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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DS bullying a child at school

547 replies

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 01:45

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

OP posts:
Rollmopsrule · 07/11/2020 08:27

I agree with another poster. Alert the school so they can keep an eye on the situation and punish your son aswell. The other child may be too embarrassed or afraid to tell anyone.

JaffaCake70 · 07/11/2020 08:28

@orangesalad

We're not the strictest parents in the world but we aren't lenient by any means. DS always seems to not care about any rules set by us or the school. If he thinks he can get away with something he will just do it which really worries us.

@Anordinarymum I think it is to fit in with his friends as he will make them all laugh and I'm sure he's thinking he looks great!

He's been caught before bullying via WhatsApp and we took his phone away for months and months until we beloved he'd earned enough trust to get it back. We also made him apologise to both parent and child.

Currently he's only allowed WhatsApp as I can't trust him to use Snapchat or Instagram or Facebook properly.

Chores to earn money for the blazer (which isn't cheap) an apology to both child and parent are a great start

I wasn't the strictest parent in the world either (I didn't have a partner when my eldest DS was a teenager.

My DS also would do anything to fit in with his friends and make them laugh.

His behaviour spiralled out of control to the extent where, cutting a VERY long story short:

At age 17 he found himself in Young Offenders for 3 months for his part in a violent brawl in a pub.

At age 23 he was stabbed in the neck with a broken bottle in another brawl in a pub. The surgeon said "Three cm to the left and he would have been dead".

I'm not saying your Son will turn out like mine, but please come down on him like a ton of bricks. Boys need strict boundaries. Parents need to put those boundaries in place and stick to them.

lunar1 · 07/11/2020 08:29

Do the school know what happened? I think you are going to need to work with them. I imagine he will be suspended at the very least.

Whatever punishment/sanctions you decide on, you are going to have to spend the next 5 years working on his empathy. It's clearly lacking at the minute.

As a family I would be looking at bullying charities, accounts of victims, the effects on the family left behind of victims who have committed suicide.

This needs to be about more than finding an appropriate punishment, but about ensuring your son truly understands the consequences of his actions.

He needs to feel ashamed of what he did and it sounds like he isn't there yet.

ZoominMoomin · 07/11/2020 08:31

Behaviour like your son's is what drives people to self harming and suicide, and I honestly think that is what you need to drive home. If a child he bullied did go that far, I would drag him to the funeral and make him stand face to face with what he had done. People like your son only learn through the harshest ways. When I was a teen, a boy was bullying me on a daily basis through tactics like what your son implements and verbal. I had rotten food thrown on me and smeared into my long hair, clothes ripped off me, pushed, kicked, called a bitch and worst of all, I was laughed at because my Dad had died. I was told nearly daily to go and cut myself on my Dad's grave and kill myself. If you don't stop your son, it will escalate to behaviour like this. In the end, I had a mental breakdown at the age of 13/14 and had to leave school. It severely fucked up the quality of my education, my confidence and my mental health. All my friends deserted me. I left school with 1 qualification, and worst of all, I was so messed up by the ordeal I found it hard to eat and as a result nearly died from undereating. At 30 years old, I still think about it and get upset, sometimes I have nightmares about it and other times I think about going back in time and standing up for myself and beating the shit out of the little rat bastard. Your son needs to learn empathy, and pretty fucking quickly, or else who knows where he'll end up. What if he turns it towards women? What if he picks on the wrong lad and they lay him out flat and he ends up in hospital? I don't mean to cast judgement, but he sounds like a psychopath, the fact he's tried to manipulate the situation to sound like the other child was 'crazy'. Been there, done that. He needs harsh intervention and this instant. His behaviour is beyond disgusting and abhorrent.

Take away his phone. He's no longer allowed one until he can afford it.
No video games, because why should he deserve pleasure while another child is probably going through mental anguish at what has happened?
Talk to him THOROUGHLY about the fact that him being so disgusting to another child could cause them to end their life. That if that were to happen, you would force him to the funeral to fully absorb the consequences of his actions. Watch videos of people he admires (youtubers/celebs etc)talking about suicide and bullying.
Flip it on it's head - tell him to really think about how he would feel if he was the one getting dunked on. Or if he has siblings, what if it was them?
No socialising with the lads he has been gloating with. They are obviously the same.
Get him enlisted with the local Army Cadets if you have one local to you. It might give him a sense of purpose other than making other children's lives misery and being surrounded by nicer people might have a positive influence on him.
No Christmas. Sorry, but this type of behaviour doesn't deserve to be rewarded, especially so close to Christmas. Might be harsh, but that's what you get when you act an absolute fool.

I might sound angry and bitter, because yeah, I am. Children like yours ruined my best years and I am only just getting through it now, but he needs to learn before he ruins someone else's life or has his own messed up by picking on the wrong person.

Just food for thought.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 07/11/2020 08:31

I would fucking kill him. Hopefully he'll pick on the wrong kid and get a good hiding one day.

I would be working with the school on this and advising that if the other parents wish to get the police involced then I would be cooperating.

Don't just bother with one or two punishments as the nasty little turd clearly didn't learn from his 'punishments' last time. I'd be taking everything off him, laptop, phone, pocket money, he'd be doing chores for the next year. And that would be the tip of the iceberg.

I truly detest bullies.

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 08:32

Phone and internet getting taken away will happen but in the past it hasn't stopped the behaviour and he doesn't seem too bothered... However he detests washing up or anything that gets his hands dirty, homework and doesn't like parting with his money so I have that to work with this time. He will be doing chores to pay for a new blazer and will also be taking away his phone and console for the foreseeable. I cannot believe he's tipped food on another child I'm fuming. If someone did that to one of my kids I would hit the roof

OP, you are spot on. He will learn only if the consequence inconveniences/hurts him.

He can earn the money to replace the blazer doing jobs around the house. (I would start with washing up, taking bins out, cleaning bathroom).

The choice is simple. Earn money to pay for the blazer or forego any Christmas money.

Didntgetmydiamondring · 07/11/2020 08:34

That poor kid, and that poor kids parents. Sad They must be heartbroken knowing their child is the target of a nasty bully, and now he has no blazer.
Disgusting.

gypsywater · 07/11/2020 08:35

I honestly cant believe the viciousness of a group of teens who would actually tip food over another teenager. How cruel. How that teen must be feeling :(

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 08:37

Not to mention making it up to the boy.
How can this be done?
He cannot reverse the situation. The other boy has been humiliated and the effects of what has happened will last a long time.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/11/2020 08:39

He needs more than a talk. Definitely chores to pay for the jumper, and not £5 for washing the pots either, it has to actually be difficult and impact him. A spoken apology to the child in front of their peers. And tell the school so they can be proactive and hopefully he'll lose his dinner breaks for a week.
All areas of your parenting need to toughen up.

Lovemusic33 · 07/11/2020 08:42

I would be coming down in him like a ton of bricks, I’m shocked that you have left it to the morning to confront him.

My dd has been bullied constantly through school and it’s possible ruined her life, it will effect her for ever, she has low self esteem, she can’t look at herself in the mirror, she spent most of her childhood not going outside at break times and hiding at lunch times due to children like your ds, kids who thought it would be funny to call her names and do soul destroying things to embarrass her.

If I ever found out one of my kids had so much as called a child a name I would be so angry and disappointed.

He’s 13 and old enough to know better, also old enough to take punishment that’s appropriate. I would be handing the video over to the police tbh as well as the school. I hope he is punished appropriately by you and the school.

Maybe show him some videos from parents who have lost their kids to suicide, kids that have taken their lives because of bullying.

May09Bump · 07/11/2020 08:43

Well done OP, parenting is hard - but we lead by example, sounds like you have some options for consequences. Please don't take him to the child's house to apologise - his home is his safe place. Keep all contact in school and don't get him to buy the child a gift, sends wrong message (a gift will solve assault).

I'd also mention the police can get involved.

Tiredmum100 · 07/11/2020 08:46

This is my worst nightmare op. We tell our dc to stand up to bullies but never be the bully. It must be horrible to see how he's been behaving. I would be hitting the roof today. If he was one of my dc he would be apologising to the other child as well as paying for a new blazer, and having all his privileges taken away. That poor child is probably at home, upset, feeling low and scared about going back to school next week. It's heart breaking.

PhilCornwall1 · 07/11/2020 08:47

I would be working with the school on this

Depends how good the school is. My son told the teacher in the class he was having problems in what had happened, the teacher responded "oh well, go and sit down".

Crap response, so that teacher is going to be taken to task over it.

efc1878 · 07/11/2020 08:48

The school may have a severe punishment for him. My dc school would suspend a child for an incident like that.

I would be selling his phone and console and probably his bike on eBay. Basic clothes only- no named trainers or coats etc see if that brings him down a peg or two.

Also agree with pp some hard hitting discussions on outcomes of physical and emotional abuse.

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 08:50

Please don't take him to the child's house to apologise - his home is his safe place. Keep all contact in school and don't get him to buy the child a gift, sends wrong message (a gift will solve assault)

This.
I doubt the boy will W ant your DS anywhere near his house or a ‘gift’ from him.
TBH, there is no way for your son to make this right with the boy. The damage has been done.
The only comfort the boy might get is from knowing that your son has been called to account.

Cheeeeislifenow · 07/11/2020 08:50

Why are people saying op isn't angry enough? We can't see her. Op I empathize it's very hard to be the parent of the child who doesn't share your morals and who is always the one who has done wrong. I also think empathy is key, obviously the chores etc as well. I would find out stories of children who have tragically died by suicide and make him sit and watch and discuss discuss discussed.

TheSeedsOfADream · 07/11/2020 08:50

I agree with @flaviaritt.
I've taught teens for 27 years and bullies frequently see the punishment as a badge of honour and at the same time continue to use it as a stick to best their victims with.
Any contact between the bully and the victim needs to be handled by someone with their eyes wide open and not by someone who thinks that because the bully shakes his victim's hand and says sorry, it ends there. It very rarely does.

flaviaritt · 07/11/2020 08:51

Basic clothes only- no named trainers or coats etc see if that brings him down a peg or two.

As tempting as this is (and it would be very tempting) I wouldn’t do it for the reasons above. He is likely to take it out on the bullied child. Make the punishments private. Ground him until the end of the school year if you have to.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 08:51

I’m actually amazed you’re so calm. I don’t know why you let him sleep. I’m sure his victim didn’t have a nice restful night.

sst1234 · 07/11/2020 08:51

Your son sounds like a nasty piece of work, sorry. This deserves consequences. Take his phone away, ground him, take his luxuries and pocket money. Make him apologize to the other boy.

flaviaritt · 07/11/2020 08:52

TheSeedsOfADream

Absolutely right. Bullying behaviour can be very deep-rooted, with the bully seeking the approval of peers. A public apology would be horrible. A real bully (and it sounds like he is one) would use it to mock the victim.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 08:52

I would actually report him to the police. He physically assaulted another child. And in a way deliberately designed to humiliate that child.

The poor poor child.

(Not your son. He’s a violent bully. You have a serious problem on your hands)

Hylyma1234 · 07/11/2020 08:53

To be honest I would be fuming, firstly, I would temporarily remove his phone for mocking this poor boy online. I would tell my son he is responsible for replacing his blazer and I would have firm words with him about bullying people and how it can make them feel/impact them.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 07/11/2020 08:55

A mother of my acquaintance decided that, as her son was not able to behave as a decent human being, he needed to be acompanied to school, supervised there and accompanied home again. He was severly curtailed in his personal freedom. She thought protecting others from her child was important. And she followed through (different school system though).

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