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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let homeless friend stay temporarily

231 replies

Sangham · 09/11/2020 21:39

I feel guilty. Background is that she has mental health issues ( diagnosed with some kind of schizophrenia illness but doesnt stay on meds all the time). I've tried to be there for her, spent hours listening, advocated for her, lent money ( which she did pay back). She can be a lovely person and I feel heartbroken for her. She had a high flying career,but lost it due to her condition.

I let her stay once before but she began to decline,and caused real chaos in my home, got a fixation that she was being filmed by cameras in the lights,got paranoid and ended up being picked up by police outside for her behaviour and admitted into a hospital. She said the government had abducted her as she knew too much. It was frightening to be honest. Then she came out and did okay for a while.

Fast forward to now, and the latest crisis is that she doesn't have a home. She's lost it through breaking the tenancy agreement. Again,she said that it was because she had been summoned to go undercover due to her insider information .In reality she hadn't paid her rent.

So.... No home, no money,nowhere to turn. She's asked to stay just for a couple of weeks.
I'm afraid she wont leave. I'm wondering if she will go off the rails. I'm also thinking that council etc wont help her if she is already living somewhere. Plus I have a young child who doesnt need to witness the sort of behaviour she can display ( even though she cant help it). I'm also on UC and money is tight.

I feel horrible saying no,I feel so sorry for her. It's not her fault is it? Am I selfish? Would you let her stay?

OP posts:
Marshmallow91 · 09/11/2020 22:09

I have a young child. I also have serious mental health issues (which are thankfully well under control as I always take my medication). I feel like I can see from both you and your friends eyes in this scenario.

I know I'm not the first to tell you, and I seriously doubt I'll be the last - DO NOT LET HER STAY.

You won't actually be helping her. You would be 'fixing' a problem that has been created by her. Of course you can offer support, and as one helpful poster above suggested, you can advocate for her in order for her to get the best help she can.
But as I mentioned, she has done this to herself, because she is too unwell. She needs professional support to ensure this doesn't happen again - whether that is the organisation of an inpatient program at her local hospital, weekly injections of certain medicines, or carers to come in and make sure she is taking her meds daily.

Puting a plaster on a gaping wound will hold it together for a very short time - like giving her somewhere to live. But you won't actually be helping her by doing so, because what she actually needs is to find the best professional resources to help her - which you can help with.

I suggest a reply along the lines of:

Dear friend,

I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I sincerely want to help you, but in order to do that I have to also be responsible and put my child first. In your current frame of mind, it means that I will be unable to provide you with somewhere to stay. I can help you find somewhere though, through insert local council name here and help you get yourself back. I love you.

It may seem a bit formal, but in my experience when you are surrounded by such darkness, clouding 90% of your vision, thoughts and feelings, it needs to be simple and straightforward. If she's off her meds, she may even tell you to fuck off - BUT - when she eventually comes round to reality, she'll understand and know you had a no choice.

Regardless of what she says, please try to get support for her.

If you need anything, please don't hesitate to get in touch with me.

TheLazyToad · 09/11/2020 22:11

I did this once before (had a friend with severe mental issues move in temporarily), and it was a nightmare. My children witnessed self-harming, talk about suicide, and I had to call an ambulance more than once. They had to learn not to leave anything out which could potentially be used for self-harming too.

I felt very guilty at saying no once she was later released from an inpatient unit, but I couldn't put my family through it again.

Don't do it. You can be there for support without allowing her to move in.

Original poster
Sangham · 09/11/2020 22:11

In answer to pp, yes she has family. None of them will agree to house her,not even for a little bit. She cant understand why really. I can though.. but she thinks she's normal and everyone else is wrong, one day they/ we will realise she was right all along, according to her.

It's so sad.support is patchy, and I'm really afraid she will not be helped. But I have to accept I just cant do it.

OP posts:
Temporary1234 · 09/11/2020 22:12

Just come up with a fake excuse that sounds plausible and don’t do it.

I’m all for being honest but I think with her condition she easily would become cynical of you if you hurt her feelings and so to be able to help her as a friend you need to be very delicate

CountreeGurl · 09/11/2020 22:13

I would say no if you can find her somewhere else, but I couldn't say no if it meant her sleeping on the streets, I just couldn't do that to anyone!

HollowTalk · 09/11/2020 22:13

No, not with a young child in particular. Also the fact she's not committed to taking her meds means that her behaviour will be all over the place.

dolphinpose · 09/11/2020 22:15

No, don't let her stay. Be very honest and kind. Say you have to put DC first and her illness is very scary to witness. Also say that you believe when she is ill she needs professional support, not the kind of support a friend offers and she won't get flagged as needing housing while she is sofa surfing at yours.

OrangeIsTheNewTwat · 09/11/2020 22:16

I've been homeless (this year). You are right, the council won't offer her anywhere if they think she has somewhere to stay. However inconvenient it might be. Perhaps you can support her in other ways? See if you can help her get an appointment with the council regarding housing assistance?

Audreyseyebrows · 09/11/2020 22:19

Put your child first.

Original poster
Sangham · 09/11/2020 22:20

So many helpful replies,thank you. I have none else really to ask,so no idea. It's awful though,as she threatens she will do something ( to herself) and I end up feeling responsible ☹. I know it sounds dreadful but I honestly wish I'd never met her,as I dont know how to deal with it. Whatever I do is wrong for somebody

OP posts:
Anothermother3 · 09/11/2020 22:22

Can you tell her mental health team she’s homeless? You can ask for them to have the info in confidence but if she’s deteriorating perhaps they could support her with housing as a means of engaging her. That’s so hard. I only have friends who are well controlled on meds but i wouldn’t have someone that unwell around my children as awful as it is that she didn’t choose to be severely unwell.

BeaMends · 09/11/2020 22:22

You have to put your dc before your friend - I agree with everyone else who says don't do it.

Original poster
Sangham · 09/11/2020 22:25

@Marshmallow91 I think you have this 100% spot on.

@CountreeGurl yes this is what I struggle with.....

Sorry dont know how to quote.

OP posts:
OhDearMuriel · 09/11/2020 22:25

No absolutely not and that's child or no child involved.
From what you say she's also delusional and that's extremely serious.
Potentially she could even hurt you and your child.
No offence to the poor women but I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if she was under the same roof because there's no telling what she might do.

Temporary1234 · 09/11/2020 22:27

Aweful posifij did you to be in.

I can totally relate.

If you feel unable to cope with the friendship expectations then offer less and less of your time.

It feels aweful to say but I don’t think as a friend you are in the right position to help her and I don’t think it’s healthy for you to feel so defenseless in case she had a violant episode.

It will be hard for you to protect your boundaries around her. So even though u love and care for her, try be discrete with your support so she doesn’t come to expect it and try to be remote..

She needs to eventually realize not taking her medication will be detrimental.

OrangeIsTheNewTwat · 09/11/2020 22:27

I'd also see if there's any way you can support her in getting some kind of regular (i.e. official) support to try to reduce the risk of her coming off her medication again. I don't actually know if such a thing exists but it's worth a try. If she's in temporary housing of any kind, they tend to have fairly strict rules. If she's unable to regulate her behaviour because she's off her meds, she's much more likely to lose her place.

OhDearMuriel · 09/11/2020 22:33

@Sangham
Don't feel bad about wishing you'd never met her.
Believe me you will not be the only one she knows thinking this.
She is unfortunately a huge liability and needs professional help -although of course in her mind it's everyone else that's affected.
It's very sad.

rainkeepsfallingdown · 09/11/2020 22:33

Be her advocate, if she'll let you.

But don't move her into your home. She sounds like she poses a danger to herself and others when she's at her most ill - can you imagine how you would feel if she hurt your DD? Can you imagine how she would feel if she was lucid and was told what she had done? You'd both be heartbroken.

TBH, even if it was just you, I'd think twice. She sounds like she needs more support than you're trained to give her, whilst keeping yourself safe.

They always teach you in first aid that your first priority is in keeping yourself safe, because you can't help anyone if you're in no condition to do so. Similar logic applies here. Protect yourself, and advocate on her behalf to the council/her doctors. That's the smartest way to help.

EatTheHamTina · 09/11/2020 22:33

No I'd worry for my child. And if it's anything like my local council once someone is housing you they don't see you as a priority.

OhDearMuriel · 09/11/2020 22:36

@Sangham
And really it is down to her family to help her with accommodation and continuing with the right medication etc.
Dealing with these authorities is long-winded and time consuming. It really is her family that 'should' be doing this for her.

DorisDaisyMay · 09/11/2020 22:37

I think you have had her in your home before and it didn’t work out and so this second time calls for tighter boundaries.

Having been in a similar situation all we did was push the problem along the road and it didn’t help in the end. Actually in hindsight, not helping would have meant our friend would have got supper quicker.

DorisDaisyMay · 09/11/2020 22:37

Support not supper!

notangelinajolie · 09/11/2020 22:39

No, protect your child.

TheyreComingToGetYouBarbara · 09/11/2020 22:39

I'd worry about my own safety, much less that of your child. If she has family, they should be the ones stepping up to advocate for her.

The only way I'd consider it would be if it was the first time and she was committed to staying on her meds (and even then I'd be keeping close watch to make sure she actually took them and wasn't spinning out of control again). Since you've already tried this without success and she's not staying medicated, not even able to see that it's not the rest of the world that's "off"... No, there's no way I'd agree.

itchyfinger · 09/11/2020 22:40

Gosh no. The only person you need to feel responsibility to is your own child. Your friend needs serious help, not a place to crash for a couple of weeks.