DS bullying a child at school

[orangesalad]

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

I sent the school an email and they called me a little while later. they are giving him a detention for the whole day tomorrow. They already knew of the incident and had taken statements from those involved however my DS wasn’t mentioned in any of it so they didn’t know he was involved up until I sent them the screenshots of his messages.

They said the blazer has been washed and is ok.

He went in without his own blazer and with his new coat without any fuss although I’m sure he wasn’t happy about it, I think he knows not to even try tbh and he’s in trouble.

Also forwarded his apology letters to the school so they can be passed on. Unfortunately I don’t know who the parents are, also the school is rural so it’s a drive through pick up system unfortunately so I couldn’t get him to do a face to face apology with me present.

Well done, you've done all that you can. Don't let this define him in your eyes. He needs the opportunity to improve.

Im not taking his Christmas presents away. Some of the advice and comments regarding my DS on here are abhorrent. What he did was disgusting and he’s being punished for it however he’s not a nasty piece of work or a cunt. We’ve all made mistakes in the past that have hurt others but that doesn’t make us all bad people... and I’m pretty sure if I made his life a living hell it would only making him worse

a cunt? delightful.

Just saw your update op, well done. Hopefully you have turned a corner with DS.

@randomer yes someone upthread called him a cunt 🤷‍♀️

Well done @orangesalad

Having RTFT I think the most important thing you've done is show your DS how seriously you are taking it, that you are contacting the school & ensuring he faces up to the consequences of his actions.

You've done the right thing & now it's time to see how your DS responds.

I'm sorry about some of the awful comments about your son.

Well done op...I'm so impressed with the way you have dealt with it ..xx Parenting is hard bliming work ...my lo is 4 so got it all to come lol xx good work and here's to a better future xx

Great work I've no doubt he learned a hard lesson. Once detention and home punishment is over leave it in the past unless he gives a reason to bring it up.

Sounds like a really positive outcome op. Well done. The challenge in coming down hard on inappropriate behaviour is to do so in such a way that the child accepts responsibility and avoids setting up revenge cycles. Tricky balancing act, but it sounds like your DC gets it.

Well done OP.

I think you’ve handled it really well. Some of the replies were bullying in themselves.

@peachesandclean

personally I'd be a a hell of a lot angrier than you seemingly are

That’s unfair

Well done OP, you sound like a great parent. I can’t believe someone would call him a cunt 😱 kids make mistakes.

Well done Op.

Sounds like things are being handled well by both you and the school

The thing you'll need to ensure is that his behaviour doesn't slide again in the future as you've said you've been here before and thought it was dealt with

Keep talking to him about empathy and acceptable behaviour and work with him on those things as he seems to need a lot of encouragement and motivation to be consistent in acting and thinking with consideration for others.

Both you and the school have done the right thing. What's worrying is that he's done it before. Once is happenstance,twice is a pattern of behaviour. When did it start & did anything trigger it. Or has he always had this side to his personality, is what I'd be concerned about moving forward. A lack of empathy so young & confidently spinning it to you as "a crazy kid binned his blazer" is concerning. Class clowns have issues IME teaching: Attention seeking, insecurity, ego, boredom , peer group issues etc can be a factor.

As others have said I think you have handled it really well. I agree that once he understands the situation and had done his punishment you should give him the opportunity to move on and do better and I don't say that lightly as I was bullied at school for 5 years.

I do think if you have access to it then some therapy might help him with empathy especially in light of his start in life but it would probably have to be private with the waiting list for mental health support at the moment, but might be worth checking with a GP to find out what's available.

Our school sent a letter home to ask parents to support sanctions on children and to get their kids out of it. I think they need to know in trouble at school in a lot more trouble at home. Hopefully he as has learnt. Bloody technology has made it easier to bully though hasn't it?

By hitting back gypsy's ds reclaimed his power. For other kids, acting unbothered works.

I could never have hit back. Those bullying me included boys who had already proven they were considerably stronger than me (plus they had weapons, I wasn't going to try and punch someone known for carrying a knife and who had already had multiple run ins in with the police, he just didn't care about anything and was self destructive...) and while I wasn't unfit I was not made for fighting at all.

I did ignore it, that didn't do me any good either, just caused it to escalate as they tried to provoke a response. My secondary school years were a living hell. And the teachers made it worse.

@GrolliffetheDragon

By hitting back gypsy's ds reclaimed his power. For other kids, acting unbothered works.

I could never have hit back. Those bullying me included boys who had already proven they were considerably stronger than me (plus they had weapons, I wasn't going to try and punch someone known for carrying a knife and who had already had multiple run ins in with the police, he just didn't care about anything and was self destructive...) and while I wasn't unfit I was not made for fighting at all.

I did ignore it, that didn't do me any good either, just caused it to escalate as they tried to provoke a response. My secondary school years were a living hell. And the teachers made it worse.

That sounds awful and bullying with weapons is different and absolutely requires adult involvement.

However, can I clarify that ignoring is not the same as acting unbothered, which is according to research the most likely successful method of reducing the number of 'bullying lines' you are fed.

If someone is walking behind you saying "fat slag, fat slag" , ignoring that is a definite reaction. Not quite as rewarding to a bully as crying or running away or turning around and making a scene, but it's not a "natural reaction" and therefore it tells the bully that they are getting to you.

A "not bothered" reaction is a response that could be natural and shows you don't care. Something like eye rolling, saying "yeah, and?" "Takes one to know one", that sort of thing. My bullies stopped when I played along and agreed I was fat. I (apparently) wasn't upset so it wasn't fun.

This is so hard to do, but it is a useful thing to know in the early days. Research shows that in the early days bullies throw out comments to a whole bunch of people, and then zero in on those who it affects the most. It's brutal.

A "not bothered" reaction is a response that could be natural and shows you don't care. Something like eye rolling, saying "yeah, and?" "Takes one to know one", that sort of thing. My bullies stopped when I played along and agreed I was fat. I (apparently) wasn't upset so it wasn't fun.

Yes, I should have been more specific as well - I did do that sort of thing to start with. Didn't help, just got me labelled as weird for not being upset.

They were out to get me, no matter what I did. I seriously pissed off the kid with the knife by standing up to them when they bullied someone else so it was personal.