To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

[Sangham]

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

Thank you everyone. I'll try to answer some questions.

Where she is now?..unfortunately she was sectioned again so is in an MH facility. Due to be discharged though ,but obviously nowhere to be discharged to.

Eviction, without going into massive details, because of the " set up", it is lawful what has happened ( I rang an advice line) so there is no grace period to look for anything else, or legal route to go down.

Family support? Her family have bent over backwards through the years, with help. (As PPs said, they have kids of their own to consider.) She resents her family a lot of the times as she sees it as them trying to control her. Plus the help is never enough or done for their own selfish reasons ,she says.

I think though that they are assuming I'm " taking this on" and so have stepped back (as in if they all say no,then they know me and what I'm like so are sure that I'll step up.).

It's a horrible situation for anybody who's involved.

Morning Op,

Was she voluntarily, or compulsorily sectioned?

If she was compulsorily sectioned this will I think actually open up additional support for her. She should then get Section 117 funding from a combination of the council and the NHS. I don't think this is means tested. She should have a case worker who can work out what aftercare she needs to stay on track as much as possible. It might be that she needs something like supported accommodation where someone can make sure she is taking her meds or something?

I agree with everyone else that you can't make it your responsibility. But if you did feel able (and you don't have to feel able to) advocating for her might be really valuable, or even talking to her family to see if they can advocate for her - particularly in relation to her getting the treatment she needs after discharge.

I think it's called S117 Aftercare funding in my area.

All the best OP, it's really hard to watch someone going through this stuff.

So she’s safe right now. I have no experience in this. My take would be the facility has a duty of care to ensure she is discharged to a safe place. You’re not offering a safe place (as it would be unsafe for your child) and therefore she needs to be placed elsewhere. But I could be misguided in my thinking.

@Nacreous it certainly wasn't voluntary. Not sure of the exact circumstances but I know from the past that she would be totally psychotic, as in you cant make sense of anything she says.....but still tell you after that there was no need for any intervention.

Do you think they will definitely rehome her?? They cant just send her onto the streets can they?

@Mummyoflittledragon I'm getting lost in who is responsible, everyone seems to think it's someone else, MH team dont think the council will help,so havent done anything.

If she is sectioned then this is the worst time to offer help. They will have to arrange something for her discharge and if that’s you then there won’t be anything offered later. She would never leave and never have anywhere to go. Just back off, don’t get involved. Later when she is more stable and housed you can visit if you like but not now.

@charlieiscool - that is what I've thought.If the council or MH team think someone has taken her in, they are not going to assist are they? She wont be their problem anymore.

If she's been sectioned and they're looking to discharge her then they have a duty of care for accommodation for her to go to. The referral will presumably be circulated around any accomadation within the local vacinity as the council will need local connection to fund. Potentially she may end up in a B&B, but they can't discharge her if she'll be technically street homeless. The problem if she returns to your house is then effectively she isn't 'homeless', and she gets bumped down the list.

It appears Catsup has more knowledge than me and confirmed my thoughts. I definitely would not have her released to you. You will struggle to get rid of her. She will be wild and scream the place down by the sound of it if you try.

@IceFrost

I was all for letting her stay until you said you had a child.

No chance would I with a child. I wouldn’t have my child around someone like that in a million years.

Someone like that?

She is ill, talk about stigma around Mental Health. You should be ashamed.

@Catsup thank you. It just looks as though nobody is doing anything,and the discharge day is getting closer and closer.

@Mummyoflittledragon that is accurate, I feel I'd then be in the role of carer with full responsibility.

OP stay away from the massive responsibility this is... do not engage 🌺

No don’t take this on. Do you feel ok not to do this now? The thread is fairly consistent as a no

No way, your child comes first. She needs to tell the council shes homeless and she ll get a place. She will be safe and warm.

No and tell her you would loose U/C if she moved in and that she frightened your child last time .

If you don’t help her then she will officially be homeless and put to the top of any
Housing list. Probably put in temp accommodation first. You absolutely should not let her stay. It’s just far too risky for your kid xxx

Thank you all so much. It is pretty unanimous, I definitely understand the few who dont agree,and I'm grateful for every single one of the comments.

I'm going to try again today to navigate the system. I am emotionally involved and cant just let go.

The fact it is illness and stigmatised as a PP said makes it so hard, because it is not her fault, it could happen to anyone.

@rwalker - oh my goodness, I never even thought of that financial aspect! Good point, we'd be totally up the creek.

You can definitely make it clear to her discharge team that you are NOT housing her and you are NOT taking her on as you have a small child and you can’t be responsible for her as well. This may enable them to be more proactive in helping her find suitable housing. They’re only going to work with the information they’re getting from her. If she has repeatedly had you to fall back on in the past and you have complied, they may simply assume that this will continue.

It's lovely that you're supporting her. You can fully help push to see where she will be moving on to, and act as an advocate for her. I'd be asking if she'll be assigned a CPN, if they're registering her with a GP to whichever location she's placed in, will she be issued a meds script to tide her over, are the Crisis Team stepping in for daily visits if needed for the first few days of settlement? Also if all her welfare benefits are maximised?

In an earlier post, you used the word ‘guilt-tripping’. No one should be forced to do something they don’t want to.

Her health and well-being are not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to your child.

You can be a friend by pointing her in the right direction.

You just can't.
Stick to that.

OP, I have PM'd you.

With a young child to protect, you would be unreasonable to let her stay.

Op I can only echo everyone else - don’t let her guilt trip you into letting her stay with you. If needs be tell her that she is not being fair and is guilt tripping you - sometimes calling out this behaviour is a way to stop it.

I would also be very wary of saying that the reason you don’t want her there is because of your child - if she is delusional she might just put 2 and 2 together and get a horrible 5 - by thinking that therefore means you would be able to help if your child wasn’t there... and therefore try to hurt your child in some way.

Obviously this is something that she wouldn’t normally dream of thinking but you just need her to have that one little flash of connection in her mind and if she’s ill it could be the thing she fixated on.

Now that you’ve realised about the financial problems that would be caused if she moved in it sounds a whole lot safer as a thing to say - along with the excellent, very bland, cover everything and saying nothing excuse suggested earlier.

I would also talk to somebody on the ward and her discharge team to reiterate that friend is trying to guilt trip you into having her but with everything going on at the moment in your life there is absolutely no way you can have her - and to ignore your friend if she tries to say that you have chAnged your mind or that you have agreed - it isn’t happening.

Good luck for both of you - it can be heartbreaking being the one feeling that you are their last resort but that you can’t help.

In the circumstances you described I would allow her to stay tonight then take her to the housing department tomorrow who will help her get a hostel place or perhaps a bedsit. They will be in some sort of lockdown but will be operational