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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

231 replies

Sangham · 09/11/2020 21:39

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/11/2020 21:40

Truthfully ? No.

DuzzyFuck · 09/11/2020 21:41

No OP you need to put your DC first. You're not unreasonable to say she can't stay.

Are there other things you can do to help? Advocate for her with support services and emergency housing department? x

IceFrost · 09/11/2020 21:41

I was all for letting her stay until you said you had a child.

No chance would I with a child. I wouldn’t have my child around someone like that in a million years.

HavelockVetinari · 09/11/2020 21:42

Agree with AF - you've a young child, it's not a suitable option for her. Can you help her contact the council and explain her issues?

Aethelfleda · 09/11/2020 21:42

no, you’re not selfish, you have a duty of care to your child and drawing boundaries will protect them.
What you can do (if you are up
to it) is be your friend’s advocate. Explain to her upfront that she can’t live with you but you will help her liase with the local council, the Citizens advice, the foodbank, the MIND local charity, to get her into something that is better than sofa surfing. and yes, that might include encouraging her into treatment. but you don’t have to put her up in your house if you are worried for your child or yourself.

cheninblanc · 09/11/2020 21:42

No i wouldn't. I lived with someone like your friend and I would put my child first

romeolovedjulliet · 09/11/2020 21:43

with the best will in the world you can't fix her and you definantly shouldn't be taking her in. does she have a social worker or mental health worker she can talk with ?
she'll move in and there will be all sorts of problems, you have a young child, and limited funds, don't allow her to guilt trip you.

Butterer · 09/11/2020 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2020 21:43

She would not be staying in my home even if a child's welfare wasn't an issue. She needs far more help than you can give her. Stand your ground and tell her no.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 09/11/2020 21:43

Absolutely not. You need to take care of your child and yourself. Your friend is too ill to stay with you.

M0rT · 09/11/2020 21:43

No, I think of it was just adults in the house maybe but you can't have a child listening to talk of cameras in the lights and undercover work etc. Things are unnerving enough for kids at the moment.
Also I am in Ireland so may be different but almost no hope of being homed by the council if you have a bed or even a couch somewhere.

romeolovedjulliet · 09/11/2020 21:45

meant to say even if you didn't have a child it wouldn't be a good idea as your mental health would suffer too and that wouldn't help anyone.

ScrapThatThen · 09/11/2020 21:45

If you can keep your boundaries and keep advocating for her you can be a friend for the longer term. YANBU.

Okbye · 09/11/2020 21:47

Not being unreasonable at all. I would say no.

Speak to the Council and explain that she’s homeless and has nowhere to stay (also mention she’s vulnerable due to mental health issues) they have a duty to put her in temporary accommodation or B&B.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 09/11/2020 21:47

Nope, not a snowball in hell’s chance. It sounds like she’s already heading into crisis and she needs proper help.

Throw in a child who you wouldn’t want to witness her possible future behaviour and it would be a no. A sad, reluctant no but a firm no all the same.

Scout2016 · 09/11/2020 21:48

No it's not unreasonable. You have had her stay before and it didn't work out. So you know from experience how it can play out. You have your child to put first and it sounds like she needs specialist care than you can or should offer so you'd only be delaying the inevitable really.

vipersinc · 09/11/2020 21:48

No. She needs more than you can give, the best way you can help is by supporting her to contact the right organisations for specialist support. Aside from that, there is no way whatsoever that it's right or appropriate for your child.

Scout2016 · 09/11/2020 21:49

*more specialist care

Cherrysoup · 09/11/2020 21:49

Your dc comes first. I don’t think it’s appropriate for the dc to witness her losing it again potentially. She sounds like she’s in a bad place. Does she have family?

Wingedharpy · 09/11/2020 21:50

I'm with Aquamarine 1029.

You've done it before and it didn't end well for anyone.

Your friend sounds very disturbed and in need of professional help.

I do understand your guilt but, quite frankly, you wouldn't be doing her any favour ,in the long run, taking her in.

Very sad.

I thank God for robust mental health.

ReneeRol · 09/11/2020 21:50

You have to prioritise your child above everybody else. No way should a child be subjected to that behaviour.

Your friend needs more help than you can give and if you're helping her by giving her somewhere to stay, the council may consider her situation as not urgent.

Original poster
Sangham · 09/11/2020 21:55

Wow!!! I totally did think maybe I was harsh. I have tried to help, I really have by doing some of what pp's have suggested, but she is guilt tripping me in every way possible. I actually do struggle with my own mental health, but obviously nothing like her. But this whole situation has made me anxious and depressed.

My daughter did hear some of the things last time,as my friend did lose control,sobbing,screaming I'm very sorry to say. I tried to explain it in terms of illness. I feel like crap exposing her to that..I thought I was helping,never realised how terrible these episodes are.

I cant risk it, I know that.

OP posts:
Fouroclockonamarblemorning · 09/11/2020 21:55

Absolutely no way would I let her stay, child or no child. She needs professional help.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2020 21:58

Be kind but be very, very firm in telling her no. If she becomes abusive you should block her or at the very least not answer her calls or texts.

Arielsgift · 09/11/2020 21:58

Very very sad, but not, you have to protect your child. What a tough situation OP