To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

[Sangham]

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

Sorry op, but if you let her stay she will end up ruining your life and your friendship. You gotta be cruel to be kind as they say.

I had a friend very similar, she called the police and said I had locked her in and was keeping her prisoner. When the police knocked on my door I had to admit I’d called out “hello” when I’d got in from work, I’d got no reply so I presumed she was out. The girl was hard work and I’d never help out someone like that again.

So my advice to you is, help but don’t let her stay with you. Get her the number for crisis or a women’s refuge etc but don’t let her ruin your life.

you need to put your DC first, it's logical and reasonable.

This kind of health problem could happen to any of us but child or not I don't think the situation would be liveable in the longer term and you don't need that. If she were my friend I would support with phone calls and advice, she needs far more complex help than you can give.

No, your dc are your first priority. It’s way beyond you to help her anyway, she obviously needs professional help. This will help her get it

@wibdib you made such a good point there in terms of her seeing my DD as an obstacle and what the consequences could be. I hate to say it but the way shes fixated on things and connected random stuff in the past,yes it could be a real possibility.

I will not be saying anything about my child in terms of the reason why she cant come.

Such good contributions from MN ,things I'd never even considered.

I think you have to put your DD first really.Episodes like you describe ,can be alarming even to Adults .For children it would be very traumitising I think .

You put your child first.

I had a very dear friend with schizophrenia and I wouldn’t have let her stay once I had kids knowing just how bad she could get.

I am reading and totally taking on board all of your comments.

I'm going to help her look for a private rent, and also look at what she could claim in terms of disability ( no clue ,but I will try to find out).

It's really sad and I really feel for her. However you absolutely can't let her stay - you wouldn't be doing her a favour in the long run. She is clearly trapped in a cycle of issues that haven't been solved by her staying with family (or you!) in the past so there's no reason it would be different this time. I'm guessing the MH team / council will be hoping family/friends will step up but if nobody does then they can't just release her onto the streets. In fact, I think you need to disengage with the process if possible otherwise they (and she) will try and put pressure on you which you don't need.

You are a single parent with a child (who has already been scared by this person's illness) on UC with MH problems of your own. You are absolutely not the person to step in for so many reasons. Please try not to feel guilty, this is not for you to sort out.

No absolutely not!
I did that once, ended up having to get her sectioned oh god it was awful...

You have a duty to yourself and your life... she will take over your life. She's made her choices not taking medication and not paying her rent etc
You have made better choices.., you don't owe her anything accept an ear to listen to as a friend.

You will not be helping her by letting her stay for a few weeks and she will cause chaos in your home which will make you weary and which will make you less able to help her. Keep you energy so that you can really give good practical help, like helping her to find council supported accommodation and mental healthcare support. Help her apply for all the relevant benefits.

From experience, I have found that the more help with temporary housing people receive from friends and family, the longer it takes for them to receive the long term housing support they really need from the council. She needs to be seen to be homeless and without anywhere to go. It really is a case of be cruel to be kind.

I think if she has schizophrenia, she would be better to seek council arranged accommodation. I say that because she will get a longer and hopefully a more secure tenancy and if she has episodes of odd behaviour, I am afraid she will have problems keeping a privately rented property from year to year.

Poor lady. She is having a very rough time. I think you will not be doing her a favour if you house her. I was in a somewhat similar situation and, by giving them a "temporary" home, i cut off the "emergency" lines open. If you house her she will drop in priority - sad but true.

Sadly no. Not with a child in the house I don't think you can risk it.

No. You are a mother first, friend second. I have been in a very similar situation and the choice is clear: you have to put your child's wellbeing first.

I have gone through something similar and because of my experience, not in a million years would I have her to stay.

I really sympathise though it's a horrible position to be in.

Reading the update that your friend is actually currently sectioned I am wondering why on earth you are involving yourself to that extent! Sorry to come across as harsh but you are creating a drama and circus when there is zero need to do so. She is currently at a much better point with access to professional help and far more potential at receiving the right kind of support. You sticking your oar in now if anything is counterproductive because instead of her having the possibility of receiving relevant professional ‘aftercare’ and a chance of emergency accommodation, with you involving yourself to seek something private to rent will return her sooner or later to the same stalemate situation she was in before. Don’t try to white-knight and turn yourself into a martyr and focus on your child and own mental health instead. In reality, your friend needs you far less and should be left to be dealt with people who actually have a much better chance to help her.

No way.
She's clearly very, very ill.
She could do anything in your home.
She needs professional help and you are not equipped or trained to give her that.

She needs to go into some sort of staffed shelterered accommodation, not private rental.

I'd have to say no too , I'm all for helping and I sympathise I have a friend who suffers a similar illness . But no especially as she has stayed before she is unwell and you are not able to care for her .

IM sorry but she isnt your responsibility, you cannot be her support and crutch, you have a child, it would also cause problems with your benefits.

I know you feel guilty and are trying to help in any way. But I think you need to ring the ward as a pp said and ensure they know you're not an option.
And then I'd back off for a bit, if the professionals see you running around trying to sort everyone think they'll try to draw you in. After all you're their perfect solution.
She's surrounded by professionals who deal with this situation regularly and tbh they don't need your help. Let her be homed, send her a card etc but she needs professional help at the moment.

Put your kid first
And dont let your friend stay with you

@Krampusasbabysitter

Reading the update that your friend is actually currently sectioned I am wondering why on earth you are involving yourself to that extent! Sorry to come across as harsh but you are creating a drama and circus when there is zero need to do so. She is currently at a much better point with access to professional help and far more potential at receiving the right kind of support. You sticking your oar in now if anything is counterproductive because instead of her having the possibility of receiving relevant professional ‘aftercare’ and a chance of emergency accommodation, with you involving yourself to seek something private to rent will return her sooner or later to the same stalemate situation she was in before. Don’t try to white-knight and turn yourself into a martyr and focus on your child and own mental health instead. In reality, your friend needs you far less and should be left to be dealt with people who actually have a much better chance to help her.

I agree with this. Your heart is in the right place but you should step back a bit and leave it to the professionals, it doesn't make you a lesser friend

I've rung the ward. They say council waiting lists are very long. Temporary accommodation is suspended due to Covid. The only emergency option would be in a sort of dormitory shelter for a few nights,which they say would be no good for her MH. Private Rent is the only option,that's what I've been told.

@Krampusasbabysitter - you're not being harsh! I get it, I am very invested but now I have made it clear that I am not an option,so the staff know. I'm not inserting myself into the situation for no reason ,she is begging,hysterical, threatening to harm, etc etc and it's just so hard to bare..hard to switch off when it's someone I've been close to for decades.