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Original poster

To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

231 replies

Sangham · 09/11/2020 21:39

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

OP posts:
imjustwingingitdontchaknow · 09/11/2020 23:16

Where is she staying at the moment OP? I don't think you've said, unless I missed it.

Is she sleeping rough?

sneakysnoopysniper · 09/11/2020 23:17

If your own mental health was suffering last time your friend stayed remember that you have a duty to care for yourself so you can care for your DC. You needs all your wits about you to be a good parent. That responsibility must come first because your DC cannot look after themselves.

Wellpark · 09/11/2020 23:21

You've done more than most people would have done. Be kind to yourself and your child and do what you can reasonably do but from a distance

grassisjeweled · 09/11/2020 23:22

She should not have put you in an awkward position.

pergnet · 09/11/2020 23:32

OP reading this actually made me feel better. I have been in this exact situation with a friend who suffers from bipolar (if that's the latest term), and wanted to live in our house while we were on holidays.

She laid the guilt on very, very thickly because she had nowhere else to stay, and she got others involved too. Objectively, there was no reason not to let someone house sit, but I knew she was highly unpredictable and was also in a manic phase. I felt so stressed at the idea of her living in our house without us there, and putting my neighbours in the position of having to keep an eye on what she did in case something went wrong (based on her past actions).

Reading this thread reassures me that it's not yours or anyone's responsibility to be a crutch or a solution to someone's chaos caused by mental problems.

It is so nice of you to be kind and to do what you genuinely feel is within your boundaries to help, but that doesn't mean having her in your house.

AlwaysLatte · 09/11/2020 23:45

Definitely not with a child there. It would be harmful to them. But I would give a lot of my practical and emotional support. Just not as a housemate!

KarmaNoMore · 09/11/2020 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumwon · 10/11/2020 00:00

as pp have said council I would also suggest googling & see if there is any charity or housing association who will offer temporary housing & support for someone with mental health issues locally
That way you have been a friend & kept yourself & your dc safe

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 10/11/2020 00:00

My heart breaks OP, we helped out a family friend who doesn't have anything like schizophrenia to deal with, and being on the streets is way worse than I could ever imagine, but he's doing well! However I can entirely understand your reservations. Many wouldn't have done a half of what you have. You are one of the good ones, although I suspect that's cold comfort atm. I hope you friend finds wellness soon.

Fatmermaid · 10/11/2020 00:01

Seems fairly unanimous OP.

You're obviously a kind person and you want to help your friend, but you aren't capable of giving her the support she needs right now, so really you'd be helping her more by ensuring she gets the right support. It sounds like she's heading towards being sectioned again, and staying with you would likely only prolong the inevitable. Get her back in touch with the CMHT.

Janegrey333 · 10/11/2020 00:01

No.

CharityDingle · 10/11/2020 00:10

No, absolutely not.

Gregariousfox · 10/11/2020 00:11

OP there's a reason why it's mental health teams, not just a 1-2-1 service. People in the middle of a psychotic break need a range of support and one person, however well qualified, cannot provide it. You are certainly not in the position to do so, having no access to medications and without any mental health training. Please don't feel guilty. The kindest thing is to support your friend to access professional support and appropriate housing.

Krampusasbabysitter · 10/11/2020 00:15

OP, your absolute priority is the wellbeing and safety of your child and then of course your own. You have a duty of care for her and allowing your friend to stay is actually a major safe-keeping issue, so you really should not be making this your responsibility or worry about it. I would actually suggest that you step back quite a bit. You are not emotionally, physically or professionally equipped to deal with her complex issues. The closest thing I can think of to make a comparison is if you were to actually attempt some complex medical procedure despite having no such training. You are not in a position to take on her huge load. Yes, she is in the grip of some major mental health issue but on some level, she is still responsible for taking her meds, just like someone with severe asthma needs to take steroid inhalers or a diabetic patient needs to take insulin. It’s not helpful to speculate about her possibly sleeping rough etc. If she presents an acute danger to herself and others, you may have to call the police but there is a limit in how much you should ever take on when it causes so much damage and fallout for others. Even if she is the loveliest person in the world otherwise, you still do not have to shoulder her partly self-induced problems nor should you let her damage your own mental health and overwhelm you with her problems.

August20 · 10/11/2020 00:19

You must prioritise your own child and your family's wellbeing.

You were not wrong to let her stay the first time - in fact it was very kind. Having now witnessed her behaviour in your home you mustn't let her live in the same house as your child again.

Flowers I appreciate it is hard to say no directly but I think you should for your own family's wellbeing.

coffeelover3 · 10/11/2020 00:24

just to echo the others - no no no… And maybe take a step back a bit. Sometimes - and I know I do this as I've suffered with my own mental health - you can start leaning on your friends too much, so that they are not friends, but end up as co-dependant. I'm not being 'mean' here, just saying your friend is not well, and you can be supportive without losing yourself in her problems IUKWIM, which will be to her benefit too

coffeelover3 · 10/11/2020 00:27

just to clarify, I'm talking about your friend losing herself in you, becoming co-dependant on you. you're such a kind person, but be careful, i'ts easy to become so caught up with the other person's problems, you become consumed. and then she will recover, and you will be left holding all her pain. Sorry to be dramatic, but basically, you do need to mind yourself too hugs, it's not easy

remaininlight · 10/11/2020 00:31

My cousin had the same diagnosis; didn't take her meds and also ended up in the street. She would call me at 3 am just to chat. Endlessly. Poor girl caught pneumonia eventually and died in hospital. I still feel guilty but honestly, it's not your responsibility to care for your sick friend, OP.

user1471565182 · 10/11/2020 03:30

No. Do not do it. I have lots of homeless friends but am only able to do so because I have solid boundaries with them. Dont let them in my house or lend money.

BameChange123 · 10/11/2020 03:43

If she is homeless do you know where she is rough sleeping? At the moment aren't homeless people being put in b&b / hotel equivalents of the winter shelter due to Covid? There is a National number for Street homeless maybe call them and they can get an outreach worker out

IdblowJonSnow · 10/11/2020 03:58

No, I wouldn't either. I understand why you feel bad but definitely put your child first.
You sound like an amazing friend - keep on supporting her if you can.

NeonGenesis · 10/11/2020 04:55

No way.

Someone with schizophrenia who isn't taking their meds is not safe to be in your home around your children. I'm sorry but it's the cold truth. I am speaking from experience of a close family member who suffers with this.

Just because you don't let her stay with you doesn't mean that you can't be her friend. Perhaps you could find out what services or charities will help someone in her position and out them in touch with her.

MingeofDeath · 10/11/2020 04:57

Another one saying no for reasons already mentioned. Seeing someone you care for being consumed by serious mental illness is extremely difficult. Don't feel guilty OP, offer help and support where you can but don't let her stay with you. It would be an absolute disaster.

Kapalika · 10/11/2020 04:59

In all honesty, no. She’s needs professional help and you can’t give her that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/11/2020 05:05

It must be distressing to know your friend is suffering. You cannot help her and for your own sanity and child, you really need to back away. You sound too emotionally involved. Help with the practicalities if you can. She chose to stop taking her medication and rationalise that she was cured when she was not. I am sure many many people have tried and failed to get her to continue long term on her meds. You are no different from these people.