DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

He doesn't just need to see that you're angry with him, he needs to see how disgusted you are. Kids often shrug off their parents being annoyed because it happens a lot in the course of raising teenagers, but if he sees how utterly ashamed you are of him, maybe it'll stop him up in his tracks. Because you should be ashamed. He's tormenting and systematically bullying a weaker child and he's got form for doing it. It's despicable behaviour and you and your DH should really being taking a long hard look at how you've all got to this point, because it sounds like you're lenient with him in general and he's running rings around you.

Girl not girls only one!

• he buys a new blazer
• written apology
• face to face apology with adults present
• no tech whatsoever
• chores, chores, chores
• take the WhatsApp content into school, and push them for the harshest punishment possible
• check everything on his phone for evidence of anything else he has done that's foul, repeat above step if anything is found

And if you're truly concerned that your son has zero empathy... Get medical help.

Dial down the anger and up the disgust you feel. And make sure he knows how disgusted you are at every single opportunity.

You could show him this article as well - exactly the same situation but with the worst of consequences.
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7292231/amp/Heartbroken-mother-releases-image-13-year-old-dying-hospital-pupil-threw-cheese-him.html

That poor child, he must be so upset and humilated. If this was my child doin g this I would march him down to the school and make him apologise in person. Let your son know how it feels to be humilated in public.

I’d March him round to the child’s house to tell the parents what he did and apologise

Developing empathy is the best way to deal with this. I’d really go mad about this then and show him some information on the effects of bullying.
Ask him what he thinks it feels like to come to school to be bullied and what it must be like for that child?
There are lots of charities that deal with bullying. Have a look, gather some information, maybe even get him to raise some money for them.

Don’t stop there though. Work on his empathy continually, get him involved in some charity work. Even little things like putting some of his own money in a donation box, buying a couple of items for the food bank in the supermarket, let him choose a charity and he can do something to raise some money. There are opportunities to become a youth ambassador for lots of different things.
Watch some films which are about bullying or accepting people for who they are.
This is something that will take a while but will help in the long run.

Also other major consequences. This will stay with this child for the rest of his life. I can still clearly remember incidents of bullying towards me and I'm nearly 50.

Kidscape might be worth a look for you. They address how to support children who are experiencing bullying but may also have resources for parents in your position.

Is there an underlying reason? If not I’d come down so hard on him.

Being bullied is awful absolutely awful.

Encourage the other child’s parents to press charges of assault or report him to the police yourself. If sanctions etc haven’t worked in the past they are not going to work now. Go in hard.

I would make him write.an an essay on what he did, why it was wrong and why bullying must stop and ask the headteacher to make him read it out in front of the school

Has he savings in his bedroom? Take that and buy a new blazer for the poor child.

• make your son go into school without a blazer for at least a day or two. He will no doubt be told off by teachers, asked to explain why he isn’t wearing one.

• Your son is to blame. Full stop. But i would also try and find out who his friends are and inform their parents. If he knows you’ve made him look a fool in front of his friends, and also that his friends potentially are in trouble too with their parents it could help towards stopping this group mentality of trying to show off

• What does he also hate doing? Make him do that.

• tell him if it continues you will remove him from the school and make him go to a new school where he won’t fit in or have any friends.

Bullying is disgusting behaviour - I’m just thankful you’ve the ability to find out via what’s app.

I was bullied at school and it stayed with me for years. I was terrified to walk home from school alone. My parents were busy working so it went unnoticed - I even begged to go to a different local school.

Thankfully when it came to sixth form I moved to a college and it all stopped. I still now suffer with believing people are laughing about me etc.

Good luck.

Before his phone is removed, could you insist he sends a message to his friends saying what an idiot he’s been? I suppose the rush is that on Monday he’ll back track.

OP you sound full of excuses and not really willing to address your DS behaviour. He has done of of the most humiliating things possible to another human being.

You need to make consequences work. You need to find what he is bothered about and use it. This will be the tip of the iceberg otherwise. Think about that other poor child's feelings.

As a PP said, I'd be encouraging the other parents to press charges. At the very least a conversation with the police. This could be something school could possibly organise.

This needs to come from both of you, his father needs to be stepping in too. Maybe he should deal with the school, otherwise your son Has an opportunity to minimise this as women over reacting. I am also concerned that he took the time to label the other child crazy, it shows a level of manipulation and planning. Whilst he spun you that narrative he was revelling in it on WhatsApp.

So your son has bullied people before and has an inferior attitude. Where does he get this from? Hmm.

You know if he behaved this way as an adult, he would be done by the police.

You don’t even seem that angry. A few chores and paying for a blazer isn’t good enough.

Well done for taking it seriously. Stick to your guns no matter what excuses he comes up with.
•Remove the phone and make it clear that if he ever gets it back he won’t be in the what’s app group again as he’s using it to show off.
•Yes to making him earn money to pay for the blazer.
•A written apology to the child and separate one to the parents.
• Ask school to ensure a personal apology is made too.
•Ask school to set their own consequences.
• Start work on empathy asap. Get professional help if think you might need it. I would seriously consider counselling, it’s very possible there is an underlying issue.

Endless sanctions that break down your relationship can be counter productive. Clearly their should be specific sanctions but you need to focus on empathy. There are a thousand ways to be an unkind shit that won’t get him in trouble but as his emotional intelligence builds he can be encouraged away from this behaviour more generally. I would look to build your connection with him and to encourage him to explore material that makes explicit how others’ feel. Many confident brash boys who are happy in themselves haven’t really ever understood how some of the less confident more anxious kids feel. That school haven’t seen this is also an issue - a child who is attacked in the hall, blazer put in the bin.. there is a problem with culture and supervision.

Punishment is necessary but I think the import thing here is his lack of empathy. Many young people are too self centred to really think about other peoples perspective and it sounds like your son needs to be forced to think about it.
Have him write an essay about bullying and research the effects and also do a piece of creative writing about what happened from the point of view of the victim. No phone till it’s done. I also agree with previous posters about telling him about when you were bullied. I think showing him you are beyond ferocious and extremely disappointed is key. This could be a real pivotal point in preventing him becoming the kind of man who finds enjoyment in the suffering of people he sees as lesser.

Encourage the other child’s parents to press charges of assault or report him to the police yourself.

My eldest once being handy at junior school and was being a complete shit, so that's exactly what I did. The Police came into the school to speak to him, apparently he was absolutely shitting himself. He never has done anything like it again and he's 18 now.

I was told by a few people I was cruel to do that, but I consider what he did worse. He learnt a lesson.

What disgusting behaviour.
It needs to come from both parents. What will give him that fear/ that realisation of how badly he’s fucked up. I would go in hard. Definitely remove tech, particularly if that doesn’t bother him. He will probably be given an old phone by someone so you need to do more.
How the school deals with bullying too would be helpful in this scenario. He could well get a visit from the police for assault. May make him wake up to his actions.

All these people saying ‘he would pay for the blazer’ don’t understand how bullying works. All that would happen is the poor kid would get bullied more, with “I bought your blazer”.

Personally I would pay the parents for a new blazer with no discussion of that with my child. He would lose all privileges. No phone, trips, new clothes bar what he absolutely needed. His Christmas money would go to the poor. I would stamp on this, OP.