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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS bullying a child at school

547 replies

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 01:45

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

OP posts:
peachesandclean · 07/11/2020 01:49

personally I'd be a a hell of a lot angrier than you seemingly are

HooverWhenTheCoastIsClear · 07/11/2020 01:49

Good for you stopping it.
Get him to work to buy a new blazer.

Is your son showing off to try and fit in? Getting bullied himself?

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 07/11/2020 01:50

Oh this must be really difficult - I was also bullied at school and I would be incredibly angry and disappointed if my child did the same.

In all honesty I would come down on them like a ton of bricks - grounded, confiscation of phone, consoles etc. plus apology to the child and parents as an absolute minimum. He needs to understand the seriousness of this, as you probably know bullying can lead to mental health issues for life. It needs to be stopped now.

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 01:52

I'm really angry. DH also. So frustrated with DS as we know he knows better. He's not being bullied at school. He's very confident and plays the fool unfortunately.

Making him pay for the blazer is spot on!

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Boomclaps · 07/11/2020 01:52

Chores for the cost of the new blazer for a start.
A written apology to the kid.
Making sure school know and they follow consequences.
Also letting your son know that actually some teenagers go on to inflict serious harm on others psychologically- and people can self harm or worse.
There is no way this is ok

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2020 01:53

No WhatsApp ever again and he can give the kid his blazer.

Anordinarymum · 07/11/2020 01:54

Lots of reasons why children bully others. Sometimes they do it to show off to other peers, which means they are insecure. It's unacceptable and needs stopping but I would want to know why my child was doing it particularly given that he had a nice home life and was not being bullied himself.

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 02:03

We're not the strictest parents in the world but we aren't lenient by any means. DS always seems to not care about any rules set by us or the school. If he thinks he can get away with something he will just do it which really worries us.

@Anordinarymum I think it is to fit in with his friends as he will make them all laugh and I'm sure he's thinking he looks great!

He's been caught before bullying via WhatsApp and we took his phone away for months and months until we beloved he'd earned enough trust to get it back. We also made him apologise to both parent and child.

Currently he's only allowed WhatsApp as I can't trust him to use Snapchat or Instagram or Facebook properly.

Chores to earn money for the blazer (which isn't cheap) an apology to both child and parent are a great start

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orangesalad · 07/11/2020 02:04

*believed

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Anordinarymum · 07/11/2020 02:09

He needs to know and accept that what he is doing is cruel. If he has a 'devil may care' attitude you need to start sanctions, and school needs to get on board with this.

Hercwasonaroll · 07/11/2020 02:38

If this is what you have found out, I guarantee there is worse he hasn't told you.

I'd go nuclear
No phone, no Internet, nothing because he can't be trusted. Even if it makes lockdown hard, he sounds like a nightmare. Letter of apology for the boy and he needs to earn money for a new blazer.

You need a system of consequences that work.

nixnjj · 07/11/2020 02:42

Google bullied to suicide uk and look through it together and let him see the effect it has not just on others but on you, be brutally honest and tell him your story and let him see your pain.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position

blubberball · 07/11/2020 02:47

I've always told my ds's that I won't have them being bullied, but I won't have them being bullies either. I've been on both sides of bullying, having been bullied myself at school for having ginger hair, my ds's have been bullied at some points, and at other points they have been bullied themselves.

I think that it's sometimes difficult for some parents to talk about/care when their dc are being bullies. They either minimise it as only playing, or banter, or they think their dc is a little angel, or they think it's funny themselves and don't care. So it's good that you do care, and this is an important teaching moment.

In the past when my ds was bullying and being unkind, he was very young, about 7. His teacher took me aside and said that although he wasn't picking on any one particular child, he was generally going around pulling hair and standing on kid's hands when they were sitting on the carpet. I honestly came down on him like a ton of bricks on the way home from school, and took away his treats and his privileges that evening. I nipped it in the budd there and then, and we didn't have any more problems.

Likewise, when he was being bullied a short time later, I was taking it extremely seriously and straight up the school. Speaking to teachers, then head of year and then putting it in writing and taking it further each time when the school weren't taking it seriously.

My younger ds was trickier, because he has SEN, although the same rules apply to him. Luckily his head teacher was brilliant and called me and the other parent up to the school when he was pestering his dd, as they put it. Again, they were about 7. After we spoke about it, we brought in my ds and his dd, and I reminded ds about keeping his hands to himself and he apologised to the little girl. We didn't have any more problems. My younger ds has also been on the receiving end of bullying, which I take seriously and deal with as it comes up.

Sorry for the long post, but yes you absolutely need to take this behaviour extremely seriously. This is behaviour and a boundary you should have zero tolerance. You should work with the school, you ds should be made to apologise, in writing and verbally, and lose privileges, work to pay for a new blazer. This is absolutely a teaching moment, and an opportunity to set him on the right path. Hopefully these things will help the other child feel better and valued too. Being bullied can make you feel pretty worthless, and like no body cares, listens or takes you seriously.

Good luck op Flowers

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 02:50

Consequences haven't worked in the past however I've recently learned that it's the type of consequence. Phone and internet getting taken away will happen but in the past it hasn't stopped the behaviour and he doesn't seem too bothered... However he detests washing up or anything that gets his hands dirty, homework and doesn't like parting with his money so I have that to work with this time. He will be doing chores to pay for a new blazer and will also be taking away his phone and console for the foreseeable. I cannot believe he's tipped food on another child I'm fuming. If someone did that to one of my kids I would hit the roof

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Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2020 03:14

I would be really upset in your position. I know this is an age, where empathy goes out of the window. It sounds as though your ds is a bit of a prankster, probably showing off to his mates and not understanding the seriousness of his actions. I think talking to your him even if he isn’t listening about the effect he could have on the other boy.

I totally agree with using whatever currency works as a punishment for this. A written apology both to the boy and his parents. If he has the money, I’d be tempted to get him to pay for the blazer outright as well as getting him to do chores. Then maybe if he does the chores well for a week, you could start to give him pocket money based on his behaviour and the help he gives you.

Anordinarymum · 07/11/2020 03:20

He needs to learn where the boundaries are and fast. At 13 boys can be headstrong, and puberty kicking in is confusing and disturbing. They can rebel against parents and it's hard to control them when they are behaving like this.
(mum of two boys)
Be hard and come down on him like a ton of bloody bricks for his own good.

Monty27 · 07/11/2020 03:23

@Boomclaps

Chores for the cost of the new blazer for a start. A written apology to the kid. Making sure school know and they follow consequences. Also letting your son know that actually some teenagers go on to inflict serious harm on others psychologically- and people can self harm or worse. There is no way this is ok
Absolutely that ^^ With bells on 😡
MrsTerryPratchett · 07/11/2020 03:29

If internet removal doesn't have any effect, why not just take him off SM altogether? If he doesn't care, and SM is bad for his relationships, just ban it altogether.

PhilCornwall1 · 07/11/2020 05:56

Wondering if your son is at my youngests school. Sounds like what happened to my son this week. I will be going in there.

If it was me, I'd be coming down on him like a tonne of bricks. He'd have everything he likes removed, he'd go to school and come home and then go nowhere else and have no way of communicating with his "friends" outside school.

Having been on the receiving end of a bully at school, they piss me off. The best thing that could happen to him is, he picks on the wrong one and gets a bloody good hiding. He'd learn a quick and valuable lesson.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 07/11/2020 06:18

I’ll second chores to pay for blazer, also confiscate phone for a week.

Mintjulia · 07/11/2020 06:19

I'd take him to the boy's house and make him apologise to the other child. Make him pay for a new blazer. And no WhatsApp until after Xmas.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2020 06:24

Does your ds even need his phone right now? He should be going to school and coming home immediately. If it is just for communicating with his friends, he can do this at school. It sounds as if he needs a bit of a deprogramming anyway. We are in lockdown so he can only meet one person. I’d be grounding him for sure this weekend.

Mumofriverandcats1 · 07/11/2020 06:28

I would flip out. Yes talk to him about what's going on, but personally i would be taking any luxuries off him and him having to earn it back xbox, smart phone etc I would even go as far as to say he sells one to buy a new blazer and a gift to say sorry.

PhilCornwall1 · 07/11/2020 06:35

@Mumofriverandcats1

I would flip out. Yes talk to him about what's going on, but personally i would be taking any luxuries off him and him having to earn it back xbox, smart phone etc I would even go as far as to say he sells one to buy a new blazer and a gift to say sorry.
Replacing the blazer I agree with.

I wouldn't have thought the other child is going to want a gift from him. Every time he looks at it, it'll be a reminder of why he got it, why would he want it? You can't buy an apology to make yourself feel better.

Sawyersfishbiscuits · 07/11/2020 06:37

Just reading this post made me think of my school bullies. I hope this poor kid hasn't had this since Year 7. Not necessarily from your son but from any group of cocky kids who think it's funny.
Hopefully this is a one off, because to be honest, I'm in my 40s and I still think of my bullies almost every day still.

I think the most important thing you can do is to teach him empathy. And to find out why they targeted this particular kid, once you know that then it will be easier to find a suitable consequence.

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