To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

[Sangham]

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

yes she has family. None of them will agree to house her,not even for a little bit.

Her family are the problem not you. They can’t wash their hands of a family member in the midst of a mental health crisis and expect everything to be ok. I feel really sad for your friend. Not because of your lack of support but because of her family’s. There are some really great MH charities out there like Rethink or Mind that can offer advice on claiming the benefits she deserves and how best to deal with her immediate housing needs. I’d contact them before contacting the council.

Hi Sangham.No no no definately not.It's so nice of you to want to help, you're obviously a caring person and have already had her living with you so you know how she is.She is not your responsibility.

My bf's mum does this, stops taking her meds because she's 'better'. She isn't of course, and what my friend and her sister went through as children as a result doesn't bear thinking of. Don't allow your child to experience any of it.

You are not qualified to help her, you'll get dragged in and then she'll stay and you'll feel responsible and unable to do anything about getting her out.

Help her as Marshmallow suggests. Good luck.

Her putting all her effort into guilt tripping you instead of seeking other solutions says it all. No way.

Don’t do it.

Just say 'no'. Avoid contact as much as possible.

@BrummyMum1 you have no idea what she might have put her family through over the years, and they may have small children at home as well, or might have health problems themselves.

We also only have third-hand information about what help they have offered - they won’t let her move in, but they may have offered plenty of other support that she’s rejected (like she has rejected OP’s other help).

OP let's hope your mental health doesn't decline further and you need help when on your knees yourself.
Can't believe someone called her 'Disturbed' what a nice creature you are

Having grown up around Schizophrenic’s, my mums best friend and then my younger brother and dealt with more than my fair share of their ups and downs, do not let her stay. Watching someone suffer from psychosis can be terrifying for a child and is not something you need to be dealing with.

Encourage her to contact her crisis team or contact them yourself as they should be the ones dealing with her especially if she is not taking her meds regularly.

You are not responsible for her or her actions, you need to put yourself and your child first. Helping her to get professional help is the best thing you can do for her.

You're absolutely doing the right thing by not letting her stay.

I have an aunt with schizophrenia and when she's off her meds - spending time with her really unnerves me (even though she's one of the nicest people I know when she's well)

I remember being a child and being exposed to her delusions, she put all sorts of rubbish in my head about the royal family and how we are related.

I was also privy to a particularly frightening episode where she had a psychotic break and my DM had to barricade us in the bedroom and have the police come and escort us to safety because she was threatening to stab my DM.

As I say, she's a wonderfully kind and loving person when she's medicated and fortunately the violent episodes are extremely rare - but as she's consistently noncompliant with meds she's in and out of hospital like a revolving door and thus somebody I could never have living under my roof where my DC are.

I echo the others in saying certainly support her and advocate for her if you are able to, but not to the detriment of your mental health and your child's well-being.

I don't envy your position as it's incredibly difficult and if you're anything like me you'll have been so stressed by having this put on to your doorstep.

You sound like a lovely friend and she's lucky to have you.

I agree with others OP, you need to say no. Does it help if you view it as a clear choice between her and your child? It really isn’t right to subject your child to the potential disruption.

Not forgetting of course that she is not your responsibility. If she is anyone’s she is her family’s (and that’s another matter whether she is really) but she is definitely not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to safeguard your child. I know that won’t be easy for you but it is the right thing to do.

Good luck.

I have tried to help, I really have by doing some of what pp's have suggested, but she is guilt tripping me in every way possible

In that case you may need to be gentle but honest, telling her that you're simply not able to give the professional support she badly needs

I'd still offer to advocate for her, but be careful how much you're drawn into her crisis and be ready to step away if it gets too much

Dont gel guilty. Housing will prioritise her due to her MH. A bi polar colleague ended up with nothing , was sectioned & she was found accommodation & there's a charity that help with furniture & white goods in such cases that she was linked up with too. The MH Unit had a liaison officer for housing & benefits help. She got everything brand new in a cute flat & is ok at the moment. Turned out there were also benefits she'd been eligible for ,but didn't know so she got that amount backdated as lump sum too.

@Sangham - I unfortunately have a lot of experience of psychosis. It makes you nasty, self centred, selfish, utterly terrified, lost and so deeply alone.

You switch to flight or fight mode- trying to ride a wave of terror with no control of what you will see /hear /feel /think.

Unfortunately, coming off meds is easily done and difficult to reverse. It only takes one single moment where you think "i felt the same this morning, even though I haven't taken my meds yet. Maybe I don't need them any more?"

Within a few hours, intrusive thoughts start and it's downhill from there.

Please stay strong in your resolve. Don't let anyone back you into a corner.

No

As someone very used to the behaviours this illness can bring (close family member) I do not think you should feel guilty about saying no. In fact I think that would be best.

Another here with a schizophrenic family member. Please don’t allow her into your home OP. When off meds, or even if something changes and doses need changing, when the hallucinations start again they can become violent. You cannot expose your DC to this risk.

It won't help her if you do allow her to stay - you know this, because it didn't help last time. She needs professional help, which you are not in a position to provide.

Definitely don't let her stay.

Obviously, she needs to be back on her meds but it is up to her mental health team to support that.

If u didn't have dc I would say yes. But you can't with a dc it's not fair to any of you.
Maybe say you'll help with the council or whoever on her behalf.
My dm just did that for my uncle and they got him a bedsit. He couldn't of done it alone

No I would not contemplate it.
Be aware if you become embroiled in her welfare in terms of finding suitable accommodation and supporting her to stay on mefication etc., you really could end up with a very big time-consuming job on your hands.
MH is a one-way street and she could become very reliant on you, and this in-turn could end up taking a very big toll on you.

Oh and phone the local mh crisis team. They're a bit rubbish in my area but may be better in yours. Good luck OP.

Is she not protected from eviction at the moment due to coronavirus restrictions? I believe there is also a backlog in taking evictions to court so she’ll be fine for a while (someone please correct if I’m wrong).

Just do not do it. There is potential for your child to be harmed. Even if it’s a tiny chance, there’s no way I would put her up.

I housed a family member last year who has some MH issues (not on the scale of your friend), and it was a nightmare. We had to tell her to move out because she was having blazing rows with my 3 year old .

It is good of you to want to help her but your priority has to be to safeguard your child.
Explain to her that you are struggling with your own issues, and whilst you will help her in other ways, she absolutely can't live with you.

You have a DC forget my post