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Original poster

DS bullying a child at school

547 replies

orangesalad · 07/11/2020 01:45

Posting for traffic and name changed as potentially outing.

Found out today that my ds13 has been nasty to a child at school today... throwing food over the child's head, making a laughing stock out of the child's dandruff (which was caused by the food my ds dropped on him) the child was also pooped on by a bird and due to that and my son throwing food over them the child threw their blazer in the bin at school. My ds13 seems to be having a good laugh about it with his friends over WhatsApp which is how I've found out and what bothers me also is my DS was telling both myself and my DH about how this 'crazy' kid had thrown their blazer in the bin at school today. We asked why and he just said he didn't know and the conversation moved on.

I'm going to speak to DS in the morning and see what he says but I've already seen what happened via his phone. I will also call the school first thing Monday but I just feel so disappointed and sorry for the child this happened to. Having been bullied throughout my school years I understand what impact that can have on a child and so I've spoken to my kids many times and encouraged them to be kind. Wwyd

OP posts:
blubberball · 07/11/2020 08:55

Also, once the punishments are done, and he knows this behaviour is not going to be tolerated, I would focus energy on kindness and helping others. Maybe volunteering at a food bank, engaging with workshops through children's bullying charities, and youth mental health charities. My youngest ds just started equine therapy. He is younger and loves animals, but I believe that being kind to animals is a great start to teaching empathy. It gave my ds confidence to lead and ride a big horse, and taught him kindness and patience feeding it and grooming it. This was just after one session! Sadly lockdown has meant that we can't do this at the moment. Your ds needs correction, guidance and direction at the moment, and you will be doing him and the children around him a massive favour by instilling these values now.

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 08:57

Could you ask the school to let the boy’s parents know how utterly disgusted and angry you are about what has happened?
There is so much more to this as they will be feeling attacked and humiliated as well.
If I was in their shoes I know I would be grateful for kind words and reassurance from you.

SpeccyLime · 07/11/2020 08:57

I agree with chores until the blazed is paid for, and I would make him apologise to this child as well.

And you need to talk - express your great disappointment and anger. Make sure he knows that there is no excuse for his behaviour, and that one day when he is an adult he will not want to look back on his childhood and live with the knowledge that he made someone else’s unhappy. Children have to learn compassion - you have to guide him to the point of understanding it.

gypsywater · 07/11/2020 08:57

The fact he is bullying other teens like this speaks volumes about your parenting tbh. You have clearly been way too lax that he even dares to behave like this. Where are the boundaries?

MammaCookie · 07/11/2020 08:58

I would be incandescent with rage.

He would be paying for a new blazer, publicly apologising to his victim and his parents, his phone would be gone for good and if it continued or I found out anything further I would be marching him to the head teachers office myself. Absolutely disgusting behaviour and you need to show him that you have a hard line with this and you will not tolerate your son being a bully. Kids kill themselves over this shit.

seashellseashell123 · 07/11/2020 08:58

Sorry but he sounds utterly vile. I hope this gets reported to the police it sounds like it might be the only thing that gets through to him seeing as he doesn't appear to give a shit about anything else. I would be utterly devastated if a child of mine ever behaved like this I can't believe you've just let him sleep.

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 08:59

Not personally of course. Don’t turn up at their door!

Elsiebear90 · 07/11/2020 08:59

You don’t sound angry or disgusting enough at his behaviour, this wasn’t just a bit of name calling (which is bad enough) he tipped food all over another child, then made up a story about them being crazy to you to cover his tracks while he laughed about it to his friends. I would be extremely concerned if my child was behaving like this. You said he’s done it in the past as well. I would imagine this is just the tip of the iceberg as tipping food over someone is quite an extreme form of bullying.

I see you’re trying to somewhat excuse his behaviour by saying he does it to fit in, I don’t think that’s the case at all, I think he sounds like the ring leader and is enjoying humiliating and asserting dominance over the other kids and you have to take a long hard look at what has led him to behave like this.

If he truly lacks empathy and you’ve done everything you can to try and tackle it then he needs professional help before he really hurts someone or they end up committing suicide because of his actions. Is there anything going at home that could explain his behaviour? Are things okay between you and your husband? It’s very unusual for a child from a happy home with loving parents to be acting this way.

I know he’s your son, but he’s ruining other children’s lives and sounds like a throughly nasty piece of work, so you need to really look into the root cause of why he’s like this rather than just punishing him imo.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 09:00

I wouldn’t get him to do chores to earn the money to pay back the blazer. Because then the op is just paying for it. And he should be doing chores anyway.

I’d make him pay for it out of his birthday and Christmas money.

PatchworkElmer · 07/11/2020 09:01

I think you’re doing well by taking this seriously- so many parents don’t. You must be mortified- I’d be so embarrassed if DS did something like this.

I agree with countless others- talk this morning and make it clear that you’re absolutely disgusted. I’d set him a task if researching the long term effects of bullying whilst grounded over the weekend- and giving you a report tomorrow night. Then straight to the school on Monday to talk to them about best way to proceed- with screen shots. I’d certainly be buying a new blazer, and I’d expect DS himself to have a long hard think about how to make amends with the child he’s bullied- might be more powerful than telling him what to do, and could be done in conjunction with the school/ their bullying policy. No technology for the foreseeable.

I was bullied to the point of anorexia and self harm at secondary school. But conversely, I also lashed out and bullied others. Still feel very ashamed of that I did then, and wish I’d been ‘caught’ and helped to rationalise what was going on, and make amends.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 07/11/2020 09:01

OP, phone confiscated, chores to pay for blazer (& perhaps regularly thereafter, to teach responsibility) and a written apology sound about right. I think I would also request a meeting at school with the AL and the other pupil’s parents and child. They need to take comfort in the fact that he’s being dealt with properly.

WokesFromHome · 07/11/2020 09:02

I am another parents who says to their DC that I won't let them bully anyone and I won't let anyone bully them either. I have never had any feedback that mine have bullied anyone.

My eldest was bullied for a few weeks and my youngest has been picked on a few times. As a parent I just wont sit by and let that happen. On every occasion I have gone nuclear at the school and they have done something about it, only because I kicked up a massive, threatening fuss.

My point is, that it is better for you to stop it and punish him before the other parent goes in and makes a massive fuss.

ArnoJambonsBike · 07/11/2020 09:02

Don't tell him you know.

You and DH bully him for a day. Treat him exactly the way he has treated that poor child. Tip food over the little cunt if you have to. Let him know what it feels like then talk to him.

And the only time he gets a phone back is his 18th birthday when he can get his own contract. I wouldn't be paying for him to gloat about his disgusting behaviour.

Original poster
orangesalad · 07/11/2020 09:03

Really interesting points about how my son buying a blazer for the child will inadvertently give him another stick to beat this child with. Maybe I'll throw his blazer in the bin and he can earn money back for his own one so he can see just how expensive they are and how it feels to not have a blazer in school.

OP posts:
LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 09:03

The fact he is bullying other teens like this speaks volumes about your parenting tbh. You have clearly been way too lax that he even dares to behave like this. Where are the boundaries?

Not necessarily. Some teenagers behave outrageously with friends especially when they are in a pack. All sense leaves them.

randomer · 07/11/2020 09:03

OP, how did you discover this was going on?

sst1234 · 07/11/2020 09:03

I know I already said it, but just read it back. What an utterly vile human being - and at 13. Nasty, Nasty, Nasty. Imagine what he’ll be like as an adult. OP, sorry to say but you need to toughen up on your parenting. He already thinks that there are no consequences or he wouldn’t behave like this. Think about applying every punishment suggested here.

Strawberryplum · 07/11/2020 09:04

Playing the fool? He sounds like a nasty little bugger!!!

LolalovesLondon · 07/11/2020 09:04

Maybe I'll throw his blazer in the bin and he can earn money back for his own one so he can see just how expensive they are and how it feels to not have a blazer in school.

Do it!

Kcar · 07/11/2020 09:05

Why didn’t you waken him up when you found out?

Is he awake now? Did you waken him this mkenjng early?

gypsywater · 07/11/2020 09:05

Nah, the OP's uncertainty about boundaries and consequences says it all @lola

PhilCornwall1 · 07/11/2020 09:05

@orangesalad

Really interesting points about how my son buying a blazer for the child will inadvertently give him another stick to beat this child with. Maybe I'll throw his blazer in the bin and he can earn money back for his own one so he can see just how expensive they are and how it feels to not have a blazer in school.
I'd be doing an awful lot more than that. Mimicking his behaviour is pointless to be honest.
flaviaritt · 07/11/2020 09:06

Maybe I'll throw his blazer in the bin and he can earn money back for his own one so he can see just how expensive they are and how it feels to not have a blazer in school.

Nope, he’ll feel like an absolute rebel.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 09:06

*morning

Kcar · 07/11/2020 09:06

How can you be sitting this morning still not having done anything? Still thinking about it at this stage?

You seem rather ineffectual.

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