To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

[Sangham]

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

@Krampusasbabysitter

Reading the update that your friend is actually currently sectioned I am wondering why on earth you are involving yourself to that extent! Sorry to come across as harsh but you are creating a drama and circus when there is zero need to do so. She is currently at a much better point with access to professional help and far more potential at receiving the right kind of support. You sticking your oar in now if anything is counterproductive because instead of her having the possibility of receiving relevant professional ‘aftercare’ and a chance of emergency accommodation, with you involving yourself to seek something private to rent will return her sooner or later to the same stalemate situation she was in before. Don’t try to white-knight and turn yourself into a martyr and focus on your child and own mental health instead. In reality, your friend needs you far less and should be left to be dealt with people who actually have a much better chance to help her.

This 100%. Leave it to the experts, they want her off their hands and a nice box ticked. Obviously she will relapse again to the detriment of your DC. Can you see your child go through watching this happen again. Being terrified. It’s your child who will be then growing up with poor mental health then.

I know you said she'd been admitted before, but hadn't realised it was ten times
Though no expert, that suggests to me that future relapses are a near certainty and that, sadly, her situation is even worse than I'd thought

As so many PPs have said, there's a time to step right back and leave things to those qualified to deal with them, and this is surely it

I would contact the ward and let them know that when she was told that there was no way she was coming to live with you she became threatening towards you and your DC and was threatening to self-harm as well. This may buy her some extra time there at the hospital - which it sounds like she actually needs. TBH, I suspect her illness is similar to that of my brother. Since my mother died, he has lost all of his friends and escalated his attentions towards me. I have had to apply for a DVA recently as he was following my kids home from school. Luckily the police around here have no time for that kind of shit and have taken this very seriously.

Re-reading my last post was a bit too harsh in all fairness. It was written out of a place of genuine concern but the last thing you need is getting harangued on the Internet by strangers. My childhood was overshadowed by someone that was overindulged and took no personal responsibility for their escalating mental health issues, brought about by not taking their medication. Rather than allowing professional intervention and have them sectioned, it was hushed up and family members had to deal with the continued massive fallout. I would never put my children through this nightmare. Now I have a policy of zero tolerance for anyone that refuses to take appropriate medication and subsequently presents with severe symptoms. I point blank refuse any involvement. My children will never have to witness any of that.

The problem here OP is that while you're a caring figure in the community the hospital WILL discharge her. You need to pull up the drawbridge. Tell them you can't help her and it's totally on them. It's hard, I've been there but it's the only way. She'll hopefully get a section 3 and stabalised.

If you help then she won't get that. It's the horrible truth.

@krampusasbabysitter -honestly it's fine, I totally wasnt offended in any way,and you are coming from a good,experienced place.
You've suffered the fallout from a situation not dissimilar to this,and a lot of it resonates with me.

I just wish services weren't so useless and impossible to navigate. It confuses me,let alone somebody with fragile MH, how on earth are they meant to complete forms etc.

Anyway, I'm definitely not housing her. No matter what. I've spelled it out in no uncertain terms. I don't feel as bad now,I know I was getting myself in a state ( not a drama queen ,honestly, but I actually have Generalised Anxiety Disorder myself so you can imagine that this has massively affected me). I feel a bit more detached now.

feeling detached is good OP.. you relax and enjoy your child 🌺

@Sangham Despite my tough talking stance, I totally get it. I was not always this resolute and spent my early adulthood trying to fix other people’s lives to the point I neglected my own needs. It’s very gracious of you to let me off the hook but part of my post was unnecessarily rude and I apologise for that. Just because it brought up some unpleasant memories does not give me carte blanche to lash out. Anyway, you have a serious enough disorder that absolutely warrants you shielding yourself from bad triggers. The thing is that with a greater awareness of mental health problems, the pendulum has almost swung to the opposite side to a point where people expect absolute support while absolving patients totally from their own responsibilities. That is neither fair nor is it healthy and in the interest of the person suffering from those issues. You can be sick and suffering from mental health issues and still be an utter abusive arsehole. Your friend is being a bit of a shit and you do deserve to be treated with respect and not being subjected to her abuse. I am glad you hung up on her. You are still entitled to enforce boundaries and action consequences for her bad behaviour. You have not caused her illness nor contributed to her escalating issues. You need to find a way of not being guilt-tripped on top of your own feelings of guilt. I think you should take a complete break from the situation and actually have zero contact with her for at least a while out of an urgent need for self-preservation. She would still be in the same situation and solutions need to be found.

I have known 3 people with similar issues. You cannot help them. You must put yourself and your family first.

How are you OP.. all okay 🌺

Sorry not been back..she is still in the facility and is allowed to stay there for as long as it takes to find a place. So that is a small positive.

Everyone now realises that staying with me isn't on the cards, so that original dilemma has gone.

I am working with her to find a private let. It is really difficult though as she hasn't access to a lot of the info landlords need, no laptop to enquire etc. So I'm trying to help as much as I can.

She still has a wage coming in amazingly as her employers have been awesome in their understanding.

Because she isn't on benefits, then she wont get " the doors opening for her" as one person from the facility told me, in terms of priority need for anything else.

Her credit history is dire so anything that involves a check or bankruptcy questions is out. That includes estate agents.

I just wish I could see her settled somewhere and then do what most pp have suggested and then step back.

Your a very good friend. I am glad she is still in hospital.
Can SS look for community housing for her as she can't commit to bills and rent.
Let them search out a residential placement or community housing with help on hand.

Credit to you OP... you're a bonafide Star ⭐️

@bluethistles aw thank you!!

I do not know the answer to this at all, I am just thinking really, but you have said that she will not be released with nowhere to go to. If you just stop, pull back from your search for a home for her (which sounds a bit of an impossible task in the private sector), so she is left staying in the facility, would social services/anyone else have their hands forced in helping her find a suitable home?

I know it seems very cruel, especially after refusing to have her stay with you (which I very firmly believe was the right decision), but it's not. Not if it gets her a home again.

@Herja

I do not know the answer to this at all, I am just thinking really, but you have said that she will not be released with nowhere to go to. If you just stop, pull back from your search for a home for her (which sounds a bit of an impossible task in the private sector), so she is left staying in the facility, would social services/anyone else have their hands forced in helping her find a suitable home?

I know it seems very cruel, especially after refusing to have her stay with you (which I very firmly believe was the right decision), but it's not. Not if it gets her a home again.

I think this really might have to be the answer. If she can't house herself privately, no-one can be required to accommodate her in their private home because she isn't stable, then (hopefully) SS or similar would eventually have to help. Or, she may eventually lose her job & become more of a priority for social housing.

You sound like a really good friend OP.

This is going to be harsh :

I think you need to stop the search for a house for her.
You are behaving like her carer. Like she is your responsibility. She is not.
You are her friend, so be her friend.

E.g. Conversation:
How is her day? What have they been doing? Have THEY had any luck in sorting her a place to stay? No? Oh that's a shame, at least you're safe where you are for now...

Not: oh I'll sort it for you. I'll look after you, I'll fix it.

She hasn't committed suicide yet and she won't this time either most likely. And if she did, it still would NOT be your fault. She is very, very mentally ill and doesn't want help. She won't stay on her meds. She is shifting all responsibility for her life to you.

Back right off. Tell her you wish to be her friend not her carer.
If she continues to abuse you, tell her you will need to take a break from the friendship for your own mental health.
Stop letting her problems become yours.

There is a support team around her, they can help her.

No one should be assuming you have responsibility for her or pressurising you to have that responsibility - your priority is your child and anyone that doesn't understand that is not thinking about you. I agree completely with glitterfarts except I don't think she is being harsh.

I have a relative with MH issues. The relative doesn't sleep for days at a time, he regularly sets the kitchen on fire or floods the bathroom. He puts his fist through walls and doors, he goes out and leaves the front door wide open. It is hell to be living with him when he refuses to take his medication. He is stable on his medication but keeps getting ill every time he stops taking it. He is a nightmare to live with and needs monitoring 100% of the time.

Families and friends have tried in the past and are unable to help. All that happens is stress, anxiety, damage to their homes and damage to the relationships. Leave it to those with the training and experience and that are getting paid for it. Be a friend to her and not a carer.

Thanks , I hear what you are saying PPs, and it's not harsh at all.
I was hoping that this would be a wake up call and that once I know that she is out of there and has a place,she can engage with services,and realise the impact of what rock bottom she's come to.
Then I'd feel able to step back. Maybe I'm just selfish, I honestly miss her, and want her to be well so we can be like we used to be. I want my friend back.
We've been through a lot over the years, she has been there for me, but this feels horrible because I can't make it better.

My mum had a very mentally unwell friend stay when I was 3. They used to make terrifying faces at me when she was not looking. They then told her I was trying to kill them. I have had trust and attachment issues all my life. Kid comes first and do not feel guilty. At all.

I would phone her GP, or mental health team. If she has previously been on a Sec 3 then there is a duty for her to have aftercare.
If you think she is a danger to her self then contact the police for a welfare check. And let her community mental health team know.
Such an awful illness, but if you can’t have her to stay don’t feel guilty. It’s not your responsibility.
If you don’t know her GP/Community mental health team refer to social services as a vulnerable adult.

You're not being selfish at all; you are just not losing sight of the lovely friend you know she can be when she's more stable. That's not a bad thing.

BUT, if she leaves with little support, to a home you have sorted out, without proper SS support (which will be easier to get if it's forced), then she's not at rock bottom at all, is she? Step back now, so appropriate care is forced in to place, rather than later, with her in a private rental (and a dodgy one too if she has an awful credit history), when she will struggle more.

I was hoping that this would be a wake up call and that once I know that she is out of there and has a place,she can engage with services,and realise the impact of what rock bottom she's come to
Then I'd feel able to step back

I'm truly sorry, OP, but I don't think she's going to realise anything at all while she's once again putting it on you. There's no doubt you're a wonderful friend, and it's understandable that you feel "just a bit more support" will turn things round, but it's simply not happening with this the tenth time she's been admitted

As so many have said, the best route would be leave this to the professionals and care for her purely as a friend rather than an actual carer ... she'll accuse you again just as she has before, but at least you'd have distance from all the chaos

You're really struggling to step back. Have a reflect on that.

She is seriously ill, you cannot save her, maybe stepping back will make her see the seriousness of her situation.

Hi @Sangham I would recommend that you stop looking at accommodation and instead research Karpman’s drama triangle. Especially the Rescuer role.

You shouldn’t be doing anything for the friend, full stop. You’re interfering, and will cause her and yourself more damage by doing so. She’s the responsibility of the healthcare professionals at the moment, if she harms herself or anyone then that’s on her and them. Not you.

There is an unhealthy relationship here, I am not sure I’d call it codependency but the drama triangle certainly would be worth a look for you.