DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

But whatever you do, don’t humiliate him. He will take it out on the other child.

As someone who was bullied at school, he sounds horrible and it is likely his behaviour will have a lasting impact on the poor kid he is targeting.
I would:

• take away his phone and (if he actually needs a phone) replace it with the most basic (non-smart) phone you can buy
• make him do chores to earn the cost of the blazer and warn him there will be no Xmas present if he hasn’t completed a set amount of chores by Xmas
• speak to school and support them in however they deal with the incident
• no xbox etc for the foreseeable future

I’m not sure having him apologise to his victim is a good idea. It would undoubtedly come across as forced and insincere. Maybe instead he can explain to his friends why he was trying to impress them and that he thought it made him look cool.

Another option is to have him write about what’s happened from the other child’s point of view - i.e. the child who was bullied. Make him really think about the anxiety, the fear, the humiliation, the sadness that that child was experiencing. That might actually improve his empathy more than lots of lecturing and dry facts.

Good luck OP - such an important thing to get right

I would be absolutely disgusted if my child was bullying like this. I would remove all privileges until you’re happy he’s reformed, lecture him on why it’s not acceptable and how disappointed in him to are. I would also get him to write an apology letter and get a meeting with school to see how they will suitably punish him and that they have your full backing.

Public apology! If he can do those things I’m front of a crowd he can bloody well apologise in front of a crowd too.

Make sure any confiscated items are hidden where he can’t access them - give them to a friend for safekeeping perhaps

But whatever you do, don’t humiliate him. He will take it out on the other child.

Eh?

I suggest OP being incredibly firm but objective. Make it absolutely clear that bullying will not be tolerated and that you are very very disappointed. Any further instances will result in phone being removed, grounding etc.

But bullying is fundamentally just foul, nasty, bad behaviour. It is behaviour that can be corrected. Because someone bullies someone as a teenager does not make them a reprehensible person for life. Generally they are just trying to look big and haven’t thought about how serious it is/ the impact on the victim.

Teateaandmoretea

What do you mean “Eh?”

I agree with @Prestissimo also - make him realise the impact consequences of his foul behaviour.

DS always seems to not care about any rules set by us or the school. If he thinks he can get away with something he will just do it which really worries us

The cats out the bad though now isn't it?

Dispicable behaviour, picking in the weak and vulnerable to look good in front of your mates.
Work with the school to find a way forward.
DS from here on in, keeps his head down , remembers why he actually attends school and goes nowhere near the victim ever again.

If it was my son and I'd previously caught him bullying via WhatsApp, his phone would be removed and replaced with a phone incapable of social media.

I would also set him the task of investigating the longterm effects of bullying and writing why it is wrong. The nspcc have some good material to start with but I think at 13 he'd be capable of writing 500-1000 words on the topic, using at least 3 sources for evidence. If he's not going to listen when you tell him he can read it for himself. If he still goes onto bully others, you know he really doesn't take any notice, and then I would be arranging for the police to have a word with him, particularly if his actions could be considered assault like tipping food over someone's head

@flaviaritt it’s the certainty you wrote it with it ‘will’ happen. It is one possibility, if the OP’s son really is of sociopathic tendency. Assuming he isn’t what you have written is unlikely.

You are obviously going to deal with this properly OP and it really shows the importance of checking your kids' phones. I also agree with the idea of looking at some real life examples of how bullying can lead to suicide and other mental health issues. He needs to understand the real impact on others.

Just an idea, how about getting him involved in volunteering, helping the ones in need. Almost like a "community service". I am not sure if at age of 13 they can get involved? It would be a chore to him to fulfil as punishment but also may develop empathy towards others by working with less fortunate and perhaps help understand how lucky and privileged he is x

I would have gone absolutely apoplectic, I’m surprised how calm you seem.
Get him to look at the story of Bradley John and other children who committed suicide because of bullies

I would be buying a child a new blazer
Calling the school to apologise
Removing all privileges and at that age seriously considering no Christmas presents.

This isn’t a bit of playground insult slinging this is vile behaviour and they fact they are laughing about it makes it pretty clear they will do it again.

My older sister has lifelong serious menthol health issues that stemmed from being badly bullied by an absolute psycho (the person in question is now serving a long prison sentence for a violent offence). Do not underestimate how serious the consequences to the other child can be.

Teateaandmoretea

🤷🏻‍♀️ It is what I think. I’m reasonably certain.

Tipping food on another kid is pretty extreme bullying. You need to come down so hard on this. You must be so appalled and worried.

Mental health that should say!

I would be furious too however I think getting angry with Ds straight away will just shut the conversation down from the off. Sit him down , tell him you know about the incident, see what he says then go from there. Work out the consequences your going to impose before the conversation. I think a parents disapointment is far more difficult for a child to take then anger which just brings the barriers up. If he keeps his phone make sure he knows you will be monitoring his phone regularly from now on - if he moans about it just say he's proven he is'nt mature enough yet to use it without guidence. Kids aren't the finished article so its a learning curve. Thank goodness you were monitoring his social media so you picked this up.

Agree with PPs though that you dont seem very angry at all?

Op can l just say thank you for taking this seriously, so many parents don't and make excuses all owing terrible bullying to go on.

My DS was bullied at a previous school and we had to take him to a councillor for a whole summer (and forgo our summer holiday due to the cost) I politely let the other mother know alongside the school, she denied the problem and was hostile.

My ds had to leave the school he loved due to this. The effect on him MH was severe.

So, please come down so hard, in all directions, show him the effects of bullying, take away all means of correspondance for a long period of time, cut all pocket money entirely, find what he loves and take it away until he matures enough to change his behaviour.

Again thank you, l wish you had been the mother of the boy who bullied my son and the effect may have been much less.

He needs to develop empathy. I would ring up the school and get them to punish him how they see fit. What are his interactions at home like? Do his siblings receive his ‘pranks’ well?

@flaviaritt and your certainty I think is ridiculous

Teateaandmoretea

Fine by me. I’m not trying to advise you, but the OP.