out during the day. DH and I both work for a large corporate and have worked form home since early March. DH typically starts work at 9 (or just after if dropping kids at school) and will work til 5. In busy periods he'll break at 5 so we can eat together as a family and then do bath and bed and maybe do an hour or so extra work late evening once kids are a sleep. I usually start at 7:30-8:00 and finish earlier so I can pick kids up from after school club and get tea ready, and occasionally work in the evening too, but by exception. But we both take an hour for lunch - usually we try and go for a walk together if we're both free, if not we go separately. When we've had the children at home either during the first lockdown or when they've been isolating we've both had to juggle working hours and times, both look after the children at different time, so jobs and home and importantly allow each other the odd half an hour to escape for a walk or run or something to get some time to ourselves.

I can’t tell if you’re agreeing with me or not SleepingStandingUp, but that’s basically my point - those hours that we are “getting back” from not commuting don’t just disappear. We get to choose how we spend them. And in my opinion, in the OPs circumstances it’s a no-brainer...

@Happyheartlovelife

My husband also works from home. He doesn’t take breaks. Nor does he very rarely take a lunch break. He gets food. But takes it back

Regardless of him working from home. He’s working.

Is he doing 2.5 hours a day every day for free?

Why is everyone overlooking the 3.5 hours everyday he is doing on top of his contracted hours?!?!
OP, would he work this much extra if when in the office? Or is he hiding in the study using those extra 3.5 hours as his down time?

^^Exactly.

It's as if people can't see beyond He Is A Man And He Is Working.

He's not commuting so he has time either end of his day to pass the time with his wife and child. That's an entirely normal thing to do when you're at home.

If he was at the office he wouldn't be doing 3.5 extra hours work. So he's hiding out after 5pm now isn't he?

This is the home version of ducking out of dad duties and family life.

I sympathise. It must be frustrating for you and I can understand why you are feeling lonely.

.
But I'd be hurt if my DH described my job as unimportant. Is he trying to be noticed so that in case of redundancies? Is he worried about keeping his job or climbing the career ladder?

My DH is contracted 9-5.30 but generally starts at 8 and finishes 6 or later. Because his workload dictates and it's expected in his role.

Or do you think he finds it easier to while away time in his office rather than sharing parenting?

I don't think YABU to ask him if he could just work the hours he's paid and take a lunch break. At the weekend when he's not working definitely make sure you take some time for yourself to have a bath, read a book, get some space. It must be very intense for you at home all the time with such a young one at this time talk about it with him and explain you are struggling and see what you can come up with.

@DeadGood

I can’t tell if you’re agreeing with me or not SleepingStandingUp, but that’s basically my point - those hours that we are “getting back” from not commuting don’t just disappear. We get to choose how we spend them. And in my opinion, in the OPs circumstances it’s a no-brainer...

Sorry yes agreeing. Should have been yeah I know right, like is he meant to pretend... Because God forbid he uses those hours he's not being paid and isn't not travelling to hold the baby what his partner has a pee or a hot cup of tea. Definitely agreeing with you.

WTF? He's effectively volunteering his time for his employer rather than spending it with his family. Of course that's not reasonable. Even if he had the spare time to volunteer surely there are more worth causes he'd prefer to GIVE his time for? This sort of work culture drives me batty - especially in unfulfilling/low paid jobs. This is his one life - the only time his child will be this age... I'd definitely be having a serious talk about priorities.

Wait, so you want your husband to give you and your child attention whilst he is being paid by his employer to work from home? I think you're being very unreasonable OP!

Sorry about some of the dismissive responses you've received. I've got an 11 week old and completely understand how difficult and lonely having a baby during this pandemic/lockdown is. I don't think you would be unreasonable at all to ask him to only work his 9 -5 hours and to be present for you and the baby at other times. Also if he gets a lunch break could you sit down together or go for a walk? Just because you are on maternity leave doesnt mean you should have the baby 24/7. Especially when there is limited people and places to go due to lockdown.

It's as if people can't see beyond He Is A Man And He Is Working. I don't even know of its VERY IMPORTANT MAN THING or "well op you don't work all day so why should he have to help, it's just a baby!"

Wow. And we wonder why women are still always left holding the baby. Because men and by the looks of it, plenty of women excuse them hiding in their jobs for longer than they need to, to get out of parenting their children.

YANBU OP for expecting your partner not to work longer hours when you have a young baby to look after. What happens when you go back to work? Will you have to do all the pick ups and drop offs because his job is too important?

You can see how it starts. Nip it in the bud right now, before you're working part time, destroyed your own career chances and are totally reliant on him to support you financially.

Not saying you'll split up, but you need to not out yourself in a vulnerable position. I see it on here far too often.

I’m in the same position as you OP. 5 month old, DH has been WFH since March! And although he is very hard working and busy, it’s also flexible in the same way that if he was in the office he might spend 5 minutes chatting to a colleague while making a cup of tea. Only in this case, it’s 5 minutes entertaining baby while I hang the washing out etc. He also takes an hour for lunch each day which we spend together. Even though my mat leave has been negatively impacted in a lot of ways by Coronavirus, having DH in the spare room the whole time has been wonderful. And tbh his colleagues bloody love it when DD makes a zoom meeting appearance.

Can your DH’s work be more flexible at all to take a few minutes out here and there?

There are a hell of a lot of jobs where people start early and finish late. Not everyone sticks to the hours set.

OP, what hours did he work before lockdown? Was he arriving at work at 7.30 and leaving at 6? If not, can't he just do what he did before?

@SleepingStandingUp. Hahahaha. I just imagined some bloke putting his train cap on and sat in a chair bobbing along!

I don’t think you should belittle his job as not important or rewarding! It’s obviously important and rewarding to him, and unfair to say an average salary makes it unimportant. Having a work ethic is no bad thing.

However, it doesn’t seem quite right he’s working 3.5 hours a day unpaid. That’s not doing anyone any good. It’s a shame for the whole family if he plays no part in day to day life, and he could if he worked his contracted hours.

I'm just wondering if your husband may be feeling extra pressures to provide for you and the baby and by working extra hours, maybe he's hoping to ensure that he doesn't lose his job.
Years ago, when my first son was born, my husband started to worry about being able to provide. It sounds a bit old fashioned but men absorb societal messages about being a 'provider' and it's an uncertain time.
Maybe you could talk to him and see if you can reach a compromise.
I feel for you, having a small baby and being stuck in all the time is pretty boring x

How involved is he when he's not working? DH is also WFH at the moment and generally starts at 6am and finishes around 8pm. He does try and come out for half an hour before DS' bedtime. We see him occasionally during the day but he doesn't take breaks as such and we don't disturb him. For all intents and purposes, it's like he's not here and I deal with everything baby related. When he's not working, we split care of DS. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't expect to do anything other than work either and sometimes that will involve long hours. At the moment, I'm on parental leave so can facilitate DH working the hours he needs to. When I return to work, we'll have to compromise more. But our careers are important to both of us and we both have the kind of jobs where contracted hours mean absolutely nothing.

@Andylion

Am I the only one wondering if the OP's DH is actually in working the entire time he is in the spare room?

He's totally not

@SciFiScream

So he's basically working 3.5 hours unpaid everyday?

What a waste of his time. And yours.

this! Yanbu OP.

You have a young 5 month old baby, it's not like he's ignoring teenagers (who are ignoring him)

I wouldn't feel very valued if I was you and I would also be feeling very lonely.

@OllyBJolly

He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding

Maybe he finds it rewarding? He might enjoy the actual job, or see it as a stepping stone to something more lucrative which will secure the family's lifestyle. You don't sound as if you value what he does.

Also, maybe he’s worried for his job in these uncertain times. Especially now he has a baby to provide for.

By all means speak to him, ask him to reduce the overtime at least a couple of times a week.

@SleepingStandingUp.

He doesn’t do much now for free. He does occasionally do hours for free. For sure.

But on the climb up. He did many many many hours for free. I was practically widowed when the kids were young! Often my friends would talk about how their husbands would be home to bath and take kids to bed. Whereas my husband was rarely home before midnight. (When he worked in an office).

Fuck me, how dense do you have to be to not understand what the op is saying.

If he's not paid a shit ton in overtime than he's BU and blatantly using it as extra down time. I'm not sure why he wouldn't want to pop out for 20 mins at lunch, most people would miss their baby if working those hours and if given the chance would love a standard lunch break with a cuddle.