To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

[Sangham]

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

Rainbowshine I'd never heard of Karpman's triangle, so googled it and found this ... sounds pretty insightful to me

"A classic enabler, the Rescuer feels guilty if they don't go to the rescue. Yet their rescuing has negative effects: It keeps the Victim dependent and doesn't allow the Victim permission to fail and experience the consequences of their choices. The rewards derived from this rescue role are that the focus is taken off of the rescuer. When they focus their energy on someone else, it enables them to ignore their own anxiety and issues. This rescue role is also pivotal because their actual primary interest is really an avoidance of their own problems disguised as concern for the victim’s needs"

@Puzzledandpissedoff yes it’s really helpful to see if you’re falling into a codependent or simply unhealthy habit of dealing with other people’s issues to make yourself feel better or avoid your own problems. The “antidote” version is the Power of TED by David Emerald.

My older brother was suddenly made homeless 3 years ago - literally kicked out on the street by his landlady for not paying rent for three years. On New Years Day!!

And yes, completely illegal as you can only be evicted by a bailiff - but she had given him notice and he, being a complete wally, had not told anyone but just assumed that the idiot girl he was in love with would then be forced to let him stay with her. She refused. When the landlady turned up to turf him out he had drunk himself into a stupor and locked himself in the toilet, emergi g with cuts and bruises all over his face after having beaten himself. He left all his possessions on the pavement and presented at the police station saying he'd been robbed, mugged and had taken an overdose, then phoned my elderly mum... And that was the first any of us had heard of any of it.

I went to the police station and stayed with him all night, eventually getting him into a mh hospital. Every professional and representative we spoke with just assumed, without really asking, that he would now be coming to stay with me, ut I made it very clear, at every stage, that would not be happening.

No, I don't have children and yes, actually, I had plenty of room - but my brother had issues way beyond anything I could help him with; I knew that as soon as I let him stay with me the council would not have helped him at all, in fact he would probably still be here. Dragging me down with him.

I refused to feel guilty and made sure I reiterated at every stage that he would not be staying with me.

He is still very vulnerable and doss not engage with support in the community that he should - but I cannot spend my life helping him. And I don't feel the slightest bit guilty.

Neither should you. Xxx

Hi @Sangham this is the first time I’ve ever gone to the bother of logging in to reply.

My eldest son became schizophrenic for years ago when he was 23. I’ve been his carer and brought him home and looked after him since then. He is sectioned again now and has now been in for eight months.

I’ve told all parties concerned I can’t have him home anymore as I just can’t cope with the constant cycle of psychosis.

Because I have now refused to have him back at home - he is classed as homeless. Which in fact helps him find accommodation rather than hinders. We are in Lancashire so I don’t know if it’s different when you are. Regarding the council housing he is in the highest banding possible and on the priority list for somewhere to stay.

I have a social worker and his community worker working together to find him somewhere suitable. I am staying out of this because they are better equipped to deal with it and if I step in - they tend to step back and let me pick up more... and more of the burden.

There is supported accommodation which is in the community but she could also going to which the social worker or community team want to take care of.

If you are able I will see if she has a support worker (who would be part of the social work team) or a community care worker who would be part of a crisis team or home intervention team.

My son also benefits from a team that are on the ward called the restart team different trusts may give them different names. The restart team are responsible for re-socialising people taking them out and assessing their behaviour in social settings and a host of other things again this all still goes on despite coded. They also help manage and apply for benefits.

There are many accommodation options and I wonder if the ward is bullshitting you somewhat, deluded, or just not telling you the full story in the hope that you will take her in so they can discharge her.

My heat goes out to you but you are absolutely doing the right thing. My son is a high suicide risk and I fully expected to one day came home and find his body. He makes no secret of wanting to be dead when his psychosis is in full swing. He’s made 6 serious attempts so far and the consultant is surprised that he’s still with us. Your child does not need the psychological damage of seeing someone going through such traumatic mental health issues. My son never has balance as he doesn’t think he’s ill and refuses meds constantly.

Your friend may never understand or accept your reasoning but unfortunately you will just have to now that you are doing the best you can all round.

Massive squishes.

It sounds like she needs to go back to hospital OP and get proper inpatient treatment in a secure unit. Paranoid schizophrenia is a cruel, distressing illness both for patients and their friends/relatives.
Some people can be stable for years on the right medication (or sometimes they need medication changing to another type or the dose adjusting) sometimes they forget to take their meds and regular depot injections are better.

The doctors and MDT in a psychiatric ward can sort out her medications, stabilise her and find her new accommodation (or if she’s failed to live independently several times due to her illness they can find her supported accommodation and keep a closer eye on her). They won’t discharge her street homeless! Worst case scenario she might be given temporary temporary accommodation when she’s well enough (eg in a B&B) but ideally they would find permanent supported housing or a long term rehab placement once she’s recovered.

You’re not unreasonable at all to not accommodate her but I think you need to call her mental health crisis team and explain this or A&E or 999 if she refuses to see anyone (the police can put her on a temporary section and take her to a mental health unit or 136 suite even if she refuses).

Sadly some people with schizophrenia never get completely ‘well’ they may have periods of functioning better but it’s a serious long term illness.

Oh just realised she is already sectioned! In that case you need to tell the ward you absolutely cannot house her, even temporarily or for overnight leave. She might be telling them she plans to live with you.

If they think she’s going to live with a friend on discharge they might not give her the help with accommodation and housing she so clearly needs! You could ask to speak to her consultant to clarify if necessary.